If I Were A Boy

If I were a boy I’d always be tired. All the running about, play wrestling, skateboarding, ball kicking and throwing stuff looks extremely exhausting. But I’d do it anyway because I wouldn’t be able to sit still with all my puppydog energy. And besides, I’d instinctively know how much girls dig boys on skateboards.

If I were a boy I would wear the same thing every day and still somehow manage to look smoking hot. I’d wear one pair of jeans consistently until they got holes in the butt, and then I’d keep wearing them some more. I’d rotate between 3 t-shirts, a plaid shirt and a hoodie, depending on what smelled the least bad in the morning. I would never do washing and either douse myself in deodorant or throw my clothes over a chair to ‘air them out’. I’d sleep in the same sheets for months without changing them, and I’d ignore the collection of soiled socks building up by my bedside table.

If I were a boy I’d pee standing up.

If I were a boy I’d fuck a lot. I mean, as a girl I’m pretty horny all the time, even without all that testosterone. I imagine I’d just want to explode with man hormones flowing through my veins. I’d alternate between fucking and wanking, but I’d try to fuck more than I wank (and end up secretly wanking more; much, much more). I’d always use protection because even though I loved fucking, I’d know all about the repercussions that come with it and respect that I could be transmitting diseases that could be harmful to my partner. This would obviously be expensive with all the fucking, but well worth it, because I’d love fucking.

If I were a boy, I’d fuck a lot. Wait, did I already say that? I’d have a constant boner and go to bars to pick up pretty women. Some of them I’d never call again, and some would never call me again. I’d fuck and I’d fuck and I’d fuck until finally I’d fall in love. And when I’d fall in love, I’d fuck some more, but only with my beautiful woman. I’d think she was the most beautiful girl in the world, and even though I’d sometimes think about fucking other girls, I’d always conclude that my girlfriend’s fuck was the best.

If I were a boy, my girlfriend would drive me insane. No matter how committed, generous, kind and loyal I was towards her, she would just assume that I was untrustworthy because I used to fuck a lot. I would try to explain to her that that was then and this is now, and that love is different and that I only want to protect her, never to hurt her—but she wouldn’t listen. She would look at my text messages while I was in the shower and scream at me when there were messages from girls, even if they were just innocent texts from friends or co-workers. I would try to console her but it would be no use—if I were a boy, I would drive my girlfriend away without even trying.

If I were a boy I’d be one of the lads. We’d tousle each other and drink too much and leer at women in bars. We’d say things like “bros before hoes,” and mean it. If one of my mates stole a girl from me, we’d both say “to hell with her,” and continue in our mateship because girls are crazy ass bitches anyway. We’d go fishing and camping on boys weekends, and the women in our lives would worry about what we were doing when really we were just building fort villages in the wild or lighting our farts on fire or talking about tits.

If I were a boy I’d make mistakes I didn’t mean. I’d forget to text her. I’d turn up to family dinner late. I’d misplace my keys. Everyone would think it was because I was stupid or mean and they’d take it personally, but it wouldn’t be. I’d be genuinely sorry but I’d keep making the same thoughtless mistakes and no one would be convinced that I didn’t mean them. Sometimes I would make mistakes that I did mean, that really were horrible things to do, like cheating or lying, but it wouldn’t matter because no one would be able to differentiate, and they’d think I was a jerk either way.

If I were a boy I’d have trouble dealing with my emotions. Not because I didn’t have them, but because they felt awkward to me. Because people will have always told me to ‘be a man.’ I’d get confused when I wanted to cry and maybe I’d punch the wall instead. Sometimes I would cry, but never in front of the lads. If my girlfriend were still around, I’d cry in front of her. I would hope that it would make her understand me, but I’d still be a little bit embarrassed.

If I were a boy I’d be misunderstood. I would shoulder the burden of the mistakes of the men before me, and persist in my relationships even though everyone expected me to hurt them. I’d be tarred with the same dirty brush of those that came before me even though I wouldn’t deserve to be. I’d hope that if one day I had a son, he’d be a better man than me. TC mark


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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=707272007 Alex Thayer

    guys never mean bros before hoes when they say it

    • http://maxwellchance.wordpress.com Duke Holland of Gishmale

      I will say “bros before hoes,” and at the same be raising my beer bottle, upside down, to smash my “bro” over the head, giving myself a head-start on hitting on the hot girl that just arrived.

      • Guest

        That doesn’t make bros before hoes not true. Gotta fight over the woman and then be bros when she disappears.

      • Guest

        oh, how enlightening to live your life by some stupid mantra like “bros before hoes”…you people disgust me.

  • http://thefirstchurchofmutterhals.blogspot.com/ mutterhals

    If I was a boy I’d pee on everything and have sex with everyone.

    • harley quinn

      very true. and be lazy and never clean and think about sports women and food all day.

      • http://thefirstchurchofmutterhals.blogspot.com/ mutterhals

        Actually, that’s not far from my life, just replace sports and women with books and men.

  • Dina

    You’re a ninny. Stop writing stupid pieces like this.

    • http://twitter.com/jkymarsh J. Ky Marsh

      ^^ This. Seriously. Fucking stop it. It’s like you’re cranking out pieces solely for the sake of being the most-published author on Thought Catalog. And I’m using the term “author” incredibly loosely.

      • Anonymous

        THANK YOU. If I read about Australia or that fucking Dan guy again I’m going to lose my fucking mind.

      • Greg

        Or about the stuff she does naked. No one fucking cares

  • Anonymous

    Yes, if I were a boy I’d hit it and quit it.  All day long.  I’m kidding…

  • Comic Insult

    You said it better than Beyonce!

  • Ella

    This is fantastic. I love everything you write. So clear, poignant and funny.

    • SorryImNotSorry

      are you mad?

  • today

    the thing is, Ryan’s was great because it was a personal perspective on what HE would be like as a girl… it was also honest and real and thoughtful.  this is just what you seem to think all boy’s are like. and it’s very… 90’s.

  • today

    the thing is, Ryan’s was great because it was a personal perspective on what HE would be like as a girl… it was also honest and real and thoughtful.  this is just what you seem to think all boy’s are like. and it’s very… 90’s.

  • http://twitter.com/Cackles Mitch

    Apparently, if you were a boy, you’d be quite unlike any actual boys I know.

  • http://profiles.google.com/mopeyprincess mopey P

    Oh my goodness, I was all about your “I’m so gross” post but this just made me sad. You have some good insights on like, feelings, but why did you have to go and throw in that jealous gf paragraph, and no don’t say its “because girls are crazy ass bitches anyway.”
    I have some crazy jealous female friends and I have dated some crazy jealous guys. Total turnoff, and weirdly enough the jealous types seem like the most likely to be cheaters. Not necessarily gender-related, more like they’re insecure and immature people.

  • http://profiles.google.com/fafnir665 Drake P

    Ha fuck the haters. I liked it. 

  • http://profiles.google.com/fafnir665 Drake P

    But really, what’s stopping you from doing most of those things as a girl?

  • London

    If I were a boy I would pee in the sink.

  • Anonymous


  • Greg

    This is a gross misrepresentation of both boys and girls.

  • Adam

    It seems like you ripped off the lead from suan orlean’s “the american male at age ten” and repeated it over and over again…

  • Guest

    Hey Kat! if you WERE a boy this is the article you would have written…

    If I was a girl:
    By Karl George

    If I was a girl I would complain about stupid shit constantly. If I was a girl I would try to get boys to do everything for me. I would also bleed out of my vagina and that would give me an excuse to be wretched to everyone around me for an entire week. Teehee

    Please stop.

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