My Dating Hall of Shame

I’ve been single for a year now, dating one to three times a week. I’m pretty tired. Here are my top ten worst, ranked, in my opinion, from least tragic to most.
  1. I have a non-negotiable height requirement of 6′ for all of my dates, because I am 6’2″ in heels. This is a controversial request that fills my OkCupid inbox with insults from short guys. What I haven’t ever specified is a weight requirement. I should have, because last week, my date weighed 29 pounds. It’s a hard thing to spot in solo pictures. There was nothing to compare him to. If he had posted a pic holding something like, a Snickers bar, I would have realized that he needed both hands to support it, and that date would never have happened. But really, what would that guy be doing with a Snickers bar? My thigh was bigger than his torso. Also, he asked me come to Brooklyn on a weeknight rather than meeting me in Manhattan. I forgave him once I met him, because I realized that his body didn’t have the caloric strength to make it across the East River.
  2. Bald in the back. Long hair in the front. It was a seriously unique mullet. He was also sweaty and spit on me every time he spoke. I had my friend text me with a fake apartment flood and bolted.
  3. Most definitely gay. So gay that we should have switched outfits. He talked a lot about how women were only interested in him for his money. In my imaginary world, I gave him a big, gay, friendly hug, and sprinkled magical come-out-of-the-closet strength on his head. In the real world, I let him buy me three $18 cocktails at Hotel Griffou and then wished him all the best.
  4. An Asian dermatologist with a very thick accent that I was unprepared for. I briefly considered changing my no-phone-calls-before-a-first-date rule, but my hatred for the telephone ultimately won out over my awkwardness around accents that prevent me from deciphering what’s being said. I was able to understand him when he said with a creepy smirk that he needed to perform a full body skin check on me. And I’m sure that wasn’t the first time he’d seen a woman head for the door.
  5. I walked into Max Fish and scanned the crowd for someone matching the pictures I had seen online. I didn’t see him, and I was five minutes late, because I like to arrive second; I hate waiting for people. I texted him “I’m here.” He texted back, “I am too, right behind you in the blue shirt.” Interesting. The guy in the pictures had brown hair and the guy behind me had gray hair. I’m not positive it was even the same person, and if it was, those pictures were fifteen years old. This was my first bait and switch. I was intrigued and amused. Would he acknowledge the discrepancy? No. Instead, he told me that he caught a mouse in a sticky trap that day and had beaten it in the head with a baseball bat to kill it, because he thought that was “the humane way to go.” Then he launched into a story about bedbugs. I had, by chance, received four texts and two calls since I sat down, so I drained my drink and told him that I had to go deal with a work emergency.
  6. Super serious dude. When someone puts out the vibe that they are incapable of laughter, the comedienne in me gets very nervous and goes over the top with jokes and dramatic arm gestures to win them over. I pulled out my best material. I may as well have been performing at a funeral. I was a rubber chicken to his lump of coal. I got drunk and made out with him. He friended me on Facebook the next day which is, in my opinion, one of the worst parts of dating – all of those useless Facebook connections. I already have too many people to stalk who actually mean something to me. Now I’m obligated to check in on guys that are practically strangers? Of course, when I’m depressed, I look them all up and imagine that one of them could have been something special.
  7. A silver fox. He started crying at the table while telling me an incredibly sad story about the death of his child, and concluded by saying that he needs someone to love him because he doesn’t love himself. I told him that it didn’t work that way, that he had to flip his philosophy and love himself first. As we said goodnight outside of the restaurant, he asked me if I’d email him an “assessment of the evening and what I felt about him.” I agreed with all of the sincerity that I could muster while knowing I was lying.
  8. I asked a guy I’d been out with twice before to go to a concert at Prospect Park with a group of my friends. He accepted the invitation and asked me to have dinner at his place first in Crown Heights, which is a mighty rapey neighborhood for a girl from the West Village. I was proud of myself for trucking all the way out there alone, but I started to get angry during the walk from the train that he had no regard for my safety. As we entered our second hour of waiting for his friend to prepare dinner, I mentioned that we were late for the concert, and he said, “you should just go by yourself.” A trip to the ghetto left me hungry and dateless.
  9. Great body; good energy. We had a six hour date in which he said things like “when you see my house,” as in, you will be seeing me again. He asked me to go skiing with him the next day. With his kids. And as weird as that was, I took it as a compliment and politely declined. I admit that I’m not yet a pro at spotting red flags. I asked him if he had been to the tenement museum because it was on my list of things to do and he said, “no, let’s do that on our next date.” We made out a lot and he tried repeatedly to come home with me. Luckily, I had prepared for this by not shaving my legs, which is what I do to prevent myself from getting naked on a first date. He never called me again.
  10. Beyond cute. He looked like the kind of guy I had always hoped to date but I didn’t think I would qualify for. I enjoy a fashionable hipster ensemble, but he needs to be hygienic beneath the facade. Not only are these types hard to find, but they are almost never tall, and this one was. I was encouraged. We went from a bar to a restaurant to another bar to his apartment, which was the most perfect single boy pad I had ever seen. In my imaginary world, he became my boyfriend the moment I walked through his door. In the real world, he kissed me. I didn’t know that it was possible to kiss that badly. It became very clear to me why he was single when every cell in my body screamed “NOOO!” and I couldn’t even pretend that I wasn’t horrified. After the embarrassment of calling a car service at 4 a.m. from some random dude’s house, I added a rule to never go home with a date before kissing him. That night was a complete adventure in duh that I replay in my head, disbelieving what an idiot I am. I was all “Wow, I am the luckiest girl in the world, I found the only great guy left in NY!” and then life was like “Hi, hello, get a grip, you are still so friggin’ gullible, ha, this is just too easy!” TC mark
image – ©iStockphoto.com/Mao Design

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  • Katgeorge

    Number 10 happened to me last week. Are you me? Hello, me?

  • Anonymous

    “Luckily, I had prepared for this by not shaving my legs, which is what I do to prevent myself from getting naked on a first date. ” 

    This is the ultimate life saver, this is the ultimate life saver, this is the ultimate life saver.

    • http://somuchtocome.blogspot.com Aja

       I do this too.  Sometimes I also wear ugly undergarments to prevent this. 

    • mashka

      Yes I do this a lot! And on the flip side whenever I think/want to go home with someone and prepare for it ahead of time, it never happens

    • SisterRay73

      I remember this is a thing from when I lived in a city, but now that I live in a hippie town I forget that people have all their shaving quirks. Although a recent one-night stand did ask me why I wasn’t “shaved down there” and it was like fuck you, bro.

    • heehee

      this method doesn’t always work. If the guy is hot enough, he’ll get to see my hairy legs.  and trust me, at that point, they don’t even CARE (in my experience, anyway)

  • Sonicgirl4ever

    This blog is my new love affair.

  • mashka

    nearly all of these have happened to me at one point or another unfortunately.

    1) I’ve had a few small man situations – to the point where my best friend now thinks that it’s actually my type so if we see any guy she’ll be like “oh he’s tiny you’ll probably like him”. Two most memorable are a guy I dated briefly when I studied abroad in London- very tall but very thin- it was awkward for me I felt like I was crushing him everytime we hugged- and I’m pretty small myself.

    Second one was this guy that I dated for a couple months, very cute- looked kinda like James Franco but like, a mini version of James Franco. I didn’t quite realize how small he in fact was until we went our separate ways and then had one random booty call months later- the next morning I woke up and looked at him and thought “holy shit did I go home with Justin Bieber?”

  • Anonymous

    IS THERE ROOM FOR ONE MORE, HEH, HEH HEH

  • mashka

    also being a bad kisser is the WORST ever. It ruins EVERYTHING. I mean it’s right up there with teeny tiny penises. But kissing is what happens first (I would assume) so it is truly the worst. I’ve luckily only had a few bad experiences with kissing but man were they bad.

    One guy was literally licking my f ace. Hello my head is not a cheeseburger. It was horrendous.

    Another guy was a friend of a roommate of mine from a few years ago and I always found him cute. One night he was over, and we ended up kissing but he was SO bad at it. Like his little lizard tongue kept darting in my mouth and I was like ahhhhhhhhhhhh get me away

    • Ryan

      Who licks a cheeseburger?!

      • mashka

        I was more referring to the fact that he was eating my face

    • Fernacular

       this is why you start slow and see what the other person likes for a few moments before trying to mold into it a bit, bit by bit. as long as this is a mutual process, you will end up with an enjoyable personalized kissing style soon enough

      of course, this kinda requires you be kind of an adroit kisser already, so bumbleheads will remain (not) screwed

      • Alex

        Uh, and requires the man to be capable of change, observant, willing to please, willing to adjust his “technique”, take constructive criticism (indirect, of course) and follow someone else’s lead. I’ve tried that route, and it either went over his head or his awful methods were just too ingrained to be altered. And mind, in the interim, I’m on the border of losing my stomach. I guess some girls are just willing to lower that bar, and others aren’t.

    • guest

      ugh, ok your comment right there was what just totally discouraged me from going back into the dating world (just got out of a 3 year relationship)! Memories of face lickings and lizard tongues are flooding back. I dont even want to imagine how discovering a teeny tiny penis for the first time might be like…. is there a place to specify a girth requirement on okcupid?

      • douchegirl

        DUDE. I was kinda dating the perfect guy. Everything was beautiful, nothing hurt. AND THEN. We got down to business. He had a 4 inch penis that couldn’t get hard. I literally almost cried. I had never been so unpleasantly surprised.

      • mashka

        yeah, I dated the most handsome guy, best kisser etc etc and then we got down to it and I was like UM WHAT this was NOT on the menu. I wish someone could’ve captured the look of utter disappointment on my face

  • http://twitter.com/layzrr Matthew

    I wish I had the stones to invite a girl skiing on the second date. Either that, or ask a girl on a date at all.

    I snowboard anyway, so what the hell.

  • Amy

    Thank you!!!

  • David Moon

    Girls with little “dating rule books” make me want to projectile vomit. I can appreciate someone who is selective about dating, but let’s get real here. You’re going on OkCupid. Some of these do qualify as awful dates. But you’re really going to get mad at a guy for inviting you to his home— which happens to not be in the West Village (gasp)— because it’s not safe enough for you? Take a cab. Or tell him you have to stay in because of the scary monsters. But don’t blame him. It sounds like that was one of his worst dates, and he was trying to get rid of you. “You should just go by yourself.” Haha. And if a guy has everything going for him, but he can’t kiss maybe it means he isn’t a super slut— and he just needs more practice. Of course men who casually talk about murdering mice can ruin the night. So there are a few nuggets of awful in there.

    • http://karyninny.com/ karyn

      i think you might be my soulmate. promise to projectile vomit on me on our first date? 

      • David Moon

        I would totally go on a date with you. Unfortunately, this would fall under the #3 category. And probably also the bad kissing. But we won’t get that far, so it’s okay. Could we still make arrangements for the projectile vomiting? *wink wink*

    • CarmenOhio

      Searching for perfection will leave you nowhere but alone.  Loosen up the book a bit and enjoy yourself.  Also, internet dating doesn’t have anything that could be construed as a spotless record, so you’ve sort of put yourself in these situations.  

    • meg

      I’m pretty sure the deal breaker was when he told her to go to a concert they were going to together ALONE, not that she had to trek it to Brooklyn. I think that qualifies as a deal breaker! What an asshole.

  • http://sparkplugminuet.tumblr.com Anna Gustafson

    solidarity on the height requirement! I am also 6ft+ in heels. and I find myself slouching and never wearing heels (which I actually enjoy wearing) if I date men shorter than me.  I don’t wanna do that.

  • http://www.facebook.com/damog David Moreno

    I wonder what those losers would write back about you and your dates as well.

  • Laura Maggied

    I lol’ed at #1, and #10

  • Jarrett fontaine

    this is stupid. i’m tall, so should i reject all short women in my life?

    • xra

       nah, in your case, the height of the girl could be a… logistical dealbreaker at worst, whereas the height (read: size) of the male mate is a deeply embedded dominance cue. shorter guys generally have to compensate with more behavioral dominance, whereas huge buff dudes might have to make being nicer to new girls part of their game

    • Leah

      Most short guys can’t handle a woman who is even slightly taller than them, let alone a 5’7″ or 5’8″ to her 6’2″ in heels. Guys don’t seem concerned about a woman being smaller than them, to any degree. Plus, it’s awkward being taller than your boyfriend and always playing big spoon to his little spoon, or feeling him attempt a big spoon, and having his head only reach up to between your shoulder blades. It’s different for a girl to be eye level with a man’s chest, but when your boyfriend tops out at your bra line… not hot. Not masculine.

  • Angry Guest

    “which is a mighty rapey neighborhood for a girl from the West Village. ” Yes but not for regular old POOR women, only West Village women get raped there!

    • http://www.facebook.com/wingedthing Leigh Alexander

      i dunno, i saw it as her admitting that she was wealthy and sheltered and had silly prejudices about less gentrified neighborhoods

      • http://www.facebook.com/alexengel Alex Engel

        I’d believe that if she didn’t later “get angry during the walk from the train that he had no regard for my safety”

      • http://www.facebook.com/alexengel Alex Engel

        I’d believe that if she didn’t later “get angry during the walk from the train that he had no regard for my safety”

      • http://www.facebook.com/alexengel Alex Engel

        I’d believe that if she didn’t later “get angry during the walk from the train that he had no regard for my safety”

      • http://www.facebook.com/alexengel Alex Engel

        I’d believe that if she didn’t later “get angry during the walk from the train that he had no regard for my safety”

      • http://www.facebook.com/alexengel Alex Engel

        I’d believe that if she didn’t later “get angry during the walk from the train that he had no regard for my safety”

      • http://www.facebook.com/alexengel Alex Engel

        I’d believe that if she didn’t later “get angry during the walk from the train that he had no regard for my safety”

      • http://www.facebook.com/alexengel Alex Engel

        I’d believe that if she didn’t later “get angry during the walk from the train that he had no regard for my safety”

  • Anonymous

    re: Crown Heights – just because a neighborhood is predominately black/brown doesn’t mean it’s rapey. 

    • http://karyninny.com/ karyn

      i actually didn’t give a reason for it being rapey, that was you…also, i was making fun of myself there, for being one of those ridic girls from the west village who doesn’t like to commute to rapey brooklyn neighborhoods with her balenciaga bag, but you didn’t get it, so i’ll keep trying! comedy…subjective…and whatnot. 

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    All funny, but #10 was the most painful. I hate it when that happens.

  • sad at your vocabulary

    you used the term “ghetto” completely insultingly.  grow up and go to a real ghetto. a ghetto is a slum, it doesnt have proper buildings, or paved streets, it has no electricity, it is extremely impoverished.  see if you’d call crown heights a rapey ghetto once you go to a real one. 

    • Lo

      Oh good god. Why are you even attempting to read TC?

    • LizA

      I’m sorry not all of us are 100% politically correct all of the time. And if that is your only accepted definition of the term “ghetto” than I don’t think I’ve ever, ever heard the term used correctly, by anyone. Also why don’t you pick up a dictionary and look up the word “ghetto” — it actually doesn’t say anything about not having proper buildings or paved streets or electricity.

      Anyway… lighten up. I’m pretty sure everyone criticizing the use of the term “ghetto” is just reading way too far into that small fragment of the article.

      • Hey

          ghettos are technically occupied by oppressed minorities.  i don’t think everyone living in crown heights is an oppressed minority. 

  • Catt

    Bad kissing is a deal breaker? Jesus Christ, you’re one of the least rational people I’ve ever heard of.

    • a.

      Completely disagree. Bad kissing is just a sign of things to come, and frankly, I don’t want to waste my time with that.

      • Catt

        “waste my time”
        So deciding to like someone despite their lack of sexual prowess, and then taking the time to explain what you like and don’t like in bed, and allowing them to make mistakes because you realize that kissing isn’t the most important part of your relationship, it’s all a waste of time?

        Shoot, and here I was thinking the exact opposite.

      • Beebs

        Wow, chill. What are you? The patron saint of god-awful kissers? If someone can’t kiss, it’s not unreasonable that someone wouldn’t want to put up with that. Kissing isn’t the only thing you do in a relationship, obviously, but how would you feel if either every time your partner wanted to kiss you, you felt opposed to it, OR if you were the partner seeing your girl/boyfriend flinch when your face neared theirs? Not enjoyable for either party. Best solution: be friends, if possible.

    • Nic

      Bad kissing can’t be helped, and when someone has bad breath/swallows your face/too much drool/thrusting tongue… that does not change.. and “gently” trying to help them kiss better is still letting them know they’re awful, and if they are insecure or lack thick skin, it becomes an even bigger issue. If someone can’t kiss or is terrible in bed, it’s a major turn off. It kills a small part of your soul. I’ve tried to “stick it out” with inadequate partners or awful kissers, I think every girl believes, at least once, that a.) she’ll get used to it, or b.) he’ll get better. Neither ever happen. Why settle for that when you can be with someone who kisses well and is exceptional in bed? Then it is, indeed, a waste of time.

      • Geaven

        I have had boyfriends who were bad kissers before, and yes they can be taught so yes he will get better if girls have the patience. So I have to agree with Catt, bad kissing should not be a deal breaker if they have other redeeming qualities.

    • CausticWit

      I don’t find it unreasonable to consider good sexual chemistry important in an adult relationship.

  • Sophia

    Bad kissers are actually the worst. Your heart just kind of sinks.

  • Anon

    Crown Heights is not the ghetto……………

  • xra

    lady, listen please… if you’ve been going on dates 1-3 times a week _for a year_ and are still single, it’s not them, it’s you

    you should’ve written that guy an email. you could’ve subtly helped that dude with his kissing, etc

    also, this one may be controversial but very attractive guys are def used to getting some on the first date in this generation, and a guy who has girls lined up might be more inclined to just go “fuck it” if he’s not gonna fuck it. <- not so much a recommendation as an explanation

    • http://karyninny.com/ karyn

      thanks for not recommending, but explaining that i should sleep with guys on the first date! also, pretty sure you’re right, it’s not them, it’s me! not sleeping with them! xo

  • Kris

    As a guy who subscribes to a dating website, I hope we never end up on a date together.

    • MrsLeft

      very nice comment… ;-)

  • http://www.facebook.com/natehermes Nate Hermes

    Well done.  Definitely a breath of fresh air compared to the latest dating stories posted on TC.  

    “I realized that his body didn’t have the caloric strength to make it across the East River.” — just golden.

  • Anonymous

    Oh my God, I’m so glad I’m gay.

  • http://hopelesslysarcastic.blogspot.com illmami

    Oh Thought Catalog. There was a time when I defended your immature musings, thinking them to be irreverent chronicling of less experienced youths. Now I just know you all are assholes. And racist as fuck. Wow.

    • http://karyninny.com/ karyn

      1. i was making fun of myself. but also
      2. http://www.thelmagazine.com/TheMeasure/archives/2011/07/07/rapes-spike-in-crown-heights

      come on. 
      highest number of rapes in the city, so, actually, rapey. 

      • http://hopelesslysarcastic.blogspot.com illmami

        You want me to “come on.” The come with me…

        You reference Brooklyn Paper’s article on a spike in rape cases in Crown Heights which includes:

        “Two of the six cases were ‘stranger rapes,'” the Paper reports, “three occurred between family members or friends, and one relationship is unclear.”

        Any rape is certainly frightening. But one-third of six cases being certifiably committed between family members hardly qualifies as making Crown Heights “rapey.” While I’m certainly glad you remembered to include this link to attempt to prove your point, your “rapey” qualifier paid off in essentially being told to leave dude’s apartment on your own. So…….yeah.

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