How To Be An Australian Living In New York

There are so many Australians living in New York City that New York is more like a colony of Australia than a city in America. They say that every New Yorker has a drug dealer, a therapist and an Australian friend. You can’t go anywhere in New York without meeting an Australian, to the point where you have to wonder if we’re up to something shifty, like a very passive invasion.

If you’re an Australian in New York, greet non-Australians with “g’day”, even though you’ve never actually said it before in your life. Love the way non-Australians either look very confused or completely gleeful when they hear your purposeful Australian slang. Likewise, be more than willing to throw on your thickest Australian accent when probed at parties and say things like, “a dingo stole my baby!” and, “this here crocodile is a real big guy!” Feel pleased with yourself that everyone thinks this is hilarious, even though you’re debasing your culture by relying on untrue and cringeworthy stereotypes for shits and giggles.

Know every other Australian in New York. Form communities with a hive mind and start behaving like meerkats, all looking out for one another with everyone working together to strengthen the pack. Help each other network so that you all have fortuitously good apartments, jobs and friends. All use the same drug dealer. If you meet another Australian you don’t know yet, make it your business to know them. Add them on Facebook to find you already have 49 mutual friends. Give them your drug dealer’s phone number.

When you run into random Australians (for instance, the guy who serves you at the coffee shop), both speak to each other very slowly, and exchange knowing glances. Be very unsure whether you should ask them where they are from. Generally decide not to say anything but exchange a few more conspiratorial looks. If you do talk about Australia, automatically assume they are from Melbourne or Sydney. Be genuinely surprised when you meet people from Perth or Queensland. Be incredulous if you meet someone from South Australia or Tasmania. Call bullshit if you meet someone from Canberra.

Live in Williamsburg, Bushwick or Chinatown. Bitch about the coffee for the first month you are here and develop a superiority complex about Australian coffee (east coast coffee, of course). Hang out at Ruby’s, Saturdays and Five Leaves. Think brunch sounds smug but do it anyway. Drink way too much, all the time. Be the life of the party, whether it’s at brunch or 4am at the Kenmare. Fulfill more untrue cultural stereotypes of Australians, and if you can, plank (ironically).

Pine for nature. Ache for the beach. Go to the beach. Complain that there aren’t enough waves. If you’re a girl, fail to identify with stereotypical New York girls. Talk about camping in Australia like it’s as natural as breathing, and scoff at girls who have never pitched a tent. Become tired by talking about boys and dating all the time. Grow to hate dating. If you’re a boy be genuinely confused about having to pay for girls all the time. Completely misunderstand and shun dating. TC mark

image – PJ Robertson

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  • spellbound

    You forgot the “Australian’s who thought they were here first and wrote an article about it”.

  • Paul

    You forgot: If you are a guy, use your accent to get laid all the time. American girls will bang anyone with a “cute” accent.

    • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

      I’m going to put myself out there and say I can’t stand men with Australian accents. Sounds like they have a mouth full of marbles. SO GRATING.

      • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

        Right?  I so agree.  I can’t even watch porn with Australian people in it.  

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=508371039 Rayan Khayat

    this is hilarious, even though I don’t have any experience with Australians

  • neworleansalltheway

    I feel that every second article on here should be titled “How to brag about living in New York.”  I’d be more impressed by someone packing up everything to do a stint in Budpest or Jakarta.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      Imagining Myself As An Australian Living in Queens

    • FromTheFuture

      Based on the wealthy urban 25-30 year olds who “rediscover the meaning of life” in South East Asia I don’t think it’s what you imagine.

  • SceneNotHeard

    What a stupid article. Stupid.

  • steph

    omg we get it. you are greek, australian and live in new york city. nobody gives a fuck. 

    • JJ

      I wish I could like this a thousand times.

    • Erica

      After reading “Meet Your Perfect Match” this morning and crying and being touched, it is just so annoying and frustrating that essays like this keep appearing on thought catalog. I can handle someone being completely self-obsessed, self-indulgent and vapid as Kat George’s writings usually are but it really bothers me that she thinks it is worth being published amongst other articles that actually make people think and reflect. 

      sorry im not sorry 

      • http://karyninny.com/ karyn

        not every thought is a life changer. this site is called thought catalog, not terribly important touching moving crying thought catalog. can’t all of the pieces exist together in peace and harmony? 

      • Erica

        yeah i see what you’re saying  but i just think it should be quality over quantity. it really denigrates the integrity of the site to constantly be having to sift through these worthless fluff, contrived, “how to’s” in order to get to anything worth thinking about for more than the 30 seconds it takes you to skim it. 

  • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

    “Become tired by talking about boys and dating all the time. ”
    You should really quit your gig writing for TC.  

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    Replace “Australian” with “Asian” and it’s pretty funny. 

  • http://somuchtocome.blogspot.com/ Aja

    I found my American accent became really strong in London.  I fought hard to not allow myself to pick up the British-ism because in the US, we usually make fun of our fellow Americans when they do that.  

  • Kennneth

    It’s good to know that if I ever move to New York there will be some people whose company I can stand. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

    I’d still think you were a terrible writer if you were from New Zealand, and I love people from New Zealand.

  • Jon

    I’ve lived in Brooklyn my entire life and I’ve only met one or two Australians here.

  • MC

    All of this is applicable to Australians in London, as well…apart from the dating stuff. I think Australians and English people have a pretty similar attitude to “dating”.

    • MC

      More similar than the English and Americans, and Australians and Americans, anyway

  • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

    I always change the voice settings on my GPS Navigation to “Australian Man”…I love you Aussies!

  • http://summerslowrunner.wordpress.com/ Summer

    My greatest ‘love affair that wasn’t’ was with an Australian. I have a big wet spot, er, SOFT spot for Aussies.

  • http://summerslowrunner.wordpress.com/ Summer

    My greatest ‘love affair that wasn’t’ was with an Australian. I have a big wet spot, er, SOFT spot for Aussies.

  • guest

    “Become tired by talking about boys and dating all the time.”
    irony.

  • Pfft

    I didn’t move to new york to hang out with other australians. Plus, most of them are like you. Fecking clueless.

  • so american right now

    I should submit a self-centered article about my life called “How to be an American Living in Sydney”. Step one: do not meet another American the entire time. Step two: meet 193043049340 Canadians and Poms. Step 3: Be shocked that this is the only country in the world that finds the American accent hot…

  • katykangaroo

    “Call bullshit if you meet someone from Canberra.” hahahahaha honestly though!

  • shab

    This article is embarrassing.

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