Top 10 Incredibly Inappropriate Older Man Crushes

I’m not one of those women who is impassioned by older men—to the contrary, I have never actually been romantically involved with a man who was significantly older than me (significantly younger though… now that’s a story for another day). The mystical silver fox has always intrigued me, and not so much in a George Clooney, Tom Selleck sort of way (although, hello—come to mamma!). My older man crushes have always been somewhat… controversial. While my friends make emphatic ‘ewwwww’-ing noises and my mother cries and says things like “where did I go wrong?” and “don’t you EVER bring a man my age home (unless it’s Brad Pitt)”, I swoon over some impossibly inappropriate older man crushes…

1. Tommy Lee Jones

Talk about ripping the band-aid off. Tommy is the most controversial of all my older man crushes because as people keep pointing out, he is not good looking. Well, I say to hell with you. Tommy Lee Jones is the sexiest man alive. He’s all grit and loyalty, with this resilience and weathered way about him that makes me just want to drink beers and tend farm with him, or exchange wry irreverent banter while shooting at aliens or Harrison Ford.

2. Mr Simmons

Simmo was my politics teacher in my final years of high school and I was madly in love with him. He was average looking in a way that made him the best looking male teacher on campus but more than that—he understood my teenage angst. When I was getting bullied and would take to his office at lunch times with faux-questions about class just so I wouldn’t be in the schoolyard (I did this with almost all my teachers), he’d always be there for me to talk to about my actual problems. He was married, and there was never any indecency in our relationship, but I secretly always wished I was his wife (lucky bitch), because he was my hero.

3. Jeff Bridges

The Dude. That is all.

4. Bruce Willis

Bruce Willis is my wildest, most long-standing crush. I believe I was around 10 years old the first time I watched Die Hard, and something stirred inside my little girl’s heart—I knew Bruce was the one for me then, as I do now. I don’t have a Rapunzel complex but God I would love him to rescue me from a building full of terrorists, so long as he was covered in blood and grime and holding a massive machine gun when he finally pulled me in for that melodramatic embrace.

5. Elvis Presley

I sexually fantasise about a dead man. Do I need to clarify why this is inappropriate?

6. Jarvis Cocker

He’s far too thin and far to English. He does stupid things to make political statements about Michael Jackson (yes, MJ was a freak, we get it), he’s mates with Morrissey (don’t get me started) and really, I’m not sure how likeable he is. But when he’s up on stage, with that deep, croony voice, reeling off names until he gets to that final ‘Angela’ and bursts into song—oh my—in that moment, Jarvis, I must have you. I simply must.

7. Ted Danson

There’s a Ted Danson renaissance happening at the moment thanks to Bored To Death and I’ve jumped right on the bandwagon. He just has this cheekiness about him, and you sort of get the impression that if he gets a sex heart attack he’s just going to make some jokes about it and get right on recovering so he can sex some more.

8. Roger Sterling

No, I’m not talking about John Slattery, I’m talking specifically about the fictional man Roger Sterling. I mean, what a fucking gorgeous asshole. And speaking of sex heart attacks…

9. Alec Baldwin

I just want to rub my face all over his giant belly and grey chest hair and have him scream names at me like he did to his daughter #tmi.

10. David Tennant

I want to do it in the Tardis (but not with any old Dr. Who, I want David Tennant). You know, between takes, when everyone is standing around the catering tent—we could just slip away for a second and… I think this crush isn’t so inappropriate in itself, just in what it reveals about me i.e. I am not cool. Perhaps the female equivalent of a male-geek’s Princess Leia crush? TC mark

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  • Guest

    I agree with all these.  Except Bruce Willis.  And that coming from a straight man!

    • Katgeorge

      I think you just said something so much more profound than you could ever have imagined. I may be a straight man in a small woman’s body…

    • Katgeorge

      I think you just said something so much more profound than you could ever have imagined. I may be a straight man in a small woman’s body…

  • pinky

    how is richard gere not on this list???

    • Katgeorge

      Because Richard Gere is entirely appropriate

  • pinky

    how is richard gere not on this list???

  • http://twitter.com/crapface Hannah Foster.

    Jarvis Cocker is always appropriate!

    Sympathies on the Elvis crush, though.  It’s never brilliant having to explain dead man crushes. My #1 is Gregory Peck. 

    • Guest

      Gregory Peck, YES.

      • John

        Gregory Peck is the MOST appropriate older mam crush. Srsly.

      • John

        Er, man. Oh dear.

  • http://twitter.com/robinmalik Robin

    You are one freaky chicka (y)

  • http://fazed-girl.blogspot.com Samantha

    My straight guy friends have crushes on David Tennant. There is nothing inappropriate about this.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Megan-Cunningham/172500881 Megan Cunningham

    Do Viggo or Christopher Eccleston (the 9th Doctor) count as inappropriate, too, then?

    • http://twitter.com/crapface Hannah Foster.

      Eccleston is the Doctor of my heart!

  • rita

    not to be a bitch, i would have liked this more if there weren’t so many typos. 

    and hells yes to roger sterling and alec baldwin.

  • Kate

    I have a ridiculous crush on Hugh Laurie.  I’m sad he didn’t make the list. 

  • goldglass

    Roger Sterling (not John Slattery) leaps to mind when I hear “silver fox.” Ted Danson and Alec Baldwin, check and check. But I have to ask…..what’s the deal with you and Morissey?

  • Emke

    Jared Harris as Lane Pryce.  Be still, my nubile heart.

  • u nasty gurl

    “what a fucking gorgeous asshole.”

    • u gonna get it

      also: “I want to do it in the Tardis” … shoot if u wan it in the tardis, u gon get it in the tardis

    • CKB

      not gonna lie, I laughed at all the many things this phrase implied.

  • Anonymous

    ta.gg/4vh

  • Anonymous

    ta.gg/4vh

  • Please

    Request: Top 10 Incredibly Inappropriate Older Woman Crushes

  • SueBeDoo

    Jarvis – oh yeah!  and Jeff Bridges – I totally got why Maggie Gyllenhaal fell for him…

  • SueBeDoo

    oops, forgot to say in “True Grit” that is!

  • SueBeDoo

    duh, fail again – crazy heart…

  • what

    i want to have sex with jeff goldblum and that makes me uncomfortable

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=825630453 Lauren Doster Magruder

    I’d still consider Robin Williams, because I can imagine the voices he’d talk to me in. Also Bill Pullman….it might have something to do with the fact that I thought he was super hot in Casper and Independence Day, etc.  Jeff Goldblum had my little heart thumping in Jurassic Park when he put the water drops on the blonde lady’s hand.  And my husband wants Daniel Day Lewis to be his dad, but admits that he is a very pretty man.

    • Anonymous

      bill pullman is casper probably gave me my first wide-on

  • Anonymous

    ALEC BALDWIN. YES. I need Jack and Liz to give in to their sexual tension so I can live vicariously through her.

    • Anonymous

      …what sexual tension?

  • Kells

    Gross. Old people are gross.

  • Sara

    Woody Harrelson. I dont know what it is, maybe those baby blues but he could get it anytime and put it anywhere.

    • Katgeorge

      I like you

  • http://heard-instinct.com/ itsguccitime

    What.. Tennant is a babe! Nothing wrong with crushin’ hard on the Doctor/Barty Crouch Jr.

    • moo

       True. Don’t know what he’s doing on the list anyway, he’s only 40 that is a totally acceptable age *cough*

  • Spookybeck

    It’s perverse as all hades, but I TOTALLY agree with you on Alec Baldwin!!! It makes me reach for the scotch when I start questioning why. Other strangely hot old guys— Sam Elliott, and Mark Harmon. Seriously. Mark Harmon could have it all day long! After Jeffery Dean Morgan, who isn’t
    as old, but has already 16 hrs booked.

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