Relationship Advice People Have Given Me And What I Think It Really Means

People don’t always mean what they say when they give you relationship advice, and sometimes their words can be as transparent as a piece of paper wrapped around a leg of fried chicken (mmmmm, chicken…). Here is my take on some of the advice I’ve been given by the people around me.

Mum

What she says: “It’s time for you to settle down and have a family.”

What she means: “I want to be a grandma. This has nothing to do with you or what you’re ready for, and it certainly doesn’t matter that you’re still single, I’m ready to be a grandma and that’s all that counts. Don’t you care about me, your own mother?”

Dad

What he says: “You’re still young, wait until you find the perfect man before you settle down.”

What he means: “If you end up with anyone who treats you badly, I’m going to make sure he lives to regret it, OK? I mean, this guy better be the balls or I’m going to crack some skulls. You deserve the best and you MUST BE HAPPY, just sayin’.”

Brothers

What they say: “You can’t go out with anyone unless we like him or he has a PlayStation.”

What they mean: “We’re never going to think anyone is good enough for you, but we’re willing to compromise if he lets us use his PlayStation.”

Grandma

What she says: “Be careful because lots of men just want to put their thing in your little birdie.”

What she really means: “All men are sex maniacs.”

Female friend

What she says: “He’s just not that into you.”

What she means: “I can’t believe I took all that advice from Sex & The City and I’m still single. Bitch, you think you’ve got problems…”

Male friend

What he says: “Just chill out.”

What he means: “Bitches be crazy. No wonder you don’t have a boyfriend.”

Doctor

What he says: “Always use protection.”

What he means: “Always use protection, moron.”

Beyonce

What she says: “You don’t need a man!”

What she means: “You do need a man. Haha I got Jay-Z, what have you got?” TC mark

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  • BAM!!

    lmao “bitches be crazy” 

  • BAM!!

    lmao “bitches be crazy” 

  • Oceankrystal713

    XD this is great! I chuckled a few time.

  • Asssss

    FINALLY! Someone calls out beyonce for her bullshit. That being said, good for her. 

  • Josh Gondelman

    I like it! I would add…

    Ex You Still Talk To: You deserve the best!

    Translation: As long as they’re not better than I am.

    • Boner death

      you are hot josh

      • Plopman

        my girlfriend thinks so…

  • douchegirl

    beyonce also got a baby :’)

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=504951716 Tau Zaman

    Couples: “Don’t worry about finding someone; it’ll happen when you least expect it.” 

    What it means: “Sucks to be you.”

    • Fhsj

      Oh I totes mean that when I talk to single friends. “Sucks to be you, I found a rare gay guy that likes being monogamous, and he’s hot. Good hunting to you.”

      • http://twitter.com/gayworldproblem Gay World Problems

        Kinda hate you right now. But it’s totally true.

      • http://twitter.com/gayworldproblem Gay World Problems

        Kinda hate you right now. But it’s totally true.

  • Perdita

    Not needing a man is not the same as choosing an individual human to love; confusing need/want is rather teenage psychology and stereotypes both men and women.

  • Sophia

    lol loved this

  • mashka

    haha I can relate to all of this, esp:


    What he says: “Just chill out.”
    What he means: “Bitches be crazy. No wonder you don’t have a boyfriend.”

    Seriously- “just chill out” or “relax” or “jesus christ stop over-analyzing everything” are the main pieces of advice I get on a constant basis from my male friends. Thing is though, their advice is probably the best

  • A.

     …have you been talking to my dad?

  • Guestropod

    fuck this

  • Asdert

    grandma got it right

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