When I first moved to New York people warned me about the summer, “it’s so hot and awful, you won’t survive!”
Bitch, don’t you know I’m from Australia?
So come on New York, chin up. I understand how hot it is but saying so every thirty seconds isn’t going to make it any cooler. I want you all to stop moaning—it’s the season of sweat and sex, and there are a million things you can do in the glorious weather that don’t involve whining like a baby (and one in particular that does). Embrace the sunshine, and shamelessly indulge in some of my favorite summer activities.
Remember being a kid and the best thing about long hot summers was the license to wet and be wet? If you don’t have a pool, river or beach handy, improvise. Blow up an inflatable pool on the roof of your building. Organize a water fight with all your friends in the park, or even the street if you have a quiet neighborhood. There’s nothing quite like squealing like you’re 12 again, or the feeling of being so drenched that the skin on your fingers starts turning prune-like and you can feel your underpants squelching as you run away from an onslaught of flying water balloons (not a euphemism, please take literally).
Have a BBQ
Turn a few snags over some red-hot coals. Crack open an ice-cold beer or 6. Hang out with friends. Laugh. Sweat. Learn how to play cricket and have a lazy game in the street. Get a little red in the cheeks. Watch your very unfashionable wife beater tan lines take shape. Wear flip-flops. Be too hot together. Get drunk quickly and go to bed early. What a good day you had.
Take off your shoes
I know this is New York and walking shoeless in the street will probably give you AIDS or worse, but if you’re at the park or somewhere you wont get tapeworm, take your shoes off and let the smelliest part of your body breathe.
One of my favorite things to do as a girl in the summer was to lay out on the grass in my backyard with some girlfriends and have ice melting competitions. We’d pull up our t-shirts to expose our bellies and on the count of 3 we’d all drop a block of ice onto our belly button. Whoever’s melted the quickest could lay claim to being the hottest (and therefore suffering the most), but that person would also paradoxically be the winner. You would be surprised how fun this is, and how competitive people can get over something they have no control over.
Summer sex is like drunk sex, tired sex and porno sex all combined into one giant sweaty, smelly ball of orgasm. Let your lover drip all over your body. Drip all over your lover’s body. Go slow and do it for hours in the afternoon in the romantic half light that peers through your white cotton curtains. Maybe invest in some air-freshener beforehand and enjoy a cold shower together afterwards.
Roll the windows down
If you have a car roll the windows down. Pack the car with all your friends. Drive somewhere, anywhere—it’s summer, you don’t need a destination. Play Nelly’s ‘Ride Wit Me,’ Bruce Springsteen’s ‘Born To Run’ and other gratuitous open road classics (Don Henley, Bryan Adams; the material is virtually endless) really loudly and scream the lyrics at the top of your lungs.
Take a walk or ride
Walk or cycle through your neighborhood in a lazy summer outfit. If you’re a girl a simple sundress will suffice; if you’re a boy I suggest cut off shorts, v-neck and some sexy sunglasses. Let your hair go wild with the humidity. Smile at the people you pass on the street (especially the ones you’re attracted to). Let your cheeks flush and leave the glistening layer of sweat on your forehead and chest. Everyone is in heat—revel in the pheromone explosion because summer is the only season where sweaty is a turn on.