Thought Catalog

On Farting Loudly When You Think No One Else Can Hear It (But They Can)

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So I’m sitting there on the subway, just chilling, listening to my iPod and minding my own business. The train is full, there are people sitting in intimate proximity on my right and left, and a guy standing above me, holding the pole above his head with one hand and a newspaper in the other, swaying back and forth. I’m listening to “American Boy” by Estelle featuring Kanye West and I’m tapping my toes, although I know I should be listening to something more #relevant like Bon Iver or Best Coast in case the man of my dreams turns up and wants to compare play lists or something—this is the L train, after all.

The music blasts in my ears; it’s loud and I can barely hear the clatter of the train as it races through dark tunnels. My lips mouth the lyrics, “before he speak his suit bespoke. And you thought he was cute before, look at this pea coat tell me he’s broke!” I am immersed in my own soundless bubble; the world around me as ceased to exist as a place where anything but the funky beat of “American Boy” can be heard. I feel the momentary urge to fart, and so rapt in my own microcosm of Yeezy rap and finger drumming, instead of controlling the flow of air, allowing it to slip out slowly, silently, unnoticed, the way I normally would in public, I let it go in one foul raspberry.

And then I realize—if a fart comes out of my ass and I’m listening to my iPod and can’t hear it, it doesn’t mean that the people squished against me in the peak hour commute can’t either. In other words, although I am deaf to it, my tree fell in a forest heavily populated by people with healthy aural capacity.

I’m not sure how I feel or what I should do. Should I own it? Should I turn to the person next to me and apologize for essentially farting on them? Should I explain that I was so caught up in my own little world and the fact that I couldn’t hear anything but the music, I forgot everyone else could still hear? Am I even sorry? Am I really even embarrassed? I didn’t even hear it, so to me, it didn’t even really happen. Never mind the look of disgust the guy reading the newspaper is casting down upon me, or the glowering mother clutching her tiny child to my left—I can just continue to pretend I’m oblivious to it. I farted, I didn’t hear it, it never happened.

Again, when it happens as I’m walking down the street listening to music, I’ll ignore it. And on the plane, when I’m watching Paul Blart: Mall Cop and the rushing engines are obscuring my notion of reality, I’ll act like like Shaggy because it wasn’t me. The only time I’ll be slightly moved to shame is when I’m at work watching Youtube videos with my headphones in my ears, and, forgetting where I am for a split second, I let one rip. So if you ever find yourself by my side in a public place and you notice that my iPod is blaring, I suggest you make a hasty exit. I have a terrible habit of farting loudly when I forget that even though the beating tunes playing into my head impair my hearing, everyone else can still hear with perfect clarity. TC mark

image – Natalie Nikitovic

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    • guest

      this is brilliant

    • http://twitter.com/rysimmons Ryan Simmons

      Lord! Eat some fiber.

    • Anonymous

      you didnt even have to put a byline on this. pretty easy to guess by the title that it was another classy kat george creation.

      • suze

        *klassy

        • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

          *~klassy~*

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_6IFPDSFKEQJE2ZPP3ASE35MRL4 Laura

      I’ve never heard something more perfect, hilarious, or relatable in my life:

      “I’m listening to ‘American Boy’ by Estelle featuring Kanye West and I’m tapping my toes, although I know I should be listening to something more #relevent like Bon Iver or Best Coast in case the man of my dreams turns up and wants to compare play lists or something”

    • Asdf

      Let’s invert the logic slightly: I would like to know if, having farted while reading the article, Kat George could actually hear it.

      • Katgeorge

        I’m the fart whisperer. Like Sookie but with farts.

        • Asdf

          I must be old, because I may have chosen a Star Wars reference. 

          “I felt a great disturbance in the gastrointestinal system.”

    • fulldamage

      I think this article was purely an effort to add to the internet’s supply of hilarious fart-related tags. Of this, I approve.

    • FangsFoo

      Crop dusting on an unsuspecting public is one of the few things that bring me pleasure on my 6:30am commute.

    • Elle

      Thanks to a super high-fiber diet, I have mastered the ability to make any kind of fart silent. Too bad they’re fucking smelly though.

      I love you, weight loss and physical fitness, but god do I hate the constant smelliness emerging from my ass. 

      • Kkkk

        doesn’t everyone enjoy the smell of their own farts

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jordan-Fields/100000625951408 Jordan Fields

      remind me not to sit next to you

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=657952727 Crystal Chalice

      Wasn’t this scenario already floating around on Facebook for like, a week now? Nice rip-off.

      • Asdf

        Really? You’re getting defensive over a Facebook meme? I am SO composing a status update of outra– ooh, look, my friend just posted new baby pics. Look at how ugly that fucking kid is. Jesus Christ. Why did she marry that dbag?

        Oh, I wonder the etymology of the word deten– oh, no he din’nt just like my passive aggressive status. Shit. I have, like, 10 tabs of Facebook open why the hell would I need this many Facebooks?

        Oh, look, this one contains a status update I had started. Wonder why I stopped it? Oh, what the fuck? Why is it talking about someone ripping off some stupid thing I’ve never heard of? SHIT!!!! My friends count just decremented by one — WHO the fuck just defriended me?

        Damn it, I should really keep an hourly log of the contents of my friends list for situations such as this. Oh I bet I know who it was. Some girl was super pissed about my calling her out about something stupid. Oh well. Ain’t no thang. I got my mother fucking Aqua Pets to attend to. No time for bitches and ho’s.

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=657952727 Crystal Chalice

          wow.

    • http://www.wilfordlauren.tumblr.com Lauren Wilford

      One time, in a theatre class, we were doing these breathing exercises, and “relaaaaxing from our heads to our toes, each body part individually…” and I let one go. This was worse because everyone was silent and zoning and expectant. I guess I was zoning too, in my own way. 

    • Ramnik Sandhu

      Walk-by fart. Perfect crime.
      Especially on the new TTC subway train (Toronto), walk from one end to the other without ever stepping out. Win.

    • nte

      I hope you don’t seriously think Bon Iver and Best Coast are cool.

    • Jane Goodall

      I’m just waiting for some idiot to say this is a metaphor for your writing.

      • danielle

        well now you’re the idiot

    • Tom Blanchard

      ahhh. I have to take a dump right now sooo BAD! But this freakin office just opened up on the same floor and apparently all they hire are really good looking guys who like to hang out in the bathroom. My poops are loud and smelly. I’m too embarassed to go in there and do my thing. Getting the shakes now, sweating, and goosebumps. :( whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

    • Tom Blanchard

      ahhh. I have to take a dump right now sooo BAD! But this freakin office just opened up on the same floor and apparently all they hire are really good looking guys who like to hang out in the bathroom. My poops are loud and smelly. I’m too embarassed to go in there and do my thing. Getting the shakes now, sweating, and goosebumps. :( whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

      • nte

        Relax.

    • Sarvepalliradhakrishnanathan

      “the glowering mother clutching her tiny child to my left”…..hahahahaha. Why is she clutching her child. Its a fart, not a fucking iguana that you’ve let loose. 

    • Maxine

      I think reading this article should be added to your one on things you need when you’re sad! Laughing so much.. In the kind of way where I’ll remember it in a few weeks time and start supressing chuckles in the middle of an exam or something.

    • Fecalman

      U r a whore

    • http://getphyt.org/2012/06/05/silent-but-deadly/ Silent but Deadly | getPHYT

      […] On Farting Loudly When You Think No One Else Can Hear It (But They Can) […]

    • Vforvendetta

      Lololol I’ve so definitely done this on a plane before.

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