10 Things You Should Never Do In Front Of Your Lover While Naked

There’s nothing worse than wearing pants—nudity is a wonderful thing. But you’re at your most vulnerable when you’re naked, at the mercy of emotions and the elements, which are both liable to kick your bare ass at any moment. Here’s a guide I prepared (based on my own experience) to help you navigate the minefield of the ubiquitous birthday suit in the context of a relationship.

1. Don’t cry. There is nothing worse than a naked person crying. As the crier, you’re bare, emotionally and physically, and there’s nothing more humiliating or difficult as baring yourself at your most vulnerable. On the flip side, for the dressed non-crier, what the fuck do you do when there’s a naked person crying in front of you? You can’t hug a naked person if you’re dressed; it’s weird and kid of creepy, especially if you get a boner. Plus they just look really fucking ridiculous. If it’s your lover you’ll probably always associate their naked body with tears, and unless you’re a complete sadist there’s nothing sexy about that.

2. Don’t squat. Have you ever seen a naked person squatting? Especially from behind? They just look poised to shit, and if they’re squatting maybe they are, in which case you should dump their naked ass before they do (dump, that is). Also, don’t ever ask your best friend to ‘stand guard’ while you squat-pee naked on the beach in Byron Bay. If that friend is me then she’s going to have a camera and she’s going to take a photo of you. From behind.

3. Don’t sleep naked.Does your lover have housemates? If the answer is yes then put on some clothes before you fall asleep unless you want to find yourself in a very uncomfortable situation. I know, I know—wearing clothing to bed fucking sucks, but you don’t want to be the guy who, disoriented, gets up and goes for a naked stroll to the bathroom only to run into my roommate. You also don’t want to have your naked tits and ass hanging out the side of the sheets when you wake up on someone’s living room floor and realize the voices you can hear are his dad and his dad’s friends who are having a coffee on their way out for their morning surf. Even if they are saying how nice your tits are.

4. Don’t forget your underwear.It’s all well and good to lean across to your lover at a dinner party and whisper “I didn’t wear any panties,” but the fallout almost always ends in public boners, unexpected gusts of wind and catching your pubes in your fly.

5. Don’t eat fried chicken.50% of people are turned on by their lover eating fried chicken while naked—50% are not. This statistic is real and true comes from field research conducted by me, undertaken by eating fried chicken naked in front of a range of lovers. If you’re anything like me, you don’t give a fuck what your lover thinks and you just want to eat the fried chicken. If you’d prefer the sex then I wouldn’t risk it, or at least politely ask first.

6. Don’t ask for anything.Don’t ask me for anal sex while you’re naked. Take me out for dinner like a gentleman at least. Your penis is difficult to look at in the best of times (I swear to God those things just stare at me, like the Mona Lisa, it doesn’t matter how I maneuver myself they’re always just giving me the eye), and it just gets a whole lot less lovable when it’s staring at me like that and you’re asking to stick it in my ass. Personality goes a long way, even for a penis. On the flip side if you’re really hot or have amazing tits and you ask for something naked (especially if you follow it up with oral sex) then you’re going to get a definite ‘yes’ which in reality (minus the nudity) is actually a ‘no’.

7. Don’t light candles.It’s self-explanatory. Also I wouldn’t suggest smoking while naked. You’re not Don Draper and you are going to get ash in your pubes. I’m just sayin’.

8. Don’t pass out in a public place.Even if you think it’s private—double-check. Once I met a boy in Rome who worked at the hostel bar and he took me to a special room (yep, the hostel staff had a sex room) where we fooled around and finally passed out. It turns out the sex room (or ‘mirror room’ as they so affectionately called it) was a storage room for backpacks while guests rooms were being readied—I woke up to 6 people standing around my naked, spread eagled body. The worst part was squeezing past my new friends through a doorway designed for Italian midgets. Walk of shame.

9. Don’t fart. If it’s during sex with me I will probably laugh uncontrollably and have to stop mid-act, at which point you will tantrum at my childishness, storm out of the room and lock yourself in the bathroom for the next half an hour. When you come back we can try again, but I’ll just remember the hilarity of the previous event and start laughing all over again. You will hate me and feel emasculated. I will realize how immature I am, promise you I’ll grow up, but know that I can’t kid myself and I’ll always find farting hilarious.

10. Don’t be shy. Let it all hang out. Being naked is the best—don’t put your undies and t-shirt back on straight after sex! Walk around the room! Tell jokes! Embrace your natural state! Be happy that someone else embraces your naked state! Be a naked bro! Enjoy your newfound freedom! Down with pants! TC mark

image – mtrev_sposto

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  • jules

    actually made me laugh out loud. great.

  • merav

    first TC article in a long-ass time that made me laugh

  • http://www.oneyearintexas.com Perfect Circles

    I hope the story about the “special room” is false.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    Don't be shy you say?!

  • klaus

    11. Don't open a pickle jar
    12. Don't sand your floor
    13. Don't play Battleship
    14. Don't fix a broken bike chain

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      15. Don't play Slapjack.

  • Ts876

    I'm serious when I say this; I'm really not a farting kind of girl. I just so happened to fart about 10 minutes after my boyfriend and I had sex one day while we were lying side by side. It just… Happened. I was so embarrassed. I don't fart for literally days, and then I go and do that.

  • http://www.facebook.com/PlaceboDomingo Maa' Hes

    please proof read

    also, you spend the first 70% of this telling people to not be seen naked and that it would be embarrassing, etc. and then you say not to be shy?

    • Seymour Blake

      Right. She also takes a jab at the male sex organ, then expects people to feel comfortable naked.

      I don't get it.

      • Nsain

        I think what she was trying to get at was; Yes there will be embarrassing moments. Farts gargling out unexpectedly, stubbing your toe as you (less then gracefully) evacuate the bed which causes you to stumbling rain dance around the room like a epileptic having a seizure, or even just the usual awkward moments like noticing just too late that while you and your partner are dressed in giant panda suits going at it wildly and obliviously … while her parents watch in disgust from the doorway.

        10: says just go naked anyway, even after the facts. Basically, fuck it. If your going to look stupid, at least do it proudly! That is what i got from all this. Nicely written Kat. *gives her a thumbs up and a free twinkie*

      • Katgeorge

        Thanks for clarifying for me… I didn't think I'd have to but unfortunately I think a lot of people have chosen to read this as a deeply serious/philosophical piece.

      • Seymour Blake

        I actually got all of that, @Nsain:disqus , but what I'm saying is that the transition from 'you're ugly naked,' to 'be naked, it's great!' is a bit awkward and sudden. 
        I'm not trying to bash your writing, Kat. I'm just pointing out what seems to be an inconsistency. I get that the essay is a joke, but my point still stands. You attack (okay, “attack” may be a bit rough) the male anatomy, then tell us that being naked is great. When you attack the male anatomy, you do it based on looks alone, writing, “Your penis is difficult to look at in the best of times.” How is that supposed to make someone feel about “letting it all hang out”? If the male body is difficult to look at in the best of times, then are you really embracing someone's “natural state”?That's all. Again, I'm not one to bash writers, especially skilled writers (such as yourself), but I felt that the inconsistency was worth mentioning. Looking forward to your next piece.

      • Nsain

        I agree with you Seymour to an extent. But when it comes down to it you know as well as i do that the only thing sexy about the male genitalia is a big pile of NOTHING. Yea i said it, absolutely nothing attractive, no possible way of it ever being attractive. Shit if we put a little hat on it, drew eyes and taped a little beard to it, it would still just look like an ugly ass dick dressed up as Abraham Lincoln. The fact of the matter is, that's ok. There is nothing we can do about it. (we, being the male species). Embracing this and just letting it hang out in all its Quasimodo like charm is better than hiding in the dark and playing “Marco Polo” every time you want to bump some uglies with a probably confused and worried woman.

  • SisterRay

    As Seinfeld taught us, don't cough.

  • anon

    never eat “friend chicken”

    so sad

  • Lou

    I dunno dude, I really love naked farts. I'm not sure I could give that up for something as menial as a lover's esteem.

    • Katgeorge

      I like you Lou, I really do.

  • anon

    I don't mean to breed
    negativity here (in fact i question the productivity of even posting
    this comment) but this brave new Kat George you are cultivating seems
    like a real douchebag.

    Dare i say it but i rather admired your attitude a little while ago
    and now i just feel nauseous when reading your -generally- vacuous
    stories/blog entries. As somebody who was familiar with your older blogging/writing I wish you
    wouldn't try so hard. You were cool enough as you were. Everything you now write feels forced, obnoxious and uninspired.

    I feel like an underwhelmed father in a made-for-tv movie saying this, but, I hoped better of you (as a writer).

    • Katgeorge

      Thanks for liking this Brodie

  • lebronojames1
  • dechonmustard

    I totally agree with 10!
    It's so disappointing when they put something on afterward

  • Alex Keen

    4. Don’t forget your underwear.It’s all well and
    good to lean across to your lover at a dinner party and whisper “I
    didn’t wear any panties,” but the fallout almost always ends in public
    boners, unexpected gusts of wind and catching your pubes in your fly.

    This seems out of place in an article about things you shouldn't do while you're naked. Added to make an even 10 I wonder?

  • http://twitter.com/fgg23 Francisco García

    When you're with a naked person, do not try to count or classify their moles, scars, and birth marks. Maybe it's just me, but it feels like a medical examination, and that is not sexy.

  • lula

    down with pants! amen :)

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