What you are about to learn is in no capacity educational, nor will it help you pick up members of the opposite sex. The only thing to be taken away from the following is that I am hopeless with men. I guess, in one sense, you might find this exegesis helpful, insofar as you let it serve as a warning or A Guide To Things You Should Never Say To People You Want To Sleep With.
The Ultimate Nerd
The Line: I had just moved to New York City and I was in a Manhattan bar with a girlfriend. She knew a guy there and while they started talking I was introduced to his gorgeous friend in one of those awkward conversations where two wingmen are thrust together with nothing but charm and wit to guide them, or in my case, complete social retardation. My brain started scrambling for things to say, and between the useless debris of a law degree, years of travel, exciting writing opportunities and a recent move to a new city, this is what I said: “so I saw something really cool on the Internet today.”
The Outcome: The line was followed by a dull thud inside my skull, and then a long, piercing scream. Really Kat? Really, is this how you’re going to pick up this amazingly good-looking man in front of you? To my horror, he just looked at me and half asked, half said “Yeah?” I was in it now. There was no going back—and so I described to him the world map I’d found online with the countries all swapped around so the ratio of population to land mass was complimentary. Pakistan was in Australia. We ended up dating casually and semi-awkwardly for a while, and now we’re good friends, so it wasn’t the complete disaster it could have been.
One To Love: 10. Even though there wasn’t much love happening, I managed to use the worst pick up line ever used in the history of the world to make a really wonderful friend.
The Heavy Innuendo
The Line: Last Cinco De Mayo I was at a bar wearing some crazy pants I bought from a thrift store in Oklahoma—they’re cream with multi-colored threads coming out of the fabric down the leg all the way around the pant (and are very difficult to describe). A really, really cute guy at the bar tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Are those theme pants? The remind me of a piñata!” Obviously, my reply was, “yes they are. Would you like to beat me with your stick?”
The Outcome: He just laughed and turned his back to me.
One To Love: 0. Dirty pick up lines are cute when joked about among friends, but apparently not so with strangers.
The Facebook Play
The Line: I once met a guy at a friend’s party and I found him both attractive and interesting, so the next day I added him on Facebook and sent him this message: “Hey! It was nice to meet you the other day at Tom’s. I hope this doesn’t sound strange but it’s definitely going to (keep in mind I’m Australian and most of us are NOT OK)—can I buy you a drink sometime? It will probably only have to be one because I’m a super poor freelancer, but it would be nice to hang out. Let me know! X”
The Outcome: He wrote back: “Hey Kat! Super nice meeting you as well! While I am VERY flattered, I am sort of seeing someone right now.” To which I felt the need to reply: “That’s actually a huge relief. I just realized I only have $2 in my purse anyway.”
One To Love: 2. Although despite the lack of love, I did manage to damage control pretty well, if you ask me, so I get points.
The Land Down Under
The Line: When I was 21 and backpacking through Europe I met a dreamy-eyed American boy at my hostel bar one night. After a boozy evening in Rome that involved a bar crawl and several thousand tequila shots, we got closer and closer, until finally his hand was one my knee and I turned to him and said (I shit you not, I said this), “Have you ever kissed an Australian before?”
The Outcome: We drunkenly started making out before he invited me back to his house. Once there, I found myself on his bed momentarily, but before anything sexy could happen between us, I was in the bathroom hurling like a shot-put champion. I threw up all over his tiles and toilet bowl before passing out on the floor. The next morning he refused to come within 3 feet of me and directed me to the bus station. When I got to my hostel, the receptionist told me I smelled like a hobo.
One To Love: 0. But then, youthful hostelling and using your nationality to mack on guys was never going to make a successful recipe for love, now was it?.