I find it difficult to cry when terrible things happen to me, but often cry over petty occurrences, so I feel well-equipped to tell you about weird crying habits. If you cry like a weirdo (the way I do), you probably don’t cry when really awful things happen, but instead become blank and empty and go into damage control overdrive, organizing absolutely everything and being there for everyone else. You become a robot when you’re really hurting, and while you face calamity like a soldier, you never really grieve properly — which is probably why the waterworks flow so freely in more innocuous moments.
You might be a stoic when disaster strikes your reality, but un-reality can have you blubbering like a whale. Movies, TV shows, books, even commercials — when something sad happens to a fantasy character, you’re a mess of tears and snot. I don’t think I have to draw the last episode of 6 Feet Under to your attention as an example (when Ruth dies I was howling as though my own mother had passed). And it doesn’t matter whether or not the medium was intended to make you cry or not — I cried on and off throughout Harriet The Spy, and don’t even get me started on the sob fest that was Bridesmaids — make believe gets you more emotionally wound than real life. I remember once finding my mother crying hysterically to a midday movie, and when I asked her what was up she sobbed, “I don’t know, I just turned it on. But I think that woman is dying of cancer.” Case. In. Point.
It’s not just fantasy that gives your tear ducts a workout — crying weirdos cry when they read/ hear/ watch the news too. I can’t read about young mothers dying, rape in the Congo, cancer, war, children who beat the odds, turtles who got a new lease on life… well, you get the picture. Crying weirdos can’t interact with the news without getting teary over it, which I guess isn’t entirely weird, given that tragedy is occurring everywhere, everyday. If you’re crying over financial reports and census updates, however, then you’re an even bigger weirdo than me.
If you’re a crying weirdo, then you definitely cry when someone else is crying. I began this from a very early age, crying whenever my mum would. Got a friend in need? A relative going through a rough time? Once they start pouring out their heart and their eyeballs moisten, prepare to get salty. You can’t help it — it’s like your gag reflex when you see or hear someone vomiting — you are going to cry when someone else is crying.
You can’t cry when you’re genuinely depressed, but man, can you cry when you’re happy. Job promotion? Cry! Having a great time with friends? Cry! So in love? Cry! OMG this chicken sandwich is like, sah gewd? CRY, CRY CRY! You’re the ambassador of goodwill crying. It’s endearing that you’re so passionate and so moved by the lovlier moments in life, but it’s also going to look really, really weird when the security guard in Walgreen’s wishes you a merry Christmas and you burst into tears. Crying when you’re happy can also be really creepy, especially if you’re flashing a teeth baring smile and wide eyes through your tears.
Even if you’re the most rational woman on earth, your period will make you cry for no reason, or for all the reasons, depending on how extreme your cramps are. Guys, I’m sorry, it sucks but it’s like pregnancy and disease — the period crying weirdo needs your love and support once a month. Don’t be a dick about it, there’s literally a clamp around her uterus squeezing it like a lemon, her tits are tender, her lower back wont let her get a good night’s sleep and the way you’re breathing is really pissing her off. And guy, don’t act like you don’t get menstrual from time to time (I swear to God when I lived with my ex-boyfriend we synchronized). The same goes for sick people, male of female.
The worst of the crying weirdos is the drunk crying weirdo. Listen: everyone knows not to drink when they’re having strong feelings about something. It’s also the first thing someone who is feeling strong feelings about something will do. The drunk crying weirdo is sort of pathetic and hilarious, and strangely endearing, especially when they have makeup smeared across their face, their eyes are bloated to the point where they can barely open them and they’re moaning things like “but whhhyyyyyyyy doesn’t he likeeeeee meeeeeeee,” about a guy they met three days ago. The best part is the fact that the next day, they don’t care about a single thing they cried about the night before. And by “they” I mean “me.”
And even though the crying werido can’t cry over the big stuff, they sure as hell can cry over the small stuff. From someone who’s cried over her fair share of petty filler I can’t safely say that when you cry over spilt milk it’s normally because you’re ignoring a bigger issue. I’ve cried because I once ordered Chinese food and they forgot my steamed rice — AND YEAH I KNOW HOW LAME THAT IS. If you’re a crying weirdo when you’re in a ‘mood,’ just about anything will set you off at any time. Diffuse the weird bomb by identifying when you’re fragile and locking yourself in your room with ice cream and bitchy reality TV shows until it passes.
NOW PUT THEM ALL TOGETHER. Try crying when you’re drunk, watching Harriet The Spy, with your period and an ear ache, right after you dropped and broke a glass; you’re probably also ecstatically happy about something, and double bonus weird-points if you’re in the company of someone else who is crying.