My Level 99 Sorceress Will Destroy You (And Cut Off Your Ear)

She runs across the open moor with her hair flying wildly behind her. Lithe yet purposeful, there is a primal sensuality in her murderous power. She is being pursued; and a young girl, hidden from sight, watches in awe as the woman spins in a cloud of skirts and hair, lifts her orb above her head, bows, and kills all the monsters in the clearing with one foul blow.

The monsters were an inconvenience, mostly. The impact of their thudding sideswipes and shooting darts did minimal damage to her life (if they even managed to catch her) and regardless, it replenished instantaneously. But they were irritating in their persistence, and besides, she had to think about the rest of the team.

The Barbarian was most vulnerable. He was a level 20 and was slowing them down. Whoever was commanding him wasn’t dexterous enough with their mouse—they were leading him astray and distracting the Sorceress from her task. Even the Necromancer was more useful, and that’s saying something. The young girl sighs; she hopes rushing these fools will be worth it when Mephisto drops his load.

And so the young girl spent the majority of her after school hours—and so the Sorceress got stronger and stronger. It wasn’t her first Sorc—she had distributed the skill points haphazardly on her first Sorc, and even at level 99 she hadn’t been formidable enough. But this Sorc—the new one—she was a masterpiece, the young girl’s Sistine Chapel. She was unbeatable, even in Hell Cows, and had some amazing rarities in her inventory.

Sometimes, yes, every now and then, the young girl would hate her Sorceress. As proud as she was of her creation (she’d battle her boyfriend’s 99 Barb online and often times she’d win, despite his superiority to her in knowledge of the game), she sometimes wished she were at the mall with the cool girls, shoplifting lipsticks from cosmetics counters and flirting with football players. We all want these things sometimes, she’d say to herself, but where would we be if we all had all the things we wanted sometimes, when wanting is so fleeting?

So she curated her Sorc to near perfection, and she imagined the gaping mouths of her gamer friends when she blazed trails for them through the various levels of Diablo II with the ease of a diety. She reveled in the deaths of all the monsters plaguing upon the earth, the wonderful treasures she withdrew from the loins of battle and the romance of magic and fantastical violence.

Now, grown older (but not bigger or taller) the young girl occasionally pangs for her Sorceress. From the intoxicating thrill of gaming, the way she used to lose herself entirely in the frenzy of fantasy—Diablo II had been a hoot. It didn’t define her youth, nor did it consume it, but it was always her little escape, her oasis away from the world, like reading books or watching movies. So now she wonders, what’s a lady in her mid 20s to do when she discovers Diablo III? To play, or not to play? TC mark


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  • Leigh Alexander

    i can’t stand diablo, but it looks like 3 will be killa. play it. 

  • seriously

    already signed to play d3 for SK. i’m excited.

  • Asdf


  • Joseph Thomas

    Is there a release date for this yet?

  • Amber

    To PLAY!!!!! I played Diablo II as a Sorceress as well. That was an incredibly entertaining game, that I wish I could still indulge in from time to time. Kudos on the unearthing of a memory I had long ago buried.

    • Katgeorge

      It’s like being a kid and finding out everyone masturbates. Now we’re finding out that we all love Diablo.

  • fulldamage

    The patterns of our lives change as we grow older, and sometimes we have to move things around to fit in different places.  But when it comes to games, the answer is always, “Play!”  You may or may not hit L99 this time, but you should absolutely check it out.  I haven’t played since the very first one, and I still think I might give it a try.  

    Plus, it’s just always cool to know you’re a deadly sorceress in another life, even if no one else knows.  Especially if. 

    • Katgeorge

      You just put the biggest smile on my face. Maybe we should start a TC crew and run together killin crap?

      • fulldamage

        Aw, you know I’m down.  Holla when they announce a release date.  ^_^

  • JWG

    Who would ever want to hang out at a mall when they can kill the fucking devil? 

    Play diablo 3, the wizard looks dope.

  • Karl McDonald

    I relate to this way harder than I want to.

  • Carleigh Anne Mahaffey


    • Katgeorge

      Someone Tweeted to me that it would be the perfect way to spend winter–Blizzard for the blizzards! xx

  • Cory Tarlton

    Hell yes, play.  If there was ever a reason to have/find/hold a job, it’s to make enough spendy money to buy a new pc worthy of full-resolution, anti-aliased, max-shader DIII.

  • Silverhammer66

    Play! I miss my assassin…can’t wait to check out the demon hunter when I have time!

  • Silverhammer66

    Play! I miss my assassin…can’t wait to check out the demon hunter when I have time!

  • Croy1317

    diablo is the shit. 

  • Meg

    During the Chicago blizzard I sat in my living room for about 4 days pirating/playing/rekindling my old passion for Diablo. -8 degrees had nothin’ on me and my carpel tunnel. So basically what I’m saying is you should probably just look at this voodoo bitch and be sold like me.

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