Dear Universe: Help

Dear Universe,

I am struggling tonight for peace. Four words repeat themselves over and over like a drumbeat in the back of my mind:

What. Is. The. Point?

I’m a middle class white girl from the suburbs, who was blessed, growing up, to be fed three meals a day by parents who loved me and sacrificed their own needs for anything that I asked for.

I realize that children all over the world suffer on a daily basis fighting disease, hunger, and poverty.

I was not one of them. I had a bike, a handful of Barbie dolls, princess dresses, and a safe neighborhood to roam in until it was time to come home for dinner.

I graduated from high school. I went to a variety of colleges. I experienced things both good and bad, but all in all, I spent my teenage years with a continued sense of well-being and optimism.

I was ill prepared for the new reality that so many of us in our country now face.

Take a walk to Zuccoti Park and you’ll see it all firsthand.

We are in a state of crisis.

My confidence in my own success, the stability of my country, and my sense of security erodes on a daily basis.

I am left with an uncontrollable sense of panic and helplessness.

At thirty-four years old, every day of my life feels harder than the one before it.

When my parents were thirty-four, they owned a home and were raising two small children.

While I’m sure their life wasn’t all roses and sunshine, on the whole, they were living the American dream.

Having a child of my own, becoming a mother – something I never doubted would happen – is now a pipe dream.

Owning a home, which I assumed would be a natural milestone of my adulthood, will most likely not be possible in my lifetime.

I never imagined while playing house as a child that I’d find myself divorced after ten years of a marriage in which my role was one of the primary earner. That my wedded bliss would in reality be a liability that left me emotionally and financially drained.

I never imagined in the years that I worked my way up my career ladder I would find myself less professionally stable at age thirty-four than at age twenty-four.

In my twenties, when I got a bonus, I’d celebrate with the purchase of a designer purse. I’d take a group of friends out for a five star dinner. I’d buy a hundred dollar bottle of champagne and lease a newer car.

Am I being punished for every time I made a foolish decision? Are we not, as humans, allowed the room to make mistakes, learn from them, and move on? Must I worry so deeply now because I didn’t save every dollar as if it were my last then?

I’ve made some poor choices.

I take responsibility for them.

I apologize.

I admit that my every action has not been flawless.

I am not an impeccable human.

But I have committed no crimes. I’ve participated in politics in hopes of joining my voice with my community’s to maintain and equalize all civil rights and privileges. I’ve volunteered to help those in need. I’ve extended myself as a friend and a professional associate in every way possible. I gave my marriage all of my best, with my whole heart.

Yet I feel I have been left with nothing. I am emotionally, spiritually, and financially bankrupt. I am one false move, one bad week away from not making my rent. I am so stressed with the dawn of each new day that my chest feels tight from the second my eyes open.

And I am completely alone. The years I invested in building a mutual support system around me now feel like theatre, like a play that I watched on a stage, and the curtain closed before I realized we were in the final act. It is literally every man for himself at this stage of the game.

At thirty-four years old, I am simply out of energy. I am devoid of hope. I am tired of fighting for a standard of living that used to qualify as the bare minimum and is now deemed luxurious. I am lonely, scared, and paralyzed at the thought of the future.

I share these thoughts with you as humbly as possible. It is not my wish to whine and play the victim. I am a solution-oriented person, one who wants to move forward, who deeply desires a brighter tomorrow.

It’s just that I am out of ideas.

I simply want:

  • to be a good person
  • to contribute to society in any positive way I can
  • to love and be loved in return.

These are my goals, wishes, hopes, and dreams.

Screw the kids and the house. I can do without.

But love? A livable wage?

These two I actually need.

Without them, what is there?

What am I?

Dearest Universe, God, Angels, Buddha, whatever you are, wherever you are, please. Forgive me my doubts of your existence, because tonight, I need to believe in a miracle that you can produce.

I need your help.

image – Phillip Chee

More From Thought Catalog

  • Guest

    An hero.

  • Line

    what a claustrophobic existence you have. 

  • Guest

    I find it difficult to not see you as ‘whining and playing the victim’ with a statement such as “screw the kids”.

  • RKEAN

    Beautiful and morose and affirming, yes! 

  • RKEAN

    Beautiful and morose and affirming, yes! 

  • RKEAN

    Beautiful and morose and affirming, yes! 

  • RKEAN

    Beautiful and morose and affirming, yes! 

  • Guest

    I feel like this is the most genuine post I’ve seen here. Take heart, at least you have one.

  • Guest

    I feel like this is the most genuine post I’ve seen here. Take heart, at least you have one.

  • Been there, have the tshirt

    My heart aches for you. Please know that it will get better. How do I know that? Because I’ve been there – I’ve been where you are. And I’m not rich by any means. I don’t own a house. I don’t know if I’ll ever have a child, either. I’d curl up into a ball and weep and never want to wake up if I knew that I’d never HAVE a child, but that’s not for me to know right now. 

    You keep on keepin’ on…BECAUSE you are a solutions-type of person, you will find your solution(s) and lief WILL improve. It might not ever be the American dream…but it’ll be a good life. 

  • Been there, have the tshirt

    My heart aches for you. Please know that it will get better. How do I know that? Because I’ve been there – I’ve been where you are. And I’m not rich by any means. I don’t own a house. I don’t know if I’ll ever have a child, either. I’d curl up into a ball and weep and never want to wake up if I knew that I’d never HAVE a child, but that’s not for me to know right now. 

    You keep on keepin’ on…BECAUSE you are a solutions-type of person, you will find your solution(s) and lief WILL improve. It might not ever be the American dream…but it’ll be a good life. 

  • Guest21

    Im 21 and in college and this makes me terrified for what my future holds.

  • Guest21

    Im 21 and in college and this makes me terrified for what my future holds.

    • Guest21two

      Same.

    • http://twitter.com/2lost2survive JCramps

      I don’t know what to pray to, but I might need to start somehow. I need this to not be a way of life three years from now when I graduate. I’m too fragile.

    • BAM!!

      im 19 in college and I’m scared as fuck. should i be worrying this early? i feel like an old hag

      • http://twitter.com/Tiggeruth Ruthy

        Don’t feel bad about it. You’re not alone, I’m 19 and I feel that way too.

    • http://www.twitter.com/mexifrida Frida

      I’m 17 and going to college next year and the fear is 100% there already.

  • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Jordana Bevan

    Not the kind of thoughts I want to hear as a return to university, but the kind of thoughts I know will plague the rest of my life if I choose to play the American game and do the college, career, etc……….. fuck

    It takes too much courage (or insanity? stupidity? fuck!!!!!!!!) to give up this life.

  • Carla

    You are emotionally, spiritually and financially bankrupt, stressed and devoid of hope. Dig deep little one. You are also young and gifted and human. And specific to humanity is an ability to alter your perception of the world such that ideas and energy will flow again. It will. Trust in time, call a friend, love yourself and continue to believe in the essential goodness of life. THAT is the real American dream. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=562286127 EJ Missy

    hi Karyn, i read your blog. you’re my new muse. :)

  • indra

    Leave America, duh.  Teach overseas. Join the Peace Corps. Whatever. It’s no big deal. It’ll be ok. 

    • http://karyninny.com/ karyn

      i applied to the peace corps when i got out of college and was told that they didn’t want candidates with art school degrees, that they were looking for people with educational and engineering degrees. i lived in thailand last year and loved it, but ultimately, america is my home, one that i will continue to strive to succeed in. nbd indeed.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1526735 Ted Jordan

    You are so cool! And REAL. You are a wonderful, honest person, Karyn. Especially your last full paragraph. Jesus is the truth, and he heard this totally honest heart-cry of yours… and that is good! I love you yo, for sure.

    • Gwab

      NOOOOOOOOO

    • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

  • http://twitter.com/Erikhaspresence Erik Stinson

  • John

    So uuuhhh… are we going to help her somehow?

    I’m not going to pretend that I have any ideas (I really don’t), but like.. I see some “nice article!” and no like.. “hey, I live in the Universe. maybe I can help…?”

    So. Karyn, right? Anything I can do?

    • http://karyninny.com/ karyn

      hi john. you helped by asking if you could help. my sincere thanks. 

  • Jsree84

    One small step at  time. No matter how small, we move forward instead of taking a step back.  Financially, we all could use some help. But we fail (and I’m a huge failure here) to realise that if we make small changes to our spendings, we eventually have a bit more and that adds up. Put it into practise and we see a bigger payback. I need to start doing that myself.  But as for love? I think if you do what you love to do, you’ll find someone who’ll love you. We need to love ourselves first. Enjoy a walk in the park? If you have kids, cook with them, read to them, I dunno, I’m 26 yrs old and I think I’ll probably do that… and read “Why men love bitches” if you do find someone. That has helped me understand why men love independent women.  :)  Hope this helps you.

  • Jsree84

    oh and read Dale Carnegie’s How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. 

  • Nick

    Most self indulgent article I’ve seen on here and that is saying a lot.

  • anonymous

    i feel as hopeless and lost as you do. you aren’t alone.

  • VK

    The Zeitgeist Movement. The Venus Project. Those two are your answers.

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