Thought Catalog

10 Things I Have Noticed Since My Divorce

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1. I always order too much food for one person. I’ve invented a fun little game called “Pretend I’m Not Alone When The Delivery Guy Comes”. I open the door laughing, “Oh God, they did NOT, that is SO FUNNY, BABE” in the offstage direction of my imaginary boyfriend. Before I pay, I say “can you take this, honey?” to my imaginary boyfriend behind the door, then put the food on a shelf as if my honey took it from me. Pretty sure the food guys don’t buy my routine, but I tip them well for playing along.

2. My cat liked my ex-husband more than she likes me. She misses him and she blames me for our divorce. Blasting my kick ass music that my ex hated and never let me play does not sway her one bit. She communicated this by throwing up in my satin Badgley Mischka heels.

3. Taking the trash out sucks. Killing a bug sucks. Emptying the litter box sucks. Finding all the good TV shows and making sure that the evil, frequently wrong DVR records them sucks. It makes sense that my ex pouted when I made him do this stuff. This weekend I somehow recorded Curb Your Enthusiasm, NOT in high definition and oh, also, in Spanish. I am a failure with man chores.

4. Bad sex is better than no sex, but good sex is harder to find than I thought it would be.

5. I can’t say things like, “sometimes I want to end it all because Jared Leto has been such a disappointment since My So-Called Life and the Olsens own so many more Balenciaga bags than I do” on a blind date. New dudes don’t get that quirky shit right away. It scares them. I now reserve commentary on all Leto/ Olsen related suicides for my friends. Lucky them!

6. I used to be happy to share a bed half the time and wish I was alone the other half the time. Now it’s switched; I’m happy to be alone half the time and I wish I was sharing a bed half the time. But I’m glad not to be woken up by farts all of the time.

7. Food always stays right where I left it in the fridge. It doesn’t get consumed until I decide it’s time to consume it. No more what-the-hell-happened-to-my-dulce-de-leche-that-I-was-saving-for-this-very-moment?

8. A night of heavy drinking is a recipe for disaster in a marriage, but a recipe for success on a date.

9. My bathroom doesn’t smell like poop anymore. There is no ring of pee on the floor around the toilet. There are no boxers with questionable skid marks laying around. I don’t ever stumble into the bathroom still asleep in the middle of the night and land bare-assed in a bowl of cold water because someone left the seat up.

10. I don’t have to compromise with anyone. I can do whatever I want without discussion. Except, what I want is to be in love. TC mark

image – ©iStockphoto.com/Igor Prole

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    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      not all dudes leave the toilet seat up by accident… it’s on purpose

    • http://twitter.com/kaimcn Kai

      You can find good sex in your own bed with just you there! I promise.

    • Loljame

      this is like a montage of scenes played after breakups in bad rom coms

      but i disagree with #4 – bad sex is way worse than no sex

    • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

      Last line killed this for me. :/

    • douchegirl

      Being woken up by someone else’s fart would be HILARIOUS in my book, but I see how it could get old really fast. 

    • Nico Ortiz

      Thanks for linking Karyn, not familiar with thoughtcatalog but will add it to my reading repertoire.

      Love the post !

    • Veronica

      #5. Bring back Jordan Catalano! 

    • BMK

      I might need to try #1 even though I’m not single. It just sounds like fun.

    • Anonymous

      Great piece, although as the man in a living-together, I have to say I have no idea what you’re talking about ;)

    • Esther

      You totally had me with the Jordan Catalano comment… so much potential, yet blah. Ditto with Claire Danes. Sigh. 

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_6GYUFE2TSD45JRNPIFNEQRLUX4 colby

      one thing  i have noticed since my divorce: i can drink because i am happy.

    • Iris

      This made me actually laugh out loud – but only because it was really well worded:

      I don’t ever stumble into the bathroom still asleep in the middle of the
      night and land bare-assed in a bowl of cold water because someone left
      the seat up.

      Mr. Koh – a man who leaves the seat up on purpose, that’s just passive agressive man with a complete lack of balls

      I have to agree with nosexcity though – last line kinda killed the mood for me

    • http://twitter.com/catwalkqueen Catwalk Queen

      Who were you married to that actually left pee around the toilet and the seat up and smelled up the house and left underwear around!? That is the worst paragraph ever and makes me want to thank my husband for not being disgusting.

    • http://twitter.com/catwalkqueen Catwalk Queen

      Who were you married to that actually left pee around the toilet and the seat up and smelled up the house and left underwear around!? That is the worst paragraph ever and makes me want to thank my husband for not being disgusting.

    • Vicky

      Karyn is the person who suggested Thought Catalog for her Blog fans. I would read her blog first and then move to Thought Catalog. Now I will click on Thought Catalog looking for Karyn! The girl has skills!

    • Jenny Doudous

      I will follow you to the ends of the…Internet
      to make sure I get a daily dose of your writing.
      I would also like to have a few of your books living on my bookshelves by 2013.

    • http://www.junketjuice.com junket juice

      I’m not the only one who talks to imaginary people in the house when the delivery guy shows up? My day is made. 

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=599484915 Natasha Kal-Papangeli

        Oh you’re not alone dear, I do it all the time as well!

    • Fag-patrol

      apparently all women throw themselves blindly at the toilet. men on the other hand look at it to be sure it’s in the seat is in the place best suited to their needs. this i have learned from all women everywhere.

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