An Englishman, An American And An Australian Walk Into A Bar…
By Kat George
…They take a seat next to you and order their drinks. The Englishman orders a craft beer, the Australian orders a bud and the American orders a beer and a shot. They’re all pretty cute, but you don’t know which one you like best. Your bedroom eyes are jumping from face to face as you contemplate your next move. It’s like sexual choose your own adventure. Once you’ve decided, your next move is:
You’ve chosen: Australian
Sidle up to him at the bar and order a drink. Make sure it’s an unpretentious beer; Aussie blokes love a cheap shout. Don’t expect him to buy you a drink yet, because he won’t and expecting it is going to put him off. Open with a joke—if he laughs you’re in. If he doesn’t, you’ve made the wrong choice and you need to go back to the start and take another path.
Great, now that you’ve got him laughing, ask him where he’s from. Listen as he talks about kangaroos or surfing or vegemite. After an hour you’ll find that in trying to keep up with him you’ve had 4 beers. By now he’s ready to buy a round, and once he’s good and drunk he’s going to be jovially forcing shots on you (I hope you had dinner before you walked into this bar).
Be a chiller. Laugh a lot but don’t flirt too outrageously. Do a burp. Just a little one, dainty enough so that it’s cute but reckless enough that he mentally deems you “real”. Tell him that you’re dying to get out of the city and go camping, even if you’re not. If he doesn’t crack a huge fat over this then he’s gay and you should cut your losses and return to the start.
Now it’s time to start ribbing him. Be casually racist about Australia—call him a convict if you want, but do it while smiling dazzlingly and poking him in the tummy. Don’t be offended if he’s casually racist about where you’re from. In Australia this is a sign of affection.
At the end of the night he will kiss you. You may go home together, you may not. If you exchange numbers, don’t be a game player. He’ll probably forget about you over a bbq or some street cricket if you purposefully leave it 3 days to respond to his text.
You’ve chosen: Englishman
Sidle up next to him at the bar and say something snarky (bonus points for complaining that the bartender didn’t leave enough head on your draught beer). Lead into conversation with the book you’re reading/something political/an interesting thing you learned on the Internet today/something about Carl Sagan. Be very dry and eloquent. If you’re vulgar you’ve made the wrong choice, go back to the start.
Make cultural references that are relevant to England. If you’re shabby on your English culture just say something about Britpop, David Cameron or the Royals and listen to him rant. Tell him that you “get” London but it’s too grey. He will pretend to disagree at first but then you will agree and you can both bitch about London.
He will buy a round of drinks. Once the round is finished, he will bring it to attention that the next round is yours. Don’t be offended, it’s in his nature to be a tight ass and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you. He’s tolerating you, which is the Englishman’s way of saying “I like you.”
Accompany him out of the bar for a cigarette. Be un-phased when he hands you a packet of tobacco and some Rizlas. Roll your cigarette like a pro and he will be impressed. If you’re shit at rolling make a cute face at him and ask for help. Englishmen love showing their superiority by being patient teachers—if you succeed under his guidance, he will be chuffed and he’ll like you more.
At the end of the night he probably won’t kiss you. He’s super awkward as it is and besides, the English don’t like to display affection openly. Give him your number and a lingering kiss on the cheek with your hands gently on his hips. Sleep sound in the knowledge that he will call you tomorrow and you’ll be fucking like bunnies and smoking cigarettes in bed before the week is out.
You’ve chosen: American
Walk past him on your pretend way to the bathroom/looking for friends/outside. Catch his eye briefly, let him eye fuck you for half a second before flipping your hair, smiling coyly, and looking away. Repeat until he stops you and starts conversation. If you’ve done this at least 5 times and he hasn’t spoken to you, sidle up to him at the bar and order a cocktail. If he still doesn’t speak to you, you’ve failed—go back to the start.
Let him buy your drinks—you’re a broke ass bitch anyway so you’re going to have to let your pride go. Ask him where he grew up, how many siblings he has and what his parents do for a living. Be mysterious and don’t give away too much about yourself—you’re going to need to hold on to enough information to make it through the awkward date he’s eventually going to ask you on.
Get really drunk because he keeps buying you drinks. Whatever you do don’t bring up the health care or the educational systems. Lean into him a lot and put your hand on his thigh. If he tries to make out with you at the bar just go with it, but don’t be disappointed if the whole night just turns into one giant make-out session.
If he starts talking about his ex-girlfriend go back to the start. Likewise if he’s in finance. If he wants to take you to another bar for a nightcap let him. The conversation may get a bit meaningful—be prepared to discuss childhood bullying, rehab and college. Again, give him something, but play your cards close to your chest, American guys like having something to chase.
At the end of the night he will kiss you and it will feel like a movie, especially if you’re in some cinematic New York location, which could be as simple as a particularly pretty street. The kiss will be intense and he’ll wrap his arms around you. If he really likes you he will be a gentleman and get you home safely but he won’t come in. He will ask you on a date, get your number and wait the requisite 3 days before calling you to arrange the date that he’s already organized to impressive perfection. If he’s really horny he will come in and fuck you like the messy drunk he is—it’s 50/50 as to whether you’ll hear from him again, outside the context of a booty call (but everyone is a winner in both scenarios so don’t sweat it).