How To Be An Australian Living In New York

There are so many Australians living in New York City that New York is more like a colony of Australia than a city in America. They say that every New Yorker has a drug dealer, a therapist and an Australian friend. You can’t go anywhere in New York without meeting an Australian, to the point where you have to wonder if we’re up to something shifty, like a very passive invasion.

If you’re an Australian in New York, greet non-Australians with “g’day”, even though you’ve never actually said it before in your life. Love the way non-Australians either look very confused or completely gleeful when they hear your purposeful Australian slang. Likewise, be more than willing to throw on your thickest Australian accent when probed at parties and say things like, “a dingo stole my baby!” and, “this here crocodile is a real big guy!” Feel pleased with yourself that everyone thinks this is hilarious, even though you’re debasing your culture by relying on untrue and cringeworthy stereotypes for shits and giggles.

Know every other Australian in New York. Form communities with a hive mind and start behaving like meerkats, all looking out for one another with everyone working together to strengthen the pack. Help each other network so that you all have fortuitously good apartments, jobs and friends. All use the same drug dealer. If you meet another Australian you don’t know yet, make it your business to know them. Add them on Facebook to find you already have 49 mutual friends. Give them your drug dealer’s phone number.

When you run into random Australians (for instance, the guy who serves you at the coffee shop), both speak to each other very slowly, and exchange knowing glances. Be very unsure whether you should ask them where they are from. Generally decide not to say anything but exchange a few more conspiratorial looks. If you do talk about Australia, automatically assume they are from Melbourne or Sydney. Be genuinely surprised when you meet people from Perth or Queensland. Be incredulous if you meet someone from South Australia or Tasmania. Call bullshit if you meet someone from Canberra.

Live in Williamsburg, Bushwick or Chinatown. Bitch about the coffee for the first month you are here and develop a superiority complex about Australian coffee (east coast coffee, of course). Hang out at Ruby’s, Saturdays and Five Leaves. Think brunch sounds smug but do it anyway. Drink way too much, all the time. Be the life of the party, whether it’s at brunch or 4am at the Kenmare. Fulfill more untrue cultural stereotypes of Australians, and if you can, plank (ironically).

Pine for nature. Ache for the beach. Go to the beach. Complain that there aren’t enough waves. If you’re a girl, fail to identify with stereotypical New York girls. Talk about camping in Australia like it’s as natural as breathing, and scoff at girls who have never pitched a tent. Become tired by talking about boys and dating all the time. Grow to hate dating. If you’re a boy be genuinely confused about having to pay for girls all the time. Completely misunderstand and shun dating. TC mark

image – PJ Robertson

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