Protect Your Special Bits (In Defense of Sex & Safe Sex)

He kissed me by the taco truck and something stirred inside my underpants. The smell of sweat and tacos invaded my senses and I was rapt by the wetness of his mouth against mine. He pressed against me slightly and I felt his bits waking up too. When he asked if I wanted to get out of there I didn’t have to think twice. Not only was I in summer heat, it had been… a while, and I was feeling restless.

“Sure, but I’m not going to Park Slope,” I murmured, brushing my lips against his salty neck, “so you have to come to mine.”

I took his hand and pulled him through the crowd. We were by the exit when it struck me — I didn’t have any condoms at home. I saw the rest of the evening playing out in my head: we’d walk out the front, get in a cab, go to my room, there would be no condoms, we wouldn’t have sex and I’d have to give him a wristy instead. As inebriated as I was, I could see the stickiness of the impending situation.

A lightbulb flashed above my head. “Wait there, don’t move,” I said to him as I ducked back into the crowd.

Confused and drunk, I didn’t know what I was doing. Why wasn’t there a condom vending machine in the bathroom? Why wasn’t there a jar on the bar with complimentary condoms? They gave out free nuts — why not free protection?

I contemplated stopping at the shop on the way home but it felt… awkward. My roommates were taking the same cab home and I just didn’t feel like there would be a discreet moment to duck into a store. The inconvenience of going out of my way to a store at 2am prompted me to start asking people. I rushed back up to my friends “does anyone have a condom?”

They teased me a bit, but turned up little more than lint balls and chewing gum. Briefly contemplating making some sort of lint-gum sex contraption but resolving that would be horrible to get stuck in your pubes, I turned to the group of strangers next to me “please, does one of you have a condom?”

A girl laughed, “you go sister, and props to you for being safe!” But she still didn’t have what I was looking for.

I asked yet more people until one guy put his hand in his pocket, looking suspiciously over his shoulder and then back to me. “Yeah, I got one,” he drawled, slipping his hand back out of his pocket.

He outstretched his cupped hand to shake mine and I complied. The condom passed discreetly between us, from one hand to the other, like a bag of cocaine. Yes, safe sex was suddenly starting to feel very much like an illicit drug deal.

“Thanks,” I said, backing off, unsure as to why the whole process of obtaining a condom felt so shady.

“That’s OK,” he said, “but I should warn you, it’s a Magnum.”

So I went home and had drunk, safe sex. I felt great before, during and after. I felt no shame or remorse the following day, just a sense of relief and satisfaction (and maybe a little bit hung over). Mostly, though, I felt extremely grateful my man fit into a Magnum. TC mark

image – trec_lit

More From Thought Catalog

  • Ro

    Tag– “gave him a wristy anyway.” You're awesome.

    • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

      yeah, I am really enjoying these tags.

  • http://www.facebook.com/blanketboat Jessica Blankenship

    this is boring to the point of confusing as to why it's on TC.

    this should be relegated to a facebook status that says “the other night i couldnt find a condom but then i did.”

    actually, thats almost too mundane for a facebook status.

    • guest

      lol @ all these thought catalog connoisseurs constantly complaining about the quality of articles on the site.

      thought catalog hosts hundreds and hundreds of articles that are at the level of facebook status updates. i don't understand how this is surprising or worth complaining about anymore. ~90% of thought catalog is an elongated facebook status update, get over it

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    Taco truck?

  • Alicia

    And then I found five dollars.

    • skylar

      Where'd you get five bucks? I want five bucks

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000135790951 Matt Schultz

    why is a magnum so special.

    • http://twitter.com/kyleangeletti Kyle Angeletti

      They are bigger.

      • http://www.facebook.com/gregpphoto Greg Petliski

        Not really. Go open one and look.

  • Charles Reinhardt

    This must have happened at Union Pool.

  • deb

    Mad props for taking the initiative to procure one.

    • Katgeorge

      Thanks!

      The point remains that in places like bars where (some) people are looking to hook up, there's just no easy access to condoms and that's an unfortunate thing. There should be vending machines at least. Being safe is more important than being prudish about openness towards sex!

      xx

      • deb

        It seems like the straight community is ages behind on this. Nearly every gay bar in LA has complimentary condoms. Being a lesbian I don't have too much worry over protection., but have seen a few places with free dental dams.

      • Katgeorge

        I agree 100%–but what can we do to change this in the straight community?

      • http://www.facebook.com/allyson.sagin Allyson Sagin

        ^^^ THIS!!!   I am always so confused at why straight bars don't do this!!! I'm a lesbian and I use condoms for various things and can't remember the last time I paid for them.  That's not true, but those were glow-in-the-dark.  totally different ;)

  • Emma

    GKG. The ultimate wing man.

  • dip

    “I fucked a dude from brooklyn who has  HUGE PENIS”

    the internet thanks you for this worthless contribution

    • Katgeorge

      And thank YOU for missing the point :)

    • slutidarity

      This is mainly my experience with guys from Brooklyn, though.

  • Duke Holland of Gishmale

    You are fucking hilarious. I love your writing.

  • Ella

    I keep a box of trojans in my underwear drawer, adjacent to my bed.  And let me say, it has definitely come in handy.  Safe sex for everyone!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002063779137 Lindsay Wade

    Was it Daniel?!?!?!!?!?

  • Aelya

    The title of the article could use a little rewording. No one is actually against safe sex, so there really is no need to defend it. I can't think of a decent alternative right now, but I'm sure there are some

    Also, “your special bits”= gold. Kudos to not getting carried away by your special bits and always thinking straight when it comes to sex

    • Katgeorge

      I called it that because I feel like safe sex is so hard to come by… I mean… There should be condom vending machines in bars, god damn it! Not everyone is there to fuck but I sure as hell know a lot of people to get out on the prowl regularly, and not everyone always has the time or foresight for a trip to walgreens!

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=674905536 Virginia Althen

        And a lot of guys these days try to find their way around it, which is very sad.

  • http://www.facebook.com/gregpphoto Greg Petliski

    Thats because magnums are actually a marketing ploy.. its the exact same size as a regular condom. But hell yea, good for you scoring and good for you having the balls and ingenuity to find one!

    • gsew

      Actually width-wise they are a bit bigger. I just opened up a Magnum and Trojan bareskin, and while they are the same length, the Magnum is wider. Although this is just comparing within the Trojan family. Perhaps with other condom brands their standard size may be equal to Trojan's magnum.

      • http://www.facebook.com/gregpphoto Greg Petliski

        They are pretty comparable to durex both in length and width.

  • Chase V

    dont you have a boyfriend named aaron?

    • Katgeorge

      I wish

  • unuuh7
  • Joe

    See, everyone?? Safe sex is so easy and if you're crafty you don't even have to pay for it! I love that you take charge of your sexuality like that. Definite props.

  • eferf24
  • Rachel

    Kat George is such a fucking annoying person
    “my man”
    “his bits”
    are you serious
    just….leave

    • Rachel

      Since this comment is unusually vapid on my part, I'll try again. Kat George's writing is CONSISTENTLY unprofessional and always brings down Thought Catalog. Instead of contributing to an online publication that features charming and insightful personal essays about the 21st century world, Kat writes the most mundane, ridiculous, and CAMPY pieces that do not prove any points WHATSOEVER. I have learned absolutely nothing by reading this, the one about the food baby, the giddy account of a Skype date (which, by the way, had so much potential to be truly interesting). I just wish the editors of Thought Catalog were a little more selective about their contributors and would encourage a higher standard of writing amongst their writers.

  • hghhb9
  • hghhb9
  • eferf25
  • Sara

    i KNEW this was a kat george post.

    that's all.

  • eferf6
  • Guest666

    union pool one nighters thats whats up

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