I’ve Never Met A Douchebag I Didn’t Love

Look Catalog
Look Catalog

If there were such a thing as a “nice guy repeller”, you can bet your pumpkin spice latte it is yours truly that is endorsing it. I am basically living proof that nice guys do indeed finish last. Always. In all aspects of life. The nice guys I have encountered and tried dating are pretty much comparable to a night out drinking Vodka Tonics: sounds like a safe choice, stays a safe choice, does not get much of a buzz and walks away with few good stories of the night before to tell. Boring. Pass me the whiskey.

Douchebags on the other hand are my specialty.

I’ve never met one I didn’t like or didn’t want to get to know. One walks in my vicinity and my poor-life-decision radar goes off. Game over. Cue the Fireball shots. Story time with my friends has already been scheduled for the next day and I don’t want to disappoint them, ya know?

There are two types of douchebags in the world; one who is a complete selfish, narcissistic asshole and the other who is an alpha that gets shit done and takes names. The first one you can point out the second you see him. He is more than likely the boy who has no ambitions, drinks excessively, and does ungodly amounts of drugs and works at a shitty job just to get a paycheck to spend on said alcohol and drugs (actions also known as “douchebaggery”). You go, Glen Coco. Aiming high.

The alpha is a man who more than likely gets what he wants, how and when he wants it. He is probably a CEO, President, or very successful in his craft. He can charm the pants off of anyone and knows the question and answer before you even think it. He can be the perfect mixture of being a decent human being and knowing when it’s time to get his hands dirty in order to reach the finish line. He knows when to walk away and how far to walk in order to keep you guessing and wanting more. He will break your heart 10 times to Sunday and you will still want and go back for more. He came up with, wrote the rules and is master of the game. In other words, you’re screwed and I’m sold. Dating expiration date: pending.

Example of a douchebag as told by Robin Scherbatsky from How I Met Your Mother:

Ted: Right, I forgot, she thinks fighting is sexy.

Robin: No, I do not… a lot! Look, I come from a culture of hockey players. If a guy can throw down it’s somewhat way hot. And scars? Hello! If a guy’s got a scar, he’s got a Robin, and if he’s missing teeth, I’m missing my pants.

In other words, this guy knows how to get what he wants and bonus points if he actually is a hockey player (Go Caps). The nice guy plays in the safe zone and hides in the shadows. He just doesn’t have that raw, unpredictable, consuming, take-me-I’m-yours factor and I thrive off of all of that. I want it all and a douchebag knows how to serve all of that up on a nice shiny platter. And who doesn’t love shiny stuff?

Don’t get me wrong, nice guys are masters of a game too. It’s a game called The Friend Zone. I rest my case.

Cheers to you, douchebags. Keeping my friends entertained since, well, a while. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

More From Thought Catalog