Some day, I’m going to be a mamma. Did you gasp? Are you horrified? No? What about if I said I can’t wait to push a brood of screaming, shitting, demanding, mini-humans out of the tiny hole between my legs? I want to be a mamma more than anything else. Here’s why:
1. I may have absolutely no muscle (I can’t even do one push up, not even one of those girlie ones on my knees—no exaggeration) and I’m weak as hell, but pain is my bitch. When I think about pushing a melon through a keyhole the concept seems scary at first, but in the best possible way i.e. ‘what a wonderful challenge,’ ‘the circle of life’ or ‘bonding experience.’ Plus, what a great thing to have over someone i.e. ‘I pushed your big ass head out of my teeny tiny vagina so don’t give me that attitude, fool.’
2. I want to be one of those mommies who only get fat in the belly. You know the ones—like when Rachel gets pregnant on Friends. It’s pretty much the cutest shit ever. Realistically though, my ass is going to explode, but I’m OK with that—I’ve always wanted a little bit more jelly. And what better excuse than a pregnancy to get nice and fat? I bet having a bit fat ass to sit on is just delightful.
3. I love the thought of having something growing inside me—something that’s supposed to be there, as opposed to something that’s not. It’s completely mind boggling to me that a tiny little human bakes inside a much bigger human before it’s ready to come into the world. I expect that feeling of growing a life inside me will be possibly the most thrilling feeling I will ever feel.
4. I think mommies have a special bond with their babies because of the whole growing/birthing cycle. Imagine being connected to another human in that way for the rest of your life—a person that literally CAME OUT OF YOU. It’s a concept that’s special, meaningful and personal and really, really fucking cool.
5. As well as forging a timeless bond with the little monster growing inside me, I look forward to the growth of my relationship with my baby daddy. If he’s in the picture, whether we’re married or not, the process of putting all our respective ingredients in a pot and stirring in an attempt to create A Really Good All Round Sort Of Person, is going to be a really wonderful adventure. I sincerely hope we don’t fuck it up.
6. I can’t wait to see the look on my mum’s face. My mommy was born to be a mommy and now that she’s semi-successfully raised three of her own she’s itching to embark on her next journey, and second purpose in life—being a grandma.
7. Kids have wonderful perspective. Sometimes kids say things that are so profound it hurts, and they have absolutely no idea. They’re wise, irreverent, innocent, honest, inquisitive and so much fun to be around. Even the gross shit they do is sort of cute, especially when they look at you with their huge, shining eyes and smile at you like a cheeky little pixie afterwards.
8. If my child turns out to be half the child I was… I’ll be relieved. I was quiet, obedient yet vibrant and eager to learn anything and everything—fuck now I’m actually starting to freak out that I’m not going to be able to raise kids like my mamma did. No seriously. What if my kids are assholes?
9. It’s going to be like having my period for 9 whole months, but better because people will have to give up their seat on the subway for me. I’ll be able to eat, bitch, cry and shit as much as I want, whenever I want and I’ll probably smell like a pirate but my husband/ partner/ baby daddy wont be able to say anything about it because I’m carrying his goddamned seed.
10. Giving up alcohol is going to suck but I’m going to be such a foul mood the only thing that’s going to cheer me up is making my husband/ partner/ baby daddy give it up too and watching him squirm all the while.
11. When I was 8 my first brother was born and my mom invited me to watch the birth. I freaked out and cried and refused to go. When I was 10, my mom gave birth to my second brother, and I refused to watch again. I have never regretted any thing more in my entire life (fuck you small Kat, why you have to go and ruin everything?), and I want absolutely everyone from mom to brother to best-friend in there watching me squeeze that God awful, shrieking, blood covered thing out of my vag.
12. License to shit freely? This child-birth thing has my name written all over it.
13. I’m really good with kids. I’m like the fucking kid whisperer or something. Sometimes when I see a kid crying in public I look at them with crazy eyes and a wide smile and say “stop crying little one!” and they stop, instantly. Seriously, someone should pay me or at least give me my own show.
14. I’m going to shape someone’s life. I’m going to support interests, subtly try to force my own broken dreams onto them, relent, and learn a lot in the process. Moreover I’m going to be the one to give advice, soothe tears, celebrate successes and spend a lifetime enjoying the happiness and lamenting the miseries of my own little creation.
15. I know you can’t pick, but I’m going to have 4 boys. Boys just love their mommies so much. I’m Greek so there’s probably some curse my yiayia can do to make this come true.
16. Most of my friends are going to have kids too. When we’re in mothers group we’ll betroth them to one another, and spend our lives scheming ways to make them fall in love and marry each other, which will make our friendships more dynamic. Then, when no one is watching, we’ll race them and place bets for money.
17. I have two, sometimes rebellious, mostly wonderful little brothers who, given our large age difference, I have helped mother with over the years. As painful as their indiscretions can be, it’s fun to sit back in private with my mamma and have a little laugh—remembering the time we ourselves mucked up as kids, how they’re good boys in the end and how we love them so.
18. If I don’t have kids who’s going to look after me when I’m an old ass bitch? Seriously I’m a writer for a living—ain’t no retirement fund in that! And if I do end up alone—away from my brothers, with no partner to love me or change my colostomy bag—I’m going to need someone I can guilt into watching old movies with me (note: ‘old movies’ at this point will most likely constitute things like Avatar and Maid In Manhattan).
19. Kids make good little house elves. My parents used to trick me into doing chores like painting the our natural wooden hot tub (two coats thanks, it took me all weekend) for a pittance ($5. I’m not joking. 5-fucking-dollars). 9-year-old me thought this was the most fucking brilliant thing ever (as did my cheap-ass Greek parents) which goes to show one thing—you can totally pay off kids to do good stuff, and you don’t need to break the bank doing it.
20. I want to have a life. And I will. Part of having a life, to me, is sharing it. There’s a wonderful thing I do called ‘being a freelance writer’ and hopefully one day I’ll be able to do it with my baby gurgling away on a blanket on the floor beside me. Kids aren’t a prison sentence—with the right support network of paid careers, family and friends I’m going to life my life the way I’ve always wanted. I’m going to raise a family. I’m going to have a career. I will not be absent from my children’s lives. And sometimes, I’m going to have a girls night, or a girls weekend, and I’m going to drink wine like I’m 25 again and I’ll think to myself ‘shit, I’m fucking lucky.’