The Filthiest Place On Earth, Otherwise Known As The Women’s Bathroom

Ok ladies—it’s time for us to talk. It’s been almost 10 years since high school finished and there are a few small issues we need to put to bed. We’re all grown ups now—hell, some of us (you, not me) even have children—so we can be open and honest and talk about this like the rational, mature humans we’ve become. All I want to know is, from one woman to another, which one of you filthy bitches felt the need to drop a turd in the middle of the floor in the girl’s bathroom?

It would happen about once a year. We’d be sitting around in class or in the yard and one girl would run out of the bathrooms, flushed, arms flailing wildly above her head screaming “oh my God there’s a massive shit on the bathroom floor!”

Easily impressed, we’d all crowd into the bathroom and look at the poop glaring up at us from the tiled floor. If it was in the open we’d crowd around it and scream and point. If it was in a cubicle we’d take turns looking at it through the door or stand on the toilets in the adjoining cubicles peering over the top of the cubicle wall, screaming and pointing.

And now, after all these years, I want to know—who the hell did those shits? Was it more than one person? Did you have a club? Were you in a cult? Or were you some kind of serial shit-in-the-middle-of-the-floor offender? More importantly, what the hell is wrong with you?

Listen, I love taking a good dump as much as you do, but I always get mine where it belongs—in the toilet bowl, wipe, flush, and Bob’s your uncle. What the hell possessed you to do it on the floor? And how did you never get caught, squatting there, panties around your ankles, clutching the hems of your school dress to your chest and pushing? Did you do it somewhere else, in private, pick it up, and put it there, right in the middle of the floor for everyone to see?

Did you stand around with the rest of us, screaming and pointing? Were you very pleased with yourself? Or were you in some kind of shame spiral, constantly traumatized by your secret guilt? Why was there never any shit on the floor in the boys’ toilets? Were the boys in high school just cleaner than us? Or were you a boy?

While we’re on the topic, ladies, which of you has ever stuck a bloodied sanitary napkin to the toilet cubicle wall? Which of you has ever smudged a line of shit or blood across a bathroom wall? No one? Well someone isn’t being forthcoming because if I had a penny for every time I saw someone’s period on the wall during high school I’d have at least a dollar.

And which one of you is responsible for pissing all over the seat? STILL! Imagine! In your mid 20s with a set of genitals designed so you CAN’T MISS and you STILL DO. For shame! TC mark

image – eszter

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  • KP

    Lord help you if you ever find yourself in a men's room.  You've never seen gross until you've been in a men's room in a bar at 1 am. The things you see cannot be unseen. 

    • Menotyou

      yah but that's by Drunken guys who don't care where it goes at that point ! She is talking about sober girls.

    • guest

      I've been in men's rooms in bars, and they pale in comparison to the grossest women's rooms I've seen (which are usually in places where not everyone is drunk, like on the 7th floor of hunter college west building)

  • http://twitter.com/kyleangeletti Kyle Angeletti

    I've heard women's bathrooms are far worse than men's.

    This seems to confirm it.

  • Happy Kitteh

    It's like festival toilets, why do people feel the need to destroy festival toilets when we're all going to be using them for three days? I opened one once and it was filled with a poop pyramid. It made me heave. It's the main reason I stopped going to festivals. I tried to man up and deal but it just gets too much.

    • valentine_kitchenson

      Poop Pyramid, oh my Lord, how immature am I to have just completely done a real, dramatic, cliche spit take?

    • Joshhernand3z

      I seriously pissed myself laughing at “poop pyramid”

  • Justin

    I worked at a Grocery Store for 6 years until I finished college. Cleaning bathrooms all day was sometimes part of it and I can vouch that the women's room was always…ALWAYS…filthier.

    And it's not like the Men's room was super clean either. There'd be piss on the floor and garbage everywhere. Which is normal. Public bathrooms are always trashed after a couple hours. ONCE, someone shit next to the toilet and not in it. Once in my memory.

    But in the women's room that was more common. Shit on the walls, soiled sanitary napkins just hanging out wherever. I don't get it. I really don't.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_2VXPKDT5ZYPBKSVYUKWCOZ4PU4 le gnome

      i worked in a retail store and had to clean with bathrooms sometimes – mens always had piss everywhere and trash, no big. the shit on the floor and smeared on the wall at times.. i am almost thinking that mom sends the little kids into the women's bathroom and that's who the culprit is? Dont get me wrong, there was plenty of menstrual crap left out but at the same time.. little girls are menstruating now too.. i dont know. I have a hard time believing adults do this as often as it happens I guess. But, I too, have seen it.

  • http://christophermluna.com Christopher Michael Luna

    The public Chinese coed toilets I've been in aren't this bad… and they were bad.

  • Ro

    Had to google search “Bob's your uncle,” now that I know what it means, I think I'll start using it.

    • douchegirl

      I did too and I'm definitely going to use it.

  • http://twitter.com/hereticaneue Heretica Neue

    I would have guessed that some guy got dared to (or lost a bet and was forced to) take a shit on the floor in the girls' bathroom…

  • MENOTYOU

    I couldn't stop laughing from the imagery of pointing and screaming hahahaha .

  • bret

    i was afraid to poop in the school toilets so it wasn't me.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    Whatever happened to couches or soft drink dispensers in women's bathrooms? Were they all just elementary school rumors?!?

    • guest

      the couch thing is true in very very fancy places

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

        We don't have couches FTW

    • ckb

      also true in some not-so-fancy places, but the quality of the couch goes down. one of the academic buildings at my college has a restroom couch that looks like it's from the 80s… which is also the last time anybody sat on it.

  • Snritchie

    kind of weird, and still not excusable… but I read an article on Cracked that said pooping sitting down is actually really bad for your rectum frequently resulting in 'roids and anal fissures. Our bodies are designed to poop squatting… Maybe that's why they kept pooping on the floor lol

    • Gnush

      I'm sure evolution will take care of that soon enough.

  • http://twitter.com/cjhallman Carly J Hallman

    If you want to make a lot of money, you should write a YA mystery about a club of tween girl detectives who solve such mysteries.

    • Katgeorge

      Are you offering to pay me?

      • http://twitter.com/cjhallman Carly J Hallman

        Only if you'd accept Chuck E. Cheese coins (why do I still have these??) in lieu of currency. :/ But I'd totally read your book because this happened at my school too and I want to know whodunnit and if they are the same people who do this in mall fitting rooms.

  • http://twitter.com/robinmalik Robin

    Somehow my perverse mind read the title as “The Filthiest Place On Earth, Otherwise Known As The Women’s Bedroom”. I came here expecting a *very* different article.

    • Tamara

      Me too.

  • Bee

    Sadly these things don't always stop in high school. My first semester away at college, we had 2 bathrooms per floor – one for each wing- in the dorms. There was a mysterious girl in the honors wing where I lived that would get poo all over the toilet seats and on the floor. Or if she made it into the toilet, she wouldn't flush and there would be mysterious liquid (pee or back splash, IDK) all over the toilet seat. They tried to assign stalls but I'm not sure why the RA's thought that would work. Us girls started doing patrols on the bathroom and in the halls to catch whoever was doing it. We finally caught her and the RA had a LONG talk about with her about personal hygiene. In high school, people are immature but you would think someone in college, especially in the honors program, would know better. Obviously not the case.

    • Ella

      I had the same problem this past year of college. Period blood all over as well. I left threatening signs, post-it note addenda to the threatening signs, and still it didn't stop….thank fucking God I'm not living there anymore.

      • es

        IT WAS THE QUIET ASIANS
        IT'S ALWAYS THE QUIET ASIANS

      • Choxchang

        AHAHHAHAHHAHHA

  • inflammatorywrit

    I work in (what I imagine to be) one of the trashiest nightclubs in North Carolina, so shit in the middle of a bathroom floor is generally one of the least offensive things I've seen. The waitresses and bartenders smoke in the bathrooms before the club opens (okay, and during our shifts sometimes, too) and whenever I go into the bathroom, bitches always complain to me that it smells like smoke in there. It takes all the effort in my body not to point to the blood (I don't know if it's from someone's vagina or not- neither would surprise me, honestly), weaves, and tampons on the floor and then slap them.

  • the shits

    if the girl was found 'in the act' i imagine it playing out like the tampon scene in 'carrie'

  • RAH

    Used to think girls were pure little angels.   Now, not so much.

  • http://twitter.com/r0semarym Rosemary McClure

    HOW DO YOU GET POO ON THE TOILET SEAT????????????????????????????????????

    • lol

      my dad manages to get poo on the toilet seat which is why he is no longer welcome to stay at my brother's house.

  • http://roamania.tumblr.com Jillypants

    i once walked into the women's bathroom at a mall and a child was taking a shit on the floor. another time i saw a kid smear his poo on the bathroom wall…. so i'm inclined to think, based on my experience, that since women bring their kids into the bathroom more frequently than men, that kids are to blame. at least some of the time. this does not explain high school poo or period blood….. and i also don't like children so i'm more likely to assume they're disgusting savages.

  • Guest

    “Or were you some kind of serial shit-in-the-middle-of-the-floor offender?”
    Brilliant line.

  • Poop

    I have never laughed so hard at TC article as I did with this one.

  • DeeQuinn

    Some spastic bitch in high school stole my friends' shoes while we were in drama and hid them in a sanitary bin with a used pad stuck to its sole. 

    Needless to say, she never wore them again.

  • eferf51
  • rachel

    Just the other day at university I saw a used pad just chillin on top of the toilet paper dispenser. It's like they decided not to be sanitary and put it in the bin but were too lazy to go for all out disgusting and stick it on the wall. Wtf?

  • stinkytrue

    funny stuff. i worked in an office once where there was a person writing obscene messages on the toilet walls with their poo!..female toilets. it happened about 10 times too, management would even send around emails to all the staff begging for the culprit stop. it was really strange looking around the office thinking who is doing this

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