10 Things I Have Noticed Since My Divorce
1. I always order too much food for one person. I’ve invented a fun little game called “Pretend I’m Not Alone When The Delivery Guy Comes”. I open the door laughing, “Oh God, they did NOT, that is SO FUNNY, BABE” in the offstage direction of my imaginary boyfriend. Before I pay, I say “can you take this, honey?” to my imaginary boyfriend behind the door, then put the food on a shelf as if my honey took it from me. Pretty sure the food guys don’t buy my routine, but I tip them well for playing along.
2. My cat liked my ex-husband more than she likes me. She misses him and she blames me for our divorce. Blasting my kick ass music that my ex hated and never let me play does not sway her one bit. She communicated this by throwing up in my satin Badgley Mischka heels.
3. Taking the trash out sucks. Killing a bug sucks. Emptying the litter box sucks. Finding all the good TV shows and making sure that the evil, frequently wrong DVR records them sucks. It makes sense that my ex pouted when I made him do this stuff. This weekend I somehow recorded Curb Your Enthusiasm, NOT in high definition and oh, also, in Spanish. I am a failure with man chores.
4. Bad sex is better than no sex, but good sex is harder to find than I thought it would be.
5. I can’t say things like, “sometimes I want to end it all because Jared Leto has been such a disappointment since My So-Called Life and the Olsens own so many more Balenciaga bags than I do” on a blind date. New dudes don’t get that quirky shit right away. It scares them. I now reserve commentary on all Leto/ Olsen related suicides for my friends. Lucky them!
6. I used to be happy to share a bed half the time and wish I was alone the other half the time. Now it’s switched; I’m happy to be alone half the time and I wish I was sharing a bed half the time. But I’m glad not to be woken up by farts all of the time.
7. Food always stays right where I left it in the fridge. It doesn’t get consumed until I decide it’s time to consume it. No more what-the-hell-happened-to-my-dulce-de-leche-that-I-was-saving-for-this-very-moment?
8. A night of heavy drinking is a recipe for disaster in a marriage, but a recipe for success on a date.
9. My bathroom doesn’t smell like poop anymore. There is no ring of pee on the floor around the toilet. There are no boxers with questionable skid marks laying around. I don’t ever stumble into the bathroom still asleep in the middle of the night and land bare-assed in a bowl of cold water because someone left the seat up.
10. I don’t have to compromise with anyone. I can do whatever I want without discussion. Except, what I want is to be in love.