The Furry Thing That Lives On My Top Lip

I had it even before I hit puberty—that furry thing that lives on my top lip. It’s been there since time immemorial and I used to blame it on the Greek in me until I saw the Australian girls walking around with blonde furry things living on their top lips. In fact, I think most of us have them. It’s a blessed woman that doesn’t have to live with a femtash.

Mine is very fine; it feels vaguely like the downy back of a duckling if you brush your finger upwards against the grain. It’s lighter in the middle but towards the edges of my mouth it becomes a little darker, and a little thicker, and if you lean in close you can definitely see it. I’ve never had food caught in it, but as a teenager my poorly applied makeup would cake into it accentuating the little hairs, and in the heat of summer it becomes embellished with a sweaty sheen (which is better than a Charlie Sheen), that not only draws attention to the furry thing living on my top lip, but that prompts friends to say things like, ‘oh you got some water on your upper lip.’

As a teenager, the furry thing on my top lip went through many a trauma—from bleaching to waxing to plucking to finally being swabbed with ice and tea tree oil to just get the motherfucking redness to GO DOWN GOD DAMN IT, and it’s a wonder I still have any skin left on that most tender of bodily surfaces. Indeed, one time I had to stay home from school in morbid embarrassment from having burnt the skin on my upper lip a raw, near bleeding red in an attempt to extra-blonde my femtash by leaving the peroxide on it for five minutes longer than advised on the box.

Over the years, my mo has served as an amazing source of inspiration for other people’s jokes, which have centered on me being Greek (obviously the most original), a boy, a gorilla, a werewolf, or all of the above. I don’t think anyone actually stopped to consider a. how cool it would be if I were a werewolf and b. how fucked they would be if I were a werewolf.

Recently, I’ve started The Process Of Letting Go, which involves Not Worrying So Much About The Things I Can’t Change and Learning To Love My Femtash. Don’t get me wrong—I still freak out about how thick it’s going to be when I’m an old yiayia (my yiayia’s looks like a man’s, very long and coarse. It makes her look ancient and a bit witchy, especially when its partnered with the single, extra long hair growing out of her chin) but I’ve learned how to be calm when I’ve run out of face bleach and I’m too broke to buy more.

I’ve found that the less pruning and preening I have to do, the more time I have on my hands to do things that I actually enjoy—I have more time to spend with my friends, more time to read, more time to write, and more time to sit around stewing in my own filth and sweat without worrying about a few nearly transparent hairs that my own dysmorphic views deem inappropriately placed. Besides, Frieda Kahlo had one, and was pretty dammned proud of it too. TC mark

image – Nick The Indian

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  • http://twitter.com/Dravenport Ian Derbyshire

    female facial hair is my single biggest turn off :/ 

    • Guest

      she obviously doesn’t care about turning you on. some women don’t — try not to be shocked.

      • http://twitter.com/Dravenport Ian Derbyshire

        s’ok, I don’t think Kat and I were ever really in the cards, she’s a Diablo player, but I figured this was an open forum for my opinion so I’d throw it on in here.  Least I didn’t post as a Guest..

    • Katgeorge

      ALAS!

    • Guest

      oh.

    • Guest

      Everyone has it naturally. I mean, I’m not about to go get it waxed. No one notices it besides me, so it’s pointless to put myself through more pain than getting my fucking eyebrows threaded. That’s more than enough.

      • Anonymous

        if nobody can see it then it’s not really the same thing then is it? how could I be turned off if it’s not there?

    • guesst

      Better date men then.

      • Anonymous

        yea that makes plenty of sense.

  • Anonymous

    ugh. everyone has furry stuff on their upper lip. shut up.

  • meow

    Girrrrrrl I feel your pain. Persian girls are definitely in the same boat

  • Aelya

    The beautiful thing about waxing is that the hair eventually stops growing as much as it used to or in many cases, altogether. 

  • http://www.oneyearintexas.com Perfect Circles

    Can we please transition this unfortunate subject into a discussion regarding the article picture – why do young alternative women have such a propensity to wear fake mustaches? 

    • eh

      its “cute and quirky”

  • douchegirl

    Girl I feel you so much. I used to go get it waxed and it was the best, but $7 each time I went was making me extra broke. 

    I bought myself a little electric trimmer for $10 and I use it about once a week. Talk about smart money decisions. 

  • Asdf

    As a man, I wish I could grow a femtash. Or any sort of facial hair on my upper lip. Would you be willing to put your so-called femtash up for sale on Craigslist?

    • Katgeorge

      SOLD!

  • Emma

    So you’re saying that was sweat on your upper lip, as we waited for a table at Pies n Thighs last Friday? 

    • Katgeorge

      Yer I told you it was!

      • Anonymous

         OMFG pies and thighsssssssssss

      • Katgeorge

        thisiswhyimgoingtobeafatyiayia.com

  • London

    Ugh I hate this thing on my mouth, I haven’t been able to let go yet but all I’ve done is razor it off. What is face bleaching, I must know!

    Also, I don’t get why girls shave their forearms. I don’t know if I need to start or not. I work with girls that do and when I look at my arms, I feel insecure like a werewolf or a monkey or something and really, I’m Irish+1/8 Syrian ugh

    My left eyebrow also does this thing where some hairs go straight up instead of following the curve of a natural appearance. I’m a freak!

    • Guest

      You do not need to shave your forearms. Creepier than hairy forearms: smooth shaven forearms, stubbly forearms. Seriously, just don’t. 

  • Viv

    Thanks, Kat George! You make me feel like less of a hairy ogre. I pluck mine with eyebrow tweezers. Your last paragraph was inspiring on a conceptual level but.. gonna keep on pluckin’

  • Rachel Butters Scotch

    This brought me back to a repressed memory of being 14 and getting rid of my puberty induced femstache with Nair. Yikes. 

  • Fudgey The Bear

    Your title reminds me of one of Lily Tomlin’s line in Shadows and Fog. “That little furry animal between our legs.”

    • Fudgey The Bear

      a Greek werewolf gorilla boy. trying to picture that.

  • Anonymous

    Sally Hansen Facial Hair Removal Cream.  It’s a miracle worker and only costs about 6-7 dollars a tube, which will last you for a few months.  Get it at any drug store.

  • Anonymous

    Sally Hansen Facial Hair Removal Cream.  It’s a miracle worker and only costs about 6-7 dollars a tube, which will last you for a few months.  Get it at any drug store.

  • Naomi

    I concur! Proud of my ‘tash when it behaves itself.

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