1. Avril Lavigne – “Girlfriend”
Every time I hear this song all I can think is, “really? No seriously… Really?” Is this what we’re doing now Avril? Stealing each other’s boyfriends, because “she’s, like, so whatever”? What’s more is that Avril is portrayed as a big bully in the video, intimidating and humiliating this poor girl whose only crime is that she likes the boy Avril would prefer to have for herself. No, no, no, really? Is this actually happening? And damn you, Avril, for having such a peppy, infectious beat—I know I shouldn’t dance to this drivel but man, do I want to!
2. Destiny’s Child – “Cater 2 U”
A blight on the good name of Destiny’s Child and Beyonce, I’ve thrown myself into denial over the existence of this song. In fact, I’ve concocted a whole sub-plot in which the three girls are abducted by an evil overlord, driven to the desert where they are forced at gun point to don inappropriate desert attire, do some sexy dance moves and recite silly lyrics. Either that or they were addicted to crack at the time and had to make a quick dollar. I refuse to believe that Bey and the girls sang this song willingly.
3. Daphne & Celeste – “U.G.L.Y”
This is probably the most awesomely catchy, cute, dance inspiring song to promote bitchiness, body image insecurity and bullying between women ever. Congratulations Daphne & Celeste, you are terrible at being women, but brilliant at being pop stars.
4. Brandy & Monica – “The Boy Is Mine”
Come on girls! You’re besties! Chicks before dicks! I certainly hope this argument isn’t over Ray J, because that’s sort of… strange (Brandy I’m looking at you). Although, I can forgive the girls for this petty argument because a) the song is awesome and b) they make up at the end of the video and expose Mekhi Phifer for the creep he is.
5. The Pussycat Dolls – “Don’t Cha”
Come on PCD, if we’ve learned anything from Avril and Brandy & Monica it that’s it’s very unbecoming for women to be nasty to another women because they’re jealous of her man. Listen, I know PCD are all like “if it ain’t love it’s not enough to leave a happy home” etc. but the fact is they’re still ripping apart some poor girl who is completely absent both physically and as a personality from the context—isn’t this something we’ve been complaining about men doing to us for centuries, and now we’re doing it to each other? PCD get massive dance floor points for “Don’t Cha” but fall short given the misogynistic undertones of the content.