People I’d Like To Play Me In A Movie About My Life

I’m going to ask you to do something I’ve never outwardly asked of you before (although I’m sure just by virtue of my being here it’s an implied request)—please suspend your disbelief. That is to say: for a moment, let’s imagine that I’m not just Kat George, the schmuck writer, John McClane enthusiast and possible future romance novelist from Brooklyn by way of Australia. Let’s imagine that I’m Kat schumuck-McClane-throbbing-member-Greek-Australian-Brooklynite George but that for some inexplicable reason all this is incredibly interesting, more interesting than keeping up with the Kardashians even, and Quentin Tarantino, or Spielberg-Lucas or Disney decides that the story of my life would murder the box office and so they decide to make a movie. Just in case the cinema world ever really does flip its lid and want to make a movie of my life (I’m looking at you, Woody) I’ve preemptively complied a hypothetical list of people I’d like to play me across a range of genres…

Kat George: The Musical, starring Beyonce Knowles

Beyonce and I have more in common than you might think—we both know all the moves to the “Single Ladies” dance, we’re both blessed with an ample rump and we both love Jay-Z. This cinematic version of my life involves the hit Oscar nominated songs “Oh No! (The Internet Stopped Working)” and “I Left My Heart At The Lucky Dog”, as well as choreographed dance sequences on my stoop, the bodega across the street, at the Endless Summer taco truck and on the L train.

Kat George: The Romantic Comedy, starring Jennifer Aniston

In the rom-com my clumsiness, irreverence, hopelessness with men and affection for dogs are all accentuated, which makes me incredibly relatable and loveable to the audience. So much so that despite my lousy singledom, characters played by Ryan Gosling, Mark Ruffalo and Jason Segel all fall in love with me. I can’t decide whether I’d want down-on-love Greek girls Jenny A and I to have a credits montage, beach wedding scene happy ending (I chose you, Ryan) or if I want us to ride into the sunset on our own with an open-ended independent-woman type ending.

Kat George: The Tale Of New York City Neurosis, starring Laura San Giacomo

In an ideal world, Woody Allen would direct a movie of me hanging out in Brooklyn dive bars with Marisa Tomei playing me, drinking Bud after Bud and psychoanalyzing relationships. In reality, it would probably be that small annoying lady with the big eyebrows from Just Shoot Me—Laura San Giacomo. I would have a foreign lover, played by Javier Bardem, and as well as a significantly older suitor, someone like Bill Murray or Jeff Bridges, and finally someone wildly appropriate but dry like Luke Wilson. Everyone is, of course, completely neurotic, and I have many interesting monologues over sweeping, romantic imagery of the Williamsburg Bridge and the East River.

Kat George: The Witty Indie Drama, starring Natalie Portman

This is where I get to be really narcissistic and cast Natalie Portman as myself and Julianne Moore as my mother. Directed by Sofia Coppola with music by Phoenix (duh), the film focuses on my relationship with my mother, flashing between my competitive, lonely New York life and it’s empty, fleeting encounters, my mother in Melbourne, her domestic suburbia and descent into menopause and the years she spent as a single mother alone with me, before remarrying (with Kiernan Shipka as a younger me). The film will highlight how, even though we are oceans apart, I am becoming my mother, in the best, most heartwarming sort of way.

Kat George: The Action Epic, starring Bruce Willis

In the action epic, terrorists hack into the Thought Catalog website and plan to use it to brainwash an army of youth into doing their bidding. For some reason there are many explosions, and I am a man. I also win, even though in the two hour nail-biter I’ve smoked about 3 packets of cigarettes, have said nothing but “fuck”, am slightly drunk, and my MacBook is destroyed in one of the many dramatic explosions (which is what sent me into a blind rage in the first place, giving me the impetus to seek revenge against the terrorists, much the same way the slaying of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s family in Collateral Damage motivated him to murder everyone).

Kat George: The Sci-Fi Trilogy, starring Kevin Sorbo


I can’t decide whether it’s the future and my life is supplanted into space where I float around in my spaceship solving literary crimes or if it’s the present and I get sucked into the Internet where I find that Google is actually evil and I become embroiled in a cyber-war, which I obviously win, and wake up from as if it were all a dream. Either way, Kevin Sorbo plays me, he’s due for a comeback. Jeff Goldblum is the ageing, sexy sidekick with great research skills and heartfelt insights. Maybe we get gay.

Kat George: The Slasher Horror, starring Salma Hayek

Knowing my luck they’d cast someone who screams a lot like Rachel Weisz and I’d get hammered in the first scene, but if I had it my way, I’d be a buxom Salma Hayek, somehow locked into the Bushwick lofts during a raging warehouse party with some sort of faceless murderer after me. I’d find an axe, and while the bloodbath raged around me, I’d defeat the murder and make it out to the L train, MacBook safely under my arm, sweaty bosom heaving.

Kat George: The Low Budget Australian Film About Greeks In Melbourne, starring Nick Giannopolous

Australia has lots of movies and shows about being Greek in Australia, and even if the film itself isn’t about being Greek in Australia, there is always at least one Greek character. Basically, Australia is essentially Greece (especially Melbourne). Having Greek-Australian stand-up comedian and actor Nick Giannopolous play me in a story about being Greek in Australia makes perfect sense. TC mark

More From Thought Catalog

  • Customconcern

    :S

  • -ade

    self-indulgent 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

    Didn’t read it, just looked at pictures of your face on celebrity bodies. Probably wouldn’t have gained much more by reading it, anyways.

  • http://twitter.com/KelseyEllefson Kelsey Ellefson

    yep. 

  • HOPE

    Kat. Seriously.

    People don’t flood half your articles with negative comments because they hate you, or hold some ill-informed grudge against who they think you are as a person, or because they’re just jealous of you. People are frustrated because there is some seriously good writing on this website sometimes, and some of the other regular writers are really talented, and somehow out of all of them you were chosen to flood TC with what? Not with something so-bad-it’s-good, not with something wonderful, just pure mediocrity. Add to that your unbelievable self absorption and it’s rather painful to watch.

    You are not a compelling, funny, or witty writer–at least not in this context. Let someone else who deserves the platform you’re inexplicably getting shine and move on to doing something that really suits your talents. You’re a beautiful girl (in spite of your “self-deprecating” body image stuff–skinny girls saying how fat or bootylicious they are is never cute, but that’s another story) and I’m sure you have a lot to offer. But this, this constant, direction-less blogging about yourself and your mundane experiences, is not doing you any favors.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

      Zing! Said everything I would have said except they were nicer, more eloquent, and, in general – better.

    • Customconcern

      l train macbook bushwick sofia coppola

    • http://twitter.com/SWGTRRST Swag Terrorist

      You’ve been reading TC long enough to know what writers you like and what writers you don’t like. Don’t click the articles if you see the name of an author you’re not a fan of. Ultimately, it’s up to the editors of this site to decide who to give a platform to. Take your beef up with them. 

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

        Technically, she is. Kat is an editor.

      • http://twitter.com/galette_rois Julian Galette

        Nepotism for the win? Seriously though, I agree with what I said up there (stupid Disqus signing me in under the wrong twitter handle)

        It really just is what it is – Don’t read it if you don’t like it.

      • Customconcern

        self-editing is the best kind of editing y’allz (?)

    • Thegirlwhofellasleep

      Holy shit Hope. Hahahahahahahahaha.

    • Thegirlwhofellasleep

      Holy shit Hope. Hahahahahahahahaha.

    • http://hotfemmeinthecity.wordpress.com/ natasia

      I think she’s funny and I like that she’s not scared to look “not hot” by putting funny pics of her face on male stars in order to make people laugh. This comment is way to serious for something that was meant to make office drones smile on a Friday afternoon. 

      • guest

        i’m not the biggest kat fan either but if anything I just don’t want her gone because the comment sections are so good

    • Anonymous

      feels like this could have been said in a private message or that you could have communicated your criticism in some less personally abusive manner

    • Guest

      it isn’t self indulgent for kat to write about herself as long as the reader is able to relate to what she’s saying, which a lot of people do, which is why kat’s articles are consistently popular, which is why she’s an editor.

      you: some people (myself included) consider you to be untalented because you write about yourself, which we find to be artistically offensive, because confessional writing is mediocre, so you should just stop writing because your work has no value to us.

      basically, your writing blows, but hey, it’s okay, at least you’re pretty! in my attempt to “let you down easy but in a sincere way” i encourage you to go spend your time doing one or several of the numerous things i feel would be a more appropriate use of your time than this is. seriously, it’s for your own good, because me thinking your writing is bad means that your job is actually not doing anything for you, despite whatever misconceptions you might be operating under. because i think it sucks.

      um, ok?

  • Sweetthang

    I was entertained. But then again I’m not some old blog-critic trying to advise people how to write their thoughts.

  • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

    ” her domestic suburbia and descent into menopause and the years she spent as a single mother alone with me, before remarrying me”

    “before remarrying me”

    Evelyn Mulwray: She’s my daughter. 
    [Gittes slaps Evelyn] 
    Jake Gittes: I said I want the truth! 
    Evelyn Mulwray: She’s my sister… 
    [slap] 
    Evelyn Mulwray: She’s my daughter… 
    [slap] 
    Evelyn Mulwray: My sister, my daughter. 
    [More slaps] 
    Jake Gittes: I said I want the truth! 
    Evelyn Mulwray: She’s my sister AND my daughter! 

  • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

    ” her domestic suburbia and descent into menopause and the years she spent as a single mother alone with me, before remarrying me”

    “before remarrying me”

    Evelyn Mulwray: She’s my daughter. 
    [Gittes slaps Evelyn] 
    Jake Gittes: I said I want the truth! 
    Evelyn Mulwray: She’s my sister… 
    [slap] 
    Evelyn Mulwray: She’s my daughter… 
    [slap] 
    Evelyn Mulwray: My sister, my daughter. 
    [More slaps] 
    Jake Gittes: I said I want the truth! 
    Evelyn Mulwray: She’s my sister AND my daughter! 

  • http://thefirstchurchofmutterhals.blogspot.com/ mutterhals

    I want to say Natalie Portman, but most likely Brody Dalle. Also Salma Hayek has some boobs on her, Je-sus.

  • Fed

    why are you so hip and cool kat george?

  • http://twitter.com/galette_rois Julian Galette

    why did this disappear? 

  • rose georgia

    well i enjoyed this. i found it amusing and just want i wanted after my first day at work and maybe one two many glasses of wine. 

    kat, i think you look hot as bruce willis. you’re working that payphone.

  • Alex

    Excuse me, but Kat George, I personally happen to love your articles! I think you are funny and relatable and I thoroughly enjoy your sense of humour. In regards to these bastards commenting negatively, I encourage you to be as self indulgent as you like! After all, this is ‘Thought Catalog’ and as an appointed editor of this site, you can write whatever the fuck you want. You are by far my favourite and I think you make a sexy Bruce Willis!

  • Guest

    Do Sofia Coppola references annoy anyone else, or is that just me.. 

  • guest

    i love the if you don’t like kat you don’t have to read it comments

  • Anonymous

    ta.gg/53c

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