Some Questions I Have About Baby Bey-Z

So Bey and The Hov have made all my wishes come true by announcing that they will indeed be bringing another little Greek into the world. In the wake of The Most Important Pregnancy Ever, I have a few questions pending The Chosen One’s emergence from the diamond encrusted womb of Queen B.

When Jay-Z’s sperm impregnated Beyonce’s egg, did it hurt?

Was it magic sperm?

Was it a magic egg?

Is this the Second Coming?

Was that last question stupid, of course this is the Second Coming?

Am I going to cry like a lunatic when the birthing is announced?

Will Bey birth as she performs a sassy dance routine?

Will Bey’s hospital robe be made of sparkles?

Who is going to be more excited during the birthing: Jay-Z or Kanye West?

Will they run next year’s VMAs early so they can live stream the birth?

When the baby comes will Kanye West act like one of those jealous pet dogs and eat the baby?

How many presents do you think Bey and Hov will have to buy Kanye West so he doesn’t feel over shadowed by the baby?

Will Baby Bey-Z call the Obamas “uncle Barack” and “Aunty Michelle”?

Is Beyonce going to sing some meaningful crap about being a mommy? (“All The Yummy Mommies”, “Who Run The World (Mommies)”, “Deja Baby Poop” or “Suga Mommy”?)

Will Baby Bey-Z be the most successful pop / r’n’b / hip hop artist of all time?

Will our fragile human ears even be able to handle Baby Bey-Z’s debut song, or will our heads explode when we hear it?

OMG IS THIS THE END OF THE WORLD?

Is Will Smith going to start pimping Willow even more just to make sure Baby Bey-Z doesn’t have a bigger hit song than she does?

Will Jay-Z and Kanye West sample Baby Bey-Z’s gurgling on their next collaborative album?

Do you think Bey and Hov will let me babysit? TC mark

image – MTV.com

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  • Nana

    jesus christ, racist and unfunny

    • Thumbone

      I don’t think it’s racist…at all.

      • stormyquin

        Racist in the sense that Beyonce and Jay Z apparently only interact with other black celebrities.

      • chilongugk

        all those interaction, have a meaning, as Kat points out. btw the kanye/watch the throne jokes were great. i picture Kanye as Scar from the lion king through all of it

      • Katgeorge

        Just to clarify on the examples I used so there is no confusion as to whether or not this was intended to be racist:

        1. Jay-Z and Kanye West are ‘best friends’ in both a social and professional sense. Please Google if you do not believe me.

        2. Beyonce has a strong friendship and working relationship with Michelle Obama. Again, please Google. I just thought it would be cool for Bey’s kid to be able to call the President and First Lady in familial terms, considering how close the two families are. If Bey and Jay-Z were this close with the Clintons or the Bush family, I would have used the Clintons or the Bush families as examples.

        3. I used the example of Willow Smith because she is the biggest child pop star I could think of who also has a notorious pop star as a parent.

        I hope that clears things up.

      • stormyquin

        On that note then it would have been awesome to include some Goop ridiculousness.  (Gwyneth Paltrow is Beyonce’s bff according to Gwynthe Paltrow).

      • Katgeorge

        Unfortunately I failed to mention every single one of Bey & Jay-Z’s celebrity friends and for that I am sorry. I decided to use the Obama’s as an example given that they are President and First Lady of the USA and to be able to call them Aunty and Uncle would, I think naturally, be a big deal for anyone.

      • stormyquin

        It’s not a matter of “you should have included EVERY celebrity friend”.  I just felt if there would have been some ethnic diversity in the names chosen, those commenters wouldn’t have been able to throw out the “racist” card (whether I agree with their claim or not).   I personally was not in love with this article but have greatly enjoyed many of your other ones, especially “Stop texting me and get in my bed”.  It’s all good :)

      • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

        It’s not like there’s affirmative action for TC posts.  It would have been construed as racist regardless…

      • stormyquin

        Jokes off the top of my head:  Will Gwyneth Paltrow be able to move her forehead enough to emote excitement for her GBF (Goopy besties forever)?  Will Aziz Asari, much like in the Otis video,  pop in the delivery room for no reason?  Will Grandmomma Knowles develop an infant lace front wig line?  Will Michelle Williams and Kelly Rowland teach it how to be equally irrelevant?   Will they name the sacred child something particularly unique or will she just steal one as easily as she does her writing credits?  Will Solange finally be allowed out of the basement so they can turn it a nursery?  idk… something along those lines

      • guest

        don’t try to write for thought catalog please

    • http://goldenday.tumblr.com Kia Etienne

      racist? how?

      • Nana

        gee, why the fuck would their baby call the president and his wife “uncle and auntie?” That’s how. 

      • EP

        …because maybe they’re friends? I mean, President Obama listens to Jay Z and Jay Z has visited the White House before. So..not really racist at all.

      • http://www.guidetomenhattan.com Rachel

        Jay was at the 50th bday partay!

      • http://goldenday.tumblr.com Kia Etienne

        because they’re rich as fuck, you dick. rich people are close with other rich people? WHY DOES EVERYONE SEE RACISM EVERYWHERE?! If anything, its classist because it assumes that all rich people chill together. -___-

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      in this society, everything and anything you do will be construed as something ‘racist’ ‘sexist’ ‘anti-intellectual’ ‘anti-religion’ etc, but one has to realize that a lot of things are unintentional 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

    Ridiculously unfunny and hastily put together and blah.

    • Bianca

      Do you actually enjoy anything on here? Negative comments all the time, like you’re waiting for TC to tell you the meaning of life.

      Funny Kat keep it up

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

        Will all you randoms stop telling me everything I write is negative without even bothering to look at the things I say? It’s not all negative. I only say negative things about the stuff I don’t like – woah, crazy right?

        Also, why does this even bother you? Do you ave an emotional investment in my opinion? Will you continue to complain when I say something positive by telling me I’m not staying “true to my roots”?

      • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

        bahahahaha. 

      • http://twitter.com/brooklyknight David Trahan

        AMEN

    • Plopman

      oh hey samie rose, i see you are back to doin what you love most…

      • Plopman

        oh sorry, i need to clarify that… Being a total utter bitch!

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

        What the fuck?

      • Plopman

        justin johnson.

  • Anonymous

    ugh.

  • http://www.reflectionandreview.com S Kat

    very funny. (Not sure how it’s racist. I would need that broken down for me.)

  • http://www.guidetomenhattan.com Rachel

    I really hope House of Derreon (i refuse to google the spelling of that shiz) does not take this as an opportunity to start a maternity/baby line.  Shudder.

    • mashka

      haha right? ew. Here’s a purple faux fur onesie, or how about some sequined baby leggings

  • http://twitter.com/KelseyEllefson Kelsey Ellefson

    “Sent from my iPhone.” 

    Who edits the editor of TC? 

  • Erinlspangler

    this really puts a damper on my master plan to get BHov to adopt me.

  • Adfdsfdfv

    nice job trying to imitate ryan’s writing. you failed. 

    • http://twitter.com/brooklyknight David Trahan

      STFU

    • SharksAteMyNeighbors

      if you knew about kat’s writing  she is like obsessed with Jay-z and Bey so she’s probably had this questions since the beginning of times. So STFU!!

    • Guestropod

      no one wants to imitate Ryan, gtfo

  • http://twitter.com/galette_rois Julian Galette

    Expected more jokes about the name of Baby Bey-Z’s first album:

    Watch The High Chair, The Drool Print, Weasonable Dwout, etc.

    • http://twitter.com/galette_rois Julian Galette

      American Pampers.

      That’s all I’ve got. 

  • sparklebb

    This was actually really funny! Especially the one about Kanye feeling overshadowed lmao.

  • A.

    “Who is going to be more excited during the birthing: Jay-Z or Kanye West?” this wait until the sex is announced (although it probably won’t be) so everyone can start speculating ridiculous names

    • http://twitter.com/galette_rois Julian Galette

      Rocafella Carter

  • http://twitter.com/ElleCSid Lindsay Christine

    GOLD: Will they name the sacred child something particularly unique or will she just steal one as easily as she does her writing credits?

  • Anonymous

    LOL I didn’t think anyone on the planet was as excited about this as me!!

  • developing country

    if beyz have the baby, is it destiny’s child?

    • Katgeorge

      You can’t see me but I am bowing to you.

      BEST.

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