I’m not going to lie; I liked it that time you eye-fucked me at the bar. When you walked past me in the street. When you were slamming away on the drums up on stage and my girlfriends squealed and squeezed my arm because they all knew you were looking at me. You’re really cute and I’m attracted to you—but you already know that because I was eye-fucking you back.
What I didn’t like was that as we were mentally undressing each other across the bar a girl sidled up next you and you put your arm around her, kissing her on the mouth before turning back to wink at me. She was your girlfriend, wasn’t she?
What I didn’t like was that as we caught eyes on the street you stopped by a beautiful young woman who was opening the door to her building and tapped her on her ass. While her attention was on turning the key in the lock you nodded at me as I averted my eyes. She was your girlfriend, wasn’t she?
What I didn’t like was that when I walked up to the stage and asked you to have a beer with me, you told me your girlfriend was there, but qualified it by adding that if she wasn’t you definitely would. I really didn’t like that at all. And I told you so; I told you what you should have said was “thanks, that’s very flattering but I have a girlfriend and she’s great.” What would your girlfriend have thought if she were privy to what you said to me? Or if she knew that while you had her arm around her, you were making covert glances across the room to where I was standing?
Contrary to what you might believe, I don’t need your sex eyes to validate me. Moreover, the fact that you have a girlfriend but are looking at me does not excite me—it does the opposite. It makes me think that you’re a giant, filthy pig. It makes me wonder what you would do if I pushed up against you in a dark corner when your girlfriend was at home. And when I think about what you might do, it makes me shudder.
None of it is a reflection on me—it doesn’t mean I am hot or special, I’m not a moron, I see right through all this eye-fucking. What it means is that you’re a dirty pervert. Or maybe you’re just unable to control your innate sleaze. You’re eye-fucking all the girls, I can see that too. Are you hedging your bets, or are you just that into yourself that you think all these girls want to go home with you? Is the beautiful woman laughing there, innocently by your side, not enough for you?
What’s your problem, guy?
I know attached people often look at other people—hell, I’ve done it. But there’s a difference between a casual glance at an attractive person and violating them completely with the salaciousness of your glare while your partner is only steps away. And there’s a definite difference between treating that moment like the inconsequential fantasy it is and something that you may physically indulge in if your partner wasn’t there.
So please. If your girlfriend is an amazing entity who has been sucked into your piggish world by some freak accident then do her the service you owe her and either let her move on to bigger and better things, or start treating her with the respect she deserves. If your girlfriend is a total heinous bitch and you’re genuinely unhappy, just get out of there brother, because all this eye-fucking is viciously untoward and it’s making you look like a tool.
If you were my boyfriend I’d kick you in the nuts, and I wouldn’t be gentle about it. In fact, next time you look at me like that, I might just kick you in the nuts anyway.