An Englishman, An American And An Australian Walk Into A Bar…

…They take a seat next to you and order their drinks. The Englishman orders a craft beer, the Australian orders a bud and the American orders a beer and a shot. They’re all pretty cute, but you don’t know which one you like best. Your bedroom eyes are jumping from face to face as you contemplate your next move. It’s like sexual choose your own adventure. Once you’ve decided, your next move is:

You’ve chosen: Australian

Sidle up to him at the bar and order a drink. Make sure it’s an unpretentious beer; Aussie blokes love a cheap shout. Don’t expect him to buy you a drink yet, because he won’t and expecting it is going to put him off. Open with a joke—if he laughs you’re in. If he doesn’t, you’ve made the wrong choice and you need to go back to the start and take another path.

Great, now that you’ve got him laughing, ask him where he’s from. Listen as he talks about kangaroos or surfing or vegemite. After an hour you’ll find that in trying to keep up with him you’ve had 4 beers. By now he’s ready to buy a round, and once he’s good and drunk he’s going to be jovially forcing shots on you (I hope you had dinner before you walked into this bar).

Be a chiller. Laugh a lot but don’t flirt too outrageously. Do a burp. Just a little one, dainty enough so that it’s cute but reckless enough that he mentally deems you “real”. Tell him that you’re dying to get out of the city and go camping, even if you’re not. If he doesn’t crack a huge fat over this then he’s gay and you should cut your losses and return to the start.

Now it’s time to start ribbing him. Be casually racist about Australia—call him a convict if you want, but do it while smiling dazzlingly and poking him in the tummy. Don’t be offended if he’s casually racist about where you’re from. In Australia this is a sign of affection.

At the end of the night he will kiss you. You may go home together, you may not. If you exchange numbers, don’t be a game player. He’ll probably forget about you over a bbq or some street cricket if you purposefully leave it 3 days to respond to his text.

You’ve chosen: Englishman

Sidle up next to him at the bar and say something snarky (bonus points for complaining that the bartender didn’t leave enough head on your draught beer). Lead into conversation with the book you’re reading/something political/an interesting thing you learned on the Internet today/something about Carl Sagan. Be very dry and eloquent. If you’re vulgar you’ve made the wrong choice, go back to the start.

Make cultural references that are relevant to England. If you’re shabby on your English culture just say something about Britpop, David Cameron or the Royals and listen to him rant. Tell him that you “get” London but it’s too grey. He will pretend to disagree at first but then you will agree and you can both bitch about London.

He will buy a round of drinks. Once the round is finished, he will bring it to attention that the next round is yours. Don’t be offended, it’s in his nature to be a tight ass and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you. He’s tolerating you, which is the Englishman’s way of saying “I like you.”

Accompany him out of the bar for a cigarette. Be un-phased when he hands you a packet of tobacco and some Rizlas. Roll your cigarette like a pro and he will be impressed. If you’re shit at rolling make a cute face at him and ask for help. Englishmen love showing their superiority by being patient teachers—if you succeed under his guidance, he will be chuffed and he’ll like you more.

At the end of the night he probably won’t kiss you. He’s super awkward as it is and besides, the English don’t like to display affection openly. Give him your number and a lingering kiss on the cheek with your hands gently on his hips. Sleep sound in the knowledge that he will call you tomorrow and you’ll be fucking like bunnies and smoking cigarettes in bed before the week is out.

You’ve chosen: American

Walk past him on your pretend way to the bathroom/looking for friends/outside. Catch his eye briefly, let him eye fuck you for half a second before flipping your hair, smiling coyly, and looking away. Repeat until he stops you and starts conversation. If you’ve done this at least 5 times and he hasn’t spoken to you, sidle up to him at the bar and order a cocktail. If he still doesn’t speak to you, you’ve failed—go back to the start.

Let him buy your drinks—you’re a broke ass bitch anyway so you’re going to have to let your pride go. Ask him where he grew up, how many siblings he has and what his parents do for a living. Be mysterious and don’t give away too much about yourself—you’re going to need to hold on to enough information to make it through the awkward date he’s eventually going to ask you on.

Get really drunk because he keeps buying you drinks. Whatever you do don’t bring up the health care or the educational systems. Lean into him a lot and put your hand on his thigh. If he tries to make out with you at the bar just go with it, but don’t be disappointed if the whole night just turns into one giant make-out session.

If he starts talking about his ex-girlfriend go back to the start. Likewise if he’s in finance. If he wants to take you to another bar for a nightcap let him. The conversation may get a bit meaningful—be prepared to discuss childhood bullying, rehab and college. Again, give him something, but play your cards close to your chest, American guys like having something to chase.

At the end of the night he will kiss you and it will feel like a movie, especially if you’re in some cinematic New York location, which could be as simple as a particularly pretty street. The kiss will be intense and he’ll wrap his arms around you. If he really likes you he will be a gentleman and get you home safely but he won’t come in. He will ask you on a date, get your number and wait the requisite 3 days before calling you to arrange the date that he’s already organized to impressive perfection. If he’s really horny he will come in and fuck you like the messy drunk he is—it’s 50/50 as to whether you’ll hear from him again, outside the context of a booty call (but everyone is a winner in both scenarios so don’t sweat it). TC mark

image – epredator

More From Thought Catalog

  • Steven Rawson

    Stereotypes.

    • ELLA Y

      I mean, obviously. Upon reading the title what were you expecting? Don’t read it then and fuck you, I liked it.

      • Guest

        Really? Starting a comment with “I mean”? Yes, of course you like this writer.

  • nomas

    please. stop.

  • guest

    the American is the only one that sucks

  • viv

    “Listen as he talks about kangaroos or surfing or vegemite.”
    is this for real? or is it 1998 and im flipping through seventeen at the dentist 

    • Kellyfieilds

      the subtlety of sarcasm is lost on some people, clearly

      • Viv

        this is one of the rare cases where me rereading a piece, thinking that my dumbass missed the fact it was sarcastic, actually makes me even more confused. how does this function as a piece of writing? is it supposed to poke fun at national stereotypes? the whole meet people at the bar scene? bueller?

    • http://goldenday.tumblr.com Kia Etienne

      Kat’s an Aussie, twat. le sarcasm~

      • Viv

        see below

  • Jaymie

    i love this!

  • filmfaerie

    I liked it, and considering I’m curious on what makes a Brit swoon, I’m all about it! Fun article, and it IS possible you’re at a dentist reading seventeen…idiocy congregates!

  • Balls

    you suck

  • Guest

    I always enjoy your writing because I aint no bitch. 

  • Byrnsy

    ” Don’t expect him to buy you a drink yet, because he won’t and expecting it is going to put him off. “”He will buy a round of drinks. Once the round is finished, he will bring it to attention that the next round is yours. Don’t be offended, it’s in his nature to be a tight ass and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you.””Let him buy your drinks—you’re a broke ass bitch anyway so you’re going to have to let your pride go.”

    Damned if we do, damned if we don’t. Try buying your own drinks and stop you bitchin’.

  • Ang

    Whateva whateva, I enjoyed it!

  • Guest

    this is the worst thing ive ever read

    • Gonzesse

      You obviously don’t read much, so that’s ok.

    • Gonzesse

      You obviously don’t read much, so that’s ok.

  • Rabbit

    so much truth in this article… it’s hilariously scary… 

  • Maisy

    ugh shut upppppppp

  • Jordan

    He’s tolerating you, which is the Englishman’s way of saying “I like you.”

    THIS.

  • Lily Dawn

    I feel like, drunk american men don’t really kiss like a movie, they kiss more like a giant wet penis.

    • http://twitter.com/Darr247 Darr Darr

      Silly Lily…  you had your eyes closed when you were kissing him, didn’t you.

  • Gilthwixt

    I always wondered why people on Thought Catalog bitch about the writing when they don’t have to read it. They seem to especially get angry when the article has stereotypes, tongue-in-cheek or otherwise. Then I remembered: this be a hipster site

    • why

      Why aren’t readers allowed to say what they think honestly?
      If someone hates this article they should be allowed to express that. Just because you enjoy it doesn’t mean everyone should stay quiet about disliking it. How would anyone know if an article is worth reading without responding to the content?

      A little constructive criticism from an unknown user is not going to bruise the authors ego.

  • Lou

    hence why our aussie boys are the most awesome :)

  • Sara

    what? is that what Australian’s are supposed to drink overseas? budweiser?

    • Pete

      Yeah true, fuck that!

      Water is ordered as “Glass of water”, not “A pretend beer, thanks”. Just quietly.

  • Guest

    ‘top o’ the mornin’ to ya’ is what irish stereotypes say, not englishmen.

  • http://www.twitter.com/mexifrida Frida

    I chose Englishman, and I’ll have my references ready, and remember to let myself seem inferior for a few minutes… Haha. Entertaining article.

  • Anonymous

    Ribald.

  • Anonymous

    Englishmen aren’t tight KG – you’re thinking of Scotsmen. Englishmen just have a sense of fairness hence: get your fucking round in, love.

  • margaret

    anyone who says or writes “I mean,” needs to go away

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