My Food Baby And I

I am a tiny human. I am barely over five feet tall, and while I’m no waif (Greek girl T & A, baby) I do come in miniature proportions. There are several unique and direct effects of this—I am armpit height with subway commuters (sometimes when the train jolts I get thrust nose first into someone’s sweaty BO), I’m easy to throw around (hi boys!), and I’m always pregnant with a food baby. Let me explain.

After eating too much (read: all the time apart from when I’m sleeping and even then some) my stomach swells to a proportion not dissimilar to pregnancy (hence the name), where you can literally see the added mass of everything I ingest. There is even the action of going into labor (oh no, I need to take a shit!), the rush to the hospital (where the fuck is the nearest Starbucks?) and the final expulsion (breathe, push, breathe, breathe, push!).

Last Thanksgiving I was in Oklahoma with my friend Addie and her family. After lunch we collapsed on the floor of her living room, lying side-by-side. I let my head fall in her direction and I groaned, “hey Addie, want to see something awesome.”

I lifted up the front of my t-shit exposing my bloated, perfectly round belly. Addie’s eyes widened with terror.

“What the fuck?” she cried out, my engorged state shocking out of her encroaching food coma.

“It’s my food baby,” I giggled, which threw us into fits of laughter.

Addie’s mum came over to see what the commotion was and when she saw my exposed, inflated belly she shrieked “oh my God are you pregnant?” which only made us laugh more.

I’m both fascinated and revolted by my food baby. I look at it sometimes and stroke it, pondering the wonder of life — the awesomeness of the human body that it can contract and expand in such a way relative to what’s inside it. And then I look at it sometimes and wonder why, WHY, must I always look like I have a fucking small human growing inside of me every time I have a meal?

I wonder if I could use my food baby on the subway to get a seat. I wonder what my belly will look like when I’m actually pregnant. I wonder what my belly will look like when I’m actually pregnant and then I have a meal. Will I have two babies—a regular baby and a food baby? If I have two babies (a regular and a food one), which will I love more? What if they mutate together to form some kind of amazing X-Man?

When all is said and done, and there’s nothing left to ponder, the bottom line is that I love my food baby. It’s part of me, I want to nurture it, I want to help it diversify, I want to watch it grow in the morning, deflate in the afternoon, grow again at dinner, and deflate again right before bed. It’s an immaculate conception of the best kind. Food baby, it’s just you and me, kid. TC mark

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  • Sheryl Aliya

    hhahaa i love this. funny as helll

  • http://entropicalia.wordpress.com Alison

    Also, spent too much time at concerts, etc where going to the bathroom is a “project” thus please excuse my pee babies. Hm that sounds grosser typed out.

  • Brogan

    lol hilarious and thank you for writing this because I have the exact same problem. I am 5'1 and also look pregnant every time i eat. Now I dont feel like so bad about it thanks to you!

  • http://www.facebook.com/seikel Steve Seikel

    I live in Oklahoma and you should come show this to me.

  • Alyssa

    I'm 5'3″ and have a tiny frame as well. My food baby is awesome. Glad I'm not the only one that has one :)

  • mememe

    I have a food baby as of right now!  This does make me feel better.

  • andy88mail@gmail.com

    ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

    eeeewwwwwwwwwwwww

    you should develop an eating disorder.

    i am literally so grossed out.

    this just gives me another reason to hate short people.

    • JEN

      what the fuck ever. SHORT PEOplE rule!

  • Guest

    Not even gonna lie, I've actually named my food baby Frederick.

  • http://www.facebook.com/gregpphoto Greg Petliski

    Pics or it didn't happen.

  • Elle

    That was stupid.

  • guest

    Hahahahaha!

  • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

    I'm 5'8″ and moderately in-proportion but for the giant food baby I have at all times. I look at least four months pregnant on a good day. No lie. I have purposefully distended my stomach to obtain a subway seat. I have been accosted by well-meaning bouncers, i.e. “Are you sure it's safe for you to go in there?” (gestures to belly). I have made hideous faces at myself in the mirror whilst mimicking the 'proud parent-to-be' gesture of one hand above and one below the protrusion. 

    I wish I shared your love of my FB. Good for you for embracing it. :P

    Also, to be a total GN bitch…shouldn't the title be “My Food Baby and Me” or, as the URL itself suggests, “Me and My Food Baby”?

    • guest

      A food baby is completely different than someone who just happens to have a large stomach….

  • LeelaPop

    I am 5'0″ and think about this constantly. I take frequent coffee breaks in order to remain somewhat svelte, but that only helps so much.
    My only peace comes with knowing that when I deliver my food baby, it will rule the world.

  • eric

    there's something wrong with yr guts, and i think you might die

  • eferf23
  • Guest

    Thought Catalog is losing its charm…

    • Woyzeck

      Thought Catalog never had any charm.

      ITT: /b/references.

  • guest

    i'm 5'7″ and have the exact same problem. except mine is from binge eating all day, every day.

  • Kris

    Love your attitude towards your food baby!  Also love that I'm going to go make my own right now.

  • lls322
  • lls322
  • http://twitter.com/taniarahman tania rahman

    I laughed out loud reading this.. Good to know I am not alone!

  • xuene

    Best. Article. Ever.

  • http://twitter.com/jkymarsh J. Ky Marsh

    Okay, get these kinds of articles the fuck out of here. Worthless bullshit.

  • Bourdillon

    OK, I don't know how you managed it but this list about giving birth to shit is far less shitty than the Lykke Li article. Well done!

  • http://twitter.com/robinmalik Robin

    “What if they mutate together to form some kind of amazing X-Man?”
    Haha, hilarious!! I liked this article. Often the ones that try to be deep lack any real depth. This was funny and refreshing.

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