I’ve been reading my old journals lately. It started when my best friend disputed my recollection of something from our twenties. I went to the tape, as they say. And for the record, I was right. That was a real win for me, because I don’t usually remember anything properly. Since then, I’ve been re-living each year of my life.
Here are my most ridiculous lines from 1998 — Pre-Twitter Tweets, I suppose.
January 3 (I was home from college for the holidays.)
It’s 3:09 am, and someone in this house is snoring so loud that it’s blasting into my room from the air vents like a freight train. I think it’s Grandma.
How come Julia Ormond gets three guys in “Legends of the Fall” and I don’t even get one?
I swear, people of the 90’s are unmannerly slobs. I was born in the wrong era.
I take my art seriously. If it’s not right, I’m ashamed.
Pretty sure I’ve been alive long enough now that people are beginning to see through me.
I was only attracted to him whenever he wore that sweatshirt.
I am naked, surrounded by candles, listening to Enya, burning rose oil.
Drug dogs raided the dorm today. Good thing I’m not hip enough to be sitting on a stash of anything. The cops banged on my door looking tough. I laughed and said, “yeah, be my guest.”
It’s possible that I’m a relationship pro. Not because I’ve been in a lot, but because I’ve witnessed years of my friends’ relationships, and I’ve pinpointed everything that they do wrong.
Maybe today a UPS man will show up with a package full of the answers.
I feel sure that my parents could retire happily right now if it wasn’t for all of the money that I’ve cost them. Why did they have kids? Having kids seems like one of those things that everyone does and then wishes they didn’t but they don’t feel allowed to vocalize that because everyone else has done the same thing and they’re not complaining. Secretly, does everyone wish they never had kids?
Why am I genuinely sweet one minute and a total bitch the next?
Ugh, she lives her life like she thinks she’s an Ayn Rand character.
It’s so damn hard to forget that day you cupped my face in your hands and told me that I radiate love.
I should just give into the inconsistencies of being young. I expect too much of myself.
We walked together to his truck to get his pacifier and discussed books. We both love Alan Watts. (Current day note: oh man, ”pacifier”…we were at a rave. Sigh.)
He said “you constantly amaze me,” and it knocked the wind out of my chest. Later, I wondered how many other girls he’s said that to and felt stupid for thinking I was special.
I love the way he walks. He’s always on the lookout; a tall ninja, prepared to duck for a low doorway.
I asked him where he saw himself in five years. He said “asleep.”
I think of him when I hear dumb top 40 love ballads and wish that we could still be together to make fun of them, although secretly I feel the same way the singer feels.
I’m okay. Everything’s under control. I mean, my heart is broken and I’m almost failing college, but whatever.