The Three Times I Took Ambien

The first time I took Ambien, I worked for an actor and our schedule was bananas. When you’re filming a movie, you have to shoot all night to finish one outdoor nighttime scene. We’d work three or four days from 6pm-6am and then the next couple of days we’d go back to shooting during the day. We bounced back and forth from days to nights like that every week and big surprise, my body did not like it.

After my first few weeks of this, I was so screwed up that I couldn’t fall asleep during the time allotted for sleep. My brain turned to cheese and I constantly felt like I was going to burst into tears.

The on-set doctor heard me complaining and sent me home with a bag of Ambien samples. What she failed to tell me was to read the directions. Maybe she thought that was obvious? Please. I assemble IKEA furniture on the fly. I don’t seek advice from enclosed literature.

Well! Turns out the most important thing about Ambien is that once you take it, you should immediately get in bed, turn the lights off, and close your eyes.

I can’t stress this enough. If you don’t do that, parts of your brain turn off, but your body keeps functioning. Literally, the lights are on but no one’s home.

I swallowed the pill, and thinking I should chillax until it made me sleepy, went downstairs and started watching TV. Oprah was on the DVR. Hey, I like Oprah. Oh, sweet! James Frey is on!

Then I woke up in a sand trap on a golf course in my pajamas.

There was a message on my phone from my dude that said “I’m forwarding you the voice mail you left me last night. Please review and explain”.

Baaby. I dun wan Operah to lose her Oprahness. But whaa is she doin to my James Frey? She was soo. Wrong. He was hurtin. She was hurtin. So much pain. Pain pain pain pain. T Pain. He’s a rapper. It’s a raaaap. So yeah, what a show. What. A. Show. Shit show. Pile of Snow. Anywayyyyyyyyyy, wish you were here. You know how you get all sexy and I pretend like I dun likeit? Well I do. And if you were here. Maaan. OK baaby gonna go play some golf now luuuuuuuuuv you.

The second time I took Ambien, I decided to stay in my room and finish up a few emails before I hit the hay.

The next morning my boss looked at me funny and said, “Um, so that was a really nice email you sent, thanks.”

I ran to my sent folder and found this:

Hey you! Whassup! I just want you to know that I am really proud of you. You are doing a good job. You don’t ever complain. You really set a great example. I like you. Keep spreadin all your sunshine around! Love, Karyn


The third time I took Ambien, apparently because idiots do things in threes, I was flying in a private plane to Europe. Sometimes I roll fancy like that.

There was a lot of work to be done when I landed, so I wanted to get a solid ten hours of sleep on the flight. I thought that’s what I did. Then I downloaded my travel pictures, and found thirty shots of myself from very odd angles in the plane’s bathroom that I have absolutely no memory of taking.

Note the sleep mask resting on the top of my head that failed to keep me blacked out. And while my eyes are vacant and trance-like, my odd open-mouthed Β expression of surprise freaks me out the most. Guess I was super excited that Ambien just can’t keep me down. TC mark


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  • Asdfjk


  • HipsterFriend

    I thought you were gonna be recounting actual memories, and my first thought was, “if you remember taking Ambien, you didn’t take it.”

  • brenna

    That second photo. I just can’t. Stop laughing.

  • Michael Koh


  • Marlene Cantu


  • irreverent puddles

    ambien is FUN! i was 11 the first time i took it on a flight to italy (the dosage was for my 50-something uncle, who weighed thrice times my wee, pre-pubescent self). still couldn’t sleep since airplanes suck, but DID hallucinate a circus on the plane… poor little 11 yr old, didn’t even know what tripping was

  • Guest

    funniest ever. this totally made my day, thanks!

  • Amy

    I want to try this.

  • Rachel Butters Scotch

    Hilarious. Keep doing things that can be recorded for future hilarity.

  • rofl

    please take more ambien and document this!Β 

  • gusjc

    Awesome article, but I do find that Ambien does work diff for people. You get this issues, a friend just get’s sleepy, and I get all happy and like everything is perfect. I don’t even like to go to sleep since the feeling is amazing. Watching TV is fun, reading, anything. It’s so funny to see the diff reactions in types of people.

  • Matthew

    You look like Tay Zonday

  • Kat

    This is hilarious and hits home for me. The one time I took ambien, I took too much and still felt the effects in the morning. My sister woke me up and told me that I was blocking her in the drive way and needed to move my car. I proceeded to back out of the driveway and run into the mail box. I think I told her I wasn’t feeling well and proceeded to stumble in the house. When she reminded me of what happened the next day, I had no idea what she was talking about, but then I saw the damaged mailbox.Β 

  • douchegirl

    I’ve always wanted to try Ambien for my insomnia, but this just put the fear of God back in me.Β 

    DO. NOT. WANT.Β 

  • Stephanie

    I want some ambien. This should be a weekly post!

  • Anonymous

    Keep spreading all your sunshine around!

  • M90909

    Makes me want to try it. #dark?

  • NoSexCity

    I’ve thought about how much fun it would be to play Ambien-roulette with my social/work life once or twice, but fact is I’m too scared. Kudos for being potentially the friendliest zombie ever. I mean that email? Hilarious, but NOT BAD!

  • Guest

    I’ve tried ambien three, four times now–regular dosage the first time, significantly higher the next however-many. I have yet to even get sleepy, much less to get fucked up or have fun or go crazy or anything.

    Same way with benadryl, tylenol PM, acid, etc. It’s a bland lyfe.

  • lolastrawbunny

    i love this article.Β  ambein can be fun

  • lolastrawbunny

    i love this article.Β  ambein can be fun

  • lolastrawbunny

    i love this article.Β  ambein can be fun

  • munchimaid

    Ambien is fun. Once I took some in college and woke up with closeup pictures of a skunk I was apparently chasing all around campus. Β  In one picture the skunk was cornered and it looked so horrified like the ones paparazzi take of celebs trying to leave in their cars. Β 

  • Meghan

    this made me LOL. good job!

  • Jon Kristinarson

    I literally cried, I laughed so hard

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