20 Reasons I’m Going To Have Kids

Some day, I’m going to be a mamma. Did you gasp? Are you horrified? No? What about if I said I can’t wait to push a brood of screaming, shitting, demanding, mini-humans out of the tiny hole between my legs? I want to be a mamma more than anything else. Here’s why:

1. I may have absolutely no muscle (I can’t even do one push up, not even one of those girlie ones on my knees—no exaggeration) and I’m weak as hell, but pain is my bitch. When I think about pushing a melon through a keyhole the concept seems scary at first, but in the best possible way i.e. ‘what a wonderful challenge,’ ‘the circle of life’ or ‘bonding experience.’ Plus, what a great thing to have over someone i.e. ‘I pushed your big ass head out of my teeny tiny vagina so don’t give me that attitude, fool.’

2. I want to be one of those mommies who only get fat in the belly. You know the ones—like when Rachel gets pregnant on Friends. It’s pretty much the cutest shit ever. Realistically though, my ass is going to explode, but I’m OK with that—I’ve always wanted a little bit more jelly. And what better excuse than a pregnancy to get nice and fat? I bet having a bit fat ass to sit on is just delightful.

3. I love the thought of having something growing inside me—something that’s supposed to be there, as opposed to something that’s not. It’s completely mind boggling to me that a tiny little human bakes inside a much bigger human before it’s ready to come into the world. I expect that feeling of growing a life inside me will be possibly the most thrilling feeling I will ever feel.

4. I think mommies have a special bond with their babies because of the whole growing/birthing cycle. Imagine being connected to another human in that way for the rest of your life—a person that literally CAME OUT OF YOU. It’s a concept that’s special, meaningful and personal and really, really fucking cool.

5. As well as forging a timeless bond with the little monster growing inside me, I look forward to the growth of my relationship with my baby daddy. If he’s in the picture, whether we’re married or not, the process of putting all our respective ingredients in a pot and stirring in an attempt to create A Really Good All Round Sort Of Person, is going to be a really wonderful adventure. I sincerely hope we don’t fuck it up.

6.  I can’t wait to see the look on my mum’s face. My mommy was born to be a mommy and now that she’s semi-successfully raised three of her own she’s itching to embark on her next journey, and second purpose in life—being a grandma.

7.  Kids have wonderful perspective. Sometimes kids say things that are so profound it hurts, and they have absolutely no idea. They’re wise, irreverent, innocent, honest, inquisitive and so much fun to be around. Even the gross shit they do is sort of cute, especially when they look at you with their huge, shining eyes and smile at you like a cheeky little pixie afterwards.

8. If my child turns out to be half the child I was… I’ll be relieved. I was quiet, obedient yet vibrant and eager to learn anything and everything—fuck now I’m actually starting to freak out that I’m not going to be able to raise kids like my mamma did. No seriously. What if my kids are assholes?

9. It’s going to be like having my period for 9 whole months, but better because people will have to give up their seat on the subway for me. I’ll be able to eat, bitch, cry and shit as much as I want, whenever I want and I’ll probably smell like a pirate but my husband/ partner/ baby daddy wont be able to say anything about it because I’m carrying his goddamned seed.

10. Giving up alcohol is going to suck but I’m going to be such a foul mood the only thing that’s going to cheer me up is making my husband/ partner/ baby daddy give it up too and watching him squirm all the while.

11. When I was 8 my first brother was born and my mom invited me to watch the birth. I freaked out and cried and refused to go. When I was 10, my mom gave birth to my second brother, and I refused to watch again. I have never regretted any thing more in my entire life (fuck you small Kat, why you have to go and ruin everything?), and I want absolutely everyone from mom to brother to best-friend in there watching me squeeze that God awful, shrieking, blood covered thing out of my vag.

12. License to shit freely? This child-birth thing has my name written all over it.

13. I’m really good with kids. I’m like the fucking kid whisperer or something. Sometimes when I see a kid crying in public I look at them with crazy eyes and a wide smile and say “stop crying little one!” and they stop, instantly. Seriously, someone should pay me or at least give me my own show.

14. I’m going to shape someone’s life. I’m going to support interests, subtly try to force my own broken dreams onto them, relent, and learn a lot in the process. Moreover I’m going to be the one to give advice, soothe tears, celebrate successes and spend a lifetime enjoying the happiness and lamenting the miseries of my own little creation.

15. I know you can’t pick, but I’m going to have 4 boys. Boys just love their mommies so much. I’m Greek so there’s probably some curse my yiayia can do to make this come true.

16. Most of my friends are going to have kids too. When we’re in mothers group we’ll betroth them to one another, and spend our lives scheming ways to make them fall in love and marry each other, which will make our friendships more dynamic. Then, when no one is watching, we’ll race them and place bets for money.

17. I have two, sometimes rebellious, mostly wonderful little brothers who, given our large age difference, I have helped mother with over the years. As painful as their indiscretions can be, it’s fun to sit back in private with my mamma and have a little laugh—remembering the time we ourselves mucked up as kids, how they’re good boys in the end and how we love them so.

18. If I don’t have kids who’s going to look after me when I’m an old ass bitch? Seriously I’m a writer for a living—ain’t no retirement fund in that! And if I do end up alone—away from my brothers, with no partner to love me or change my colostomy bag—I’m going to need someone I can guilt into watching old movies with me (note: ‘old movies’ at this point will most likely constitute things like Avatar and Maid In Manhattan).

19. Kids make good little house elves. My parents used to trick me into doing chores like painting the our natural wooden hot tub (two coats thanks, it took me all weekend) for a pittance ($5. I’m not joking. 5-fucking-dollars). 9-year-old me thought this was the most fucking brilliant thing ever (as did my cheap-ass Greek parents) which goes to show one thing—you can totally pay off kids to do good stuff, and you don’t need to break the bank doing it.

20. I want to have a life. And I will. Part of having a life, to me, is sharing it. There’s a wonderful thing I do called ‘being a freelance writer’ and hopefully one day I’ll be able to do it with my baby gurgling away on a blanket on the floor beside me. Kids aren’t a prison sentence—with the right support network of paid careers, family and friends I’m going to life my life the way I’ve always wanted. I’m going to raise a family. I’m going to have a career. I will not be absent from my children’s lives. And sometimes, I’m going to have a girls night, or a girls weekend, and I’m going to drink wine like I’m 25 again and I’ll think to myself ‘shit, I’m fucking lucky.’ TC mark

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  • douchegirl

    I loved this! I always see “I’ll never ever not never have children” posts, but not a lot of this kind.

    I can’t wait to be a mom either and I’ll admit with no shame in my game.

  • xuene

    While I have no qualms about you having kids, I think your reasons – and perhaps you – are fucking crazy. No offense taken, I hope.

    • anon

      I was thinking the exact same thing. I’m worried for your child. 

    • Dawnaconda

      Pretty much agreed.

  • Kendallferguson

    “I’m Greek so there’s probably some curse my yiayia can do to make this come true.”

    That was a truly great line.

  • RYAN

    Kat- this was beautiful! I am certainly jealous of your qualities that will allow you to be one kick-ass mom. This was just wonderful to read, not to mention, funny! PLEASE have four kids and then write about how much you love your life so I can read it in the future… maybe then I will have that longing too and change my mind :) Loved it, well done.

  • Lauren

    God this is immature. I hope you’re kidding but I fear you’re not.

    • Pink

      Yah. Kat George, your reasons are lame and you’re lame. That’s all. Unsubbing.

  • Don Phelippe

    Beautiful – I hope you really get to live this beautiful dream, and be a shining example for other women around you, because, frankly, I am tired of listening to every female friend of mine the usual crap “I don’t want to, what kind of world is this for a baby, I am not ready, Perhaps later” and ALL THAT. LOUSY. SHIT.
    Good luck – Καλή επιτυχία, ολόψυχα! (hey, whaddya know, Greeks read TC too ;-) )

    • SisterRay

      Right, because regardless of whether or not a woman actually wants to have kids, that’s all she should do with her life, because she’s biologically equipped to do so.

      • Dawnaconda

        I think you missed the point, SisterRay. I honestly don’t think he was implying women should just have babies because they are equipped to do so. He was praising a woman because she outright proclaims she *wants* to have babies… that’s very different.

  • Joel

    I can’t help but just skip right down to the comments on these “20 Reasons…” and other list posts. These are really really boring.

  • Nixter_doodle

    Also, having a kid means having someone to guilt trip! Good piece. 

  • Anonymous

    I find these rebuttal pieces to be annoying/boring. We get it people have different opinions, but it would be nice to read new ideas and not just something that could have been summed up in a comment on that post.

    • Asssss

      I find these rebuttal comments to be annoying/boring. We get it people have different opinions, but it would be nice to read new ideas and not just something that could have been summed up in wasting your time on that post.

      • Jordan

        Agreed, despite my approval of this in particular.  Response posts and How Tos are the scourge of TC.

      • Anonymous

        omg how clever!

        without reading/commenting there would be no point for anyone to post here, and not everything has to be praise.

      • Asssss

        I dont think that commenting on articles (either positive or negative) is unnecessary. In fact, I think its an important thing for writers of this site to get feedback on their articles. 

        That being said:

        You are not commenting on this article or giving the author or the readers of this site any real valuable insight to the position the author takes. Your main comment is that EVERY rebuttal piece on this site is trash and unnecessary. If you really think that rebuttal pieces should not be here, then as a corollary,  comment sections should also be removed. Thats why I copied and then changed your quote…

        GOD FORBID, TC starts to let people exhibit their bright talents online. Be it original thoughts or reaction pieces to what is said.  Also dont forget, there are moderators on this site that review pieces before being published. Im pretty sure other people wrote similar articles and submitted. If you trust them to decide what goes on here with original content, why wouldn’t you trust them in choosing equally deserving rebuttal pieces that wont be relegated to degrading comments coming from people like yourself who artificially put their time at some imaginary premium…

        Also, in looking at your past comments, its obvious you dont like the idea of having kids. Thats fine, and your right. But if you truly have such disdain for rebuttal pieces, then why aren’t you saying the same of those? Way to be selective.

        Get off your high horse.

      • Anonymous

        The only rebuttal piece that I can think of that I have commented on is the southern liberal arts fashion post versus the generalization of liberal arts fashion, if I commented on anymore than I did not realize they were in fact rebuttals. I made a passing comment on a post because I have been noticing more rebuttal pieces more often, and thought I would mention it. I never attacked personally attacked the writer. Also you were very obviously being snarky in your initial comment to me so why don’t you just take the stick out of your Asssss. You are taking this far more personally than anyone should. Time to take a step back.

      • http://twitter.com/jkymarsh J. Ky Marsh

        Lilly, I really like you. Let’s be friends.

  • Jordan

    Mucho gusto!  I played The Game with this and I knew it would be yours.  Why?  Because you always right the best positive response-posts.  This post realizes that it’s not ALL fun, there’s pain and work, but there is fun and purpose, and it’s still alright.  Reminds me of Woody Allen’s quote about it all being over far too soon.

  • Sophia

    The picture that goes with this article is from this adorable video. http://www.vimeo.com/2113477?pg=embed&sec=2113477Seriously, watch it. Adorable beyond comprehension. (I discovered that vid a couple of months ago and was all excited when I recognized the screenshot)

    • Jordan

      Whoah, babies speaking French (french, right?) sound smart and cute as hell!  Awesome video

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      CAPUCINE! 

  • Anonymous

    Is it just me or has Thought Catalog changed in the last 6 months or so? It used to be existential think-pieces by Tao Lin, moody surreal dispatches from Megan Boyle, BSG was doing his hyper-sensitive philosopher thing, Jimmy Chen was writing vaguely offensive, semi-depressed accounts of his life and times, Chelsea Fagan was pissing people off with her unapologetic WASP sensibilities, etc. etc. There was a certain zeitgeist, and some legit intellectual heft mixed in with the occasional hook-up story.

    Now it’s like reading rejected submissions to Cosmo from some middlebrow college girl living in NYC on daddy’s dime. I love listicles and dating advice as much as the next guy but can we pepper in some innovative writing every once in awhile? Maybe someone with a distinct point of view or something slightly transgressive to say? I mean, girls that love puppy dog boys and just want to be mommies… I don’t know, man. Not exactly blowing my mind.

    This site was kicking ass for a stretch there.

    • Anonymous

      Look out for my new article, “Gays and Blacks Are the Devil.”

      • Anonymous

        Meant WASP in a good way. You know… like a young Nelson Rockefeller.

    • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

      Come back, Megan Boyle. COME BACK.

  • Sesquipedalian89

    She’s not crazy. She’s trying to be funny.

  • http://goldenday.tumblr.com Kia Etienne

    “fuck you small Kat”
    LOLZ

  • SisterRay

    Why do the articles on here just get more and more annoying? Plus women who say they want to be pregnant so they can be obnoxious fat assholes is…not a good reason to have kids.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1712117106 Jocelyn 'Cherry Bomb' Duncan

    Eeeew. ‘Nuff said

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1712117106 Jocelyn 'Cherry Bomb' Duncan

    Eeeew. ‘Nuff said

  • JEN

    This was very cute… you make me want to have kids now!

  • annabelle

    I love this. Nuff said.

  • Guest

    I’m going to have kids because I think giving up your body for 9 months and completing changing your life for 18+ years is the most unselfish act one can do on this planet. But, you know, getting to whine non-stop and eating like shit is pretty cool too.

  • guest

    oh god I feel sick

  • Anonymous

    ta.gg/4vh

  • padface

    This should have been called “20 reasons why I’m going to have a C-section”.

  • padface

    This should have been called “20 reasons why I’m going to have a C-section”.

  • your cousin

    I liked this, and I didn’t take it as superseriously as some others seem to have. I look forward to having my own children, but not today. Also, my brother and I were adopted, and the fact that our [adoptive] mom never got to have all that bonding stuff with her babies kind of bums me out on her behalf.

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