The Maiden Hair Conundrum (Not The Moss Silly, The Stuff Between Your Legs)

Maiden hair—yes, it’s a moss but it’s also pubes. And, fun fact, the moss was actually named after pubes (you learn something new every day). Now how would you feel if someone named you after pubes? I can’t imagine it would service your self-esteem but I digress—let’s talk about the curly black stuff (or the blonde stuff or the red stuff. I’ve never seen the colourful stuff myself but I’ve heard some people have it).

I have a lovely specimen of the stuff myself—like a carefully manicured lawn I like to keep it lush but short and clipped, neatly trimmed so that none spills over the edges. Sideburns are for the face and even then you’d have to convince me of their value.

I have only ever waxed all my pubes off once—and by all, I mean all. It didn’t hurt aside from the occasional tickle when the beautician would accidentally scratch me with one of her unrealistically long, exquisitely coloured talons. One of my pet peeves is women complaining about the ‘pain’ of waxing. Get a grip, babe—no one’s pulling teeth and odds are one day you’re going to be pushing a watermelon with arms and legs out of that little hole so chin up, ripping a few little hairs out is the least of your worries.

So I was convinced into this ludicrous situation by a friend who swore to me it was the best thing I’d ever do, and I went in tentatively, already laden with doubts. Add to that the compromising and utterly revealing positions the beautician coerced me into (I don’t even think my gynecologist has had the privilege of such spectacular views) and I was heavy with a sense of dark foreboding.

It wasn’t until the beautician flipped me finally onto my back and snapped the elastic of her plastic gloves, beaming, that the import of that foreboding became clear. I looked down at the now bare space between my legs and my heart skipped a beat. I looked like a freak.

“What do you think, honey,” the girl asked as she wet a cotton wool pad with a lotion that smelled overpoweringly of tea tree oil.

“It’s…” I was speechless. “Nice?” I fought back tears as she rubbed the lotion on my raw skin. I couldn’t stop thinking about how much my vagina now looked like a foetus. It was not pretty.

As I dressed, paid, and walked out to my car, I was in a daze—every motion felt blurrily surreal. There was an alien between my legs. I was Roswell. Reptilian and foreign, like the smooth, slimy head of a bald toad, the thing between my legs no longer felt like it was mine.

When I got home I stood in front of the mirror, naked, staring at the eunuch before me. God it looks like Marilyn Manson, I kept thinking, and the thought made me cry. I cried and cried and I called my stupid bitch of a friend who tricked me into thinking this would be a good idea.

“I look like a creep!” I sobbed into the receiver.

The voice on the other end laughed. “It’s OK,” she said, “you’re just emotional. Having all your pubes ripped out will do that to you.”

I hung up and turned back into the mirror, horrified at the re-emergence of my little ???????—my ‘little bird,’ the name my traditional Greek grandmothers used to refer to my little girl bits back when they looked like the unfeathered body of a hatchling. Gone were my woman parts, and in their place the 10-year-old girl landscape that I had romantic memories of from my pre-menstrual youth, but that now seemed so severe.

It was absurd. I felt sick. This pre-pubescent slot did not belong on my grown-up body. I immediately started to hate every man that wanted a pubeless woman. I branded them all as dirty pedophiles, and cried some more. I just wanted my maiden hair back.

Needless to say, since the trauma of having a bare vagina, I’ve become very attached to my pubes. I respect other women’s decisions to rip them all out—sexiness is subjective and one woman’s grotesque mound may be another woman’s slinky aphrodisiac. But personally, my pubic hair makes me feel like a woman, just the way my large hips and cellulite do. My pubes and I are a team, like Franklin & Bash, let us henceforth never be separated again. TC mark

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  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    Amen to that. My bush gives this post two thumbs up.

  • Jordan

    No bush!  No manicured lawn!  Pavement.  Silky smooth pavement.

    • litnit

      I don’t know what pavement you landed on during childhood bike riding accidents, but my scarred up knees do not agree that pavement is either silky or smooth. 

      • Jordan

        Of course it isn’t, but it’s flat and hairless.  Just play along sheesh.

  • Kate Proulx

    I knew this story was fake the second I read this: “I have only ever waxed all my pubes off once—and by all, I mean all. It
    didn’t hurt aside from the occasional tickle when the beautician would
    accidentally scratch me with one of her unrealistically long,
    exquisitely coloured talons.”

    O hale no.

    • Katgeorge

      The only thing fake about this is that woman’s nails.

  • Kobayashi

    If pubes felt like regular hair, I’d agree… All silky smooth and wonderful. But pubes feel like a coarse brillo pad, not a good feeling.

    Also having or not having hair between your legs shouldn’t define you as a woman.

  • Klara

    I was scared this was going to be the total opposite of what it was, but instead it was exactly what I wanted and needed to hear. I’ve never understood or thought the no hair thing was sexy, I don’t want to look like a child down there, or a porn star, I want to look like the woman I am.
    So thanks for writing this. Hair to the people! 

  • Catt

    Although I don’t agree with the content, I still enjoyed the writing. And isn’t that better than me simply agreeing with you and ignoring the quality of the piece?

    • Katgeorge

      Infinitely :)

  • http://twitter.com/stefinmotion Stefanie J

    Cool man. Does there exist a guide to all the different “types” of “styles” or whatev? I still haven’t found one that feels like ~me~. I don’t feel skilled enough to do anything but bare all by myself. OK HELP.

    • NK

      SAME!

  • emma

    I look forward to reading PFFT’s “witty” comment. 

  • ladybird

    I love this piece, and I truly wish I felt the same way. However, the feel of having a brazilian is glorious. So smooth, so clean, and coitus is inexplicably delicious.

    But I’m sorry, that is bullshit. It hurts like a mother, and the first time hurts the worst. Where exactly did you go that it was painless? Divulge or we won’t believe you.

    • Katgeorge

      Some place in a shopping complex in Melbourne.

      I dunno I’ve been waxing since I was 15. It hurt maybe the first 2 or 3 times but it’s relatively painless for me to the point where I have trouble believing people who say it hurts!

      • Kat George Fan

        I can promise you it is fucking awful for some of us. Like nail marks in your skin, biting your bottom lip until it bleeds, tears in your eyes kind of bad. You are so, so lucky if you don’t feel it!

  • http://twitter.com/ingenuegle Egle Makaraite

    I absolutely LOVE this article. I’ve always been just whatevs about my pubes but I wholly agree with you and I think this is well written and the best thing I’ve read from you.

    • Katgeorge

      Thanks! Glad to meet another pube aficionado. 

      • Anonymous

        lol

    • http://twitter.com/jkymarsh J. Ky Marsh

      Please, god, tell me this is a sarcastic comment.

  • HEH

    Kat, I love you. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/phillipmichael Phillipe Felut

    I haaaate the bald eagle/12 o’clock shadow

    Just trim your hedges

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1198922828 Marianna Elvira

    What are the odds my friend brought this up last night?
    You stood by me then, and I stand by you now.

  • okay

    bald eagle is sOoOoOoOo lamestream

  • Anonymous

    “God it looks like Marilyn Manson, I kept thinking, and the thought made me cry. I cried and cried and I called my stupid bitch of a friend who tricked me into thinking this would be a good idea.”

    Seriously? And you are gonna tell women to “Get a grip” over the PAIN of waxing?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    Oh my.

  • valtameri

    *Snapped. When you said “snaped,” I was trying to figure out how rubber gloves have anything to do with Severus Snape.

  • http://twitter.com/Dravenport Ian Derbyshire

    as a guy I have to say this is infinitely weirder than your last piece

  • xuene

    Call me immature, but I kind of feel like barfing now.

  • Diddly

    More like Franklin & Bush am i rite?

    • Katgeorge

      You just made my day!

  • guesst

    I love my bush!

  • Guest

    this is so much more interesting than your love and travel stories!  

  • Lou

    i love your brutal honesty, it went from the process of picking ingrowns to pube talk. so funny and unless you’re a girl, you wouldn’t understand any of this :)

    • Reallyyyydude

      Because dudes have never waxed their pubes. Dudes just can’t understand anything.

  • Anonymous

    ta.gg/4vh

  • DE

    This article was pretty condescending. What I choose to do with my pubes is my choice and I have a hard time believing you know anything about waxing because after my first and last wax, my area was red and in pain for a week.

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