I’m not one of those women who is impassioned by older men—to the contrary, I have never actually been romantically involved with a man who was significantly older than me (significantly younger though… now that’s a story for another day). The mystical silver fox has always intrigued me, and not so much in a George Clooney, Tom Selleck sort of way (although, hello—come to mamma!). My older man crushes have always been somewhat… controversial. While my friends make emphatic ‘ewwwww’-ing noises and my mother cries and says things like “where did I go wrong?” and “don’t you EVER bring a man my age home (unless it’s Brad Pitt)”, I swoon over some impossibly inappropriate older man crushes…
1. Tommy Lee Jones
Talk about ripping the band-aid off. Tommy is the most controversial of all my older man crushes because as people keep pointing out, he is not good looking. Well, I say to hell with you. Tommy Lee Jones is the sexiest man alive. He’s all grit and loyalty, with this resilience and weathered way about him that makes me just want to drink beers and tend farm with him, or exchange wry irreverent banter while shooting at aliens or Harrison Ford.
2. Mr Simmons
Simmo was my politics teacher in my final years of high school and I was madly in love with him. He was average looking in a way that made him the best looking male teacher on campus but more than that—he understood my teenage angst. When I was getting bullied and would take to his office at lunch times with faux-questions about class just so I wouldn’t be in the schoolyard (I did this with almost all my teachers), he’d always be there for me to talk to about my actual problems. He was married, and there was never any indecency in our relationship, but I secretly always wished I was his wife (lucky bitch), because he was my hero.
3. Jeff Bridges
The Dude. That is all.
4. Bruce Willis
Bruce Willis is my wildest, most long-standing crush. I believe I was around 10 years old the first time I watched Die Hard, and something stirred inside my little girl’s heart—I knew Bruce was the one for me then, as I do now. I don’t have a Rapunzel complex but God I would love him to rescue me from a building full of terrorists, so long as he was covered in blood and grime and holding a massive machine gun when he finally pulled me in for that melodramatic embrace.
5. Elvis Presley
I sexually fantasise about a dead man. Do I need to clarify why this is inappropriate?
6. Jarvis Cocker
He’s far too thin and far to English. He does stupid things to make political statements about Michael Jackson (yes, MJ was a freak, we get it), he’s mates with Morrissey (don’t get me started) and really, I’m not sure how likeable he is. But when he’s up on stage, with that deep, croony voice, reeling off names until he gets to that final ‘Angela’ and bursts into song—oh my—in that moment, Jarvis, I must have you. I simply must.
7. Ted Danson
There’s a Ted Danson renaissance happening at the moment thanks to Bored To Death and I’ve jumped right on the bandwagon. He just has this cheekiness about him, and you sort of get the impression that if he gets a sex heart attack he’s just going to make some jokes about it and get right on recovering so he can sex some more.
8. Roger Sterling
No, I’m not talking about John Slattery, I’m talking specifically about the fictional man Roger Sterling. I mean, what a fucking gorgeous asshole. And speaking of sex heart attacks…
9. Alec Baldwin
I just want to rub my face all over his giant belly and grey chest hair and have him scream names at me like he did to his daughter #tmi.
10. David Tennant
I want to do it in the Tardis (but not with any old Dr. Who, I want David Tennant). You know, between takes, when everyone is standing around the catering tent—we could just slip away for a second and… I think this crush isn’t so inappropriate in itself, just in what it reveals about me i.e. I am not cool. Perhaps the female equivalent of a male-geek’s Princess Leia crush?