What do you call that feeling that isn’t heartbreak but is the anticipation that heartbreak is near? It is the missed phone calls. The “sorry I was busy.” The “I don’t know if this will work out”s . It’s like in those moments of doubt all of the memories flashback like a cinema reel. It is like the whole love that was felt and dispersed throughout the months and years is suddenly all compiled into this one moment…
A moment that isn’t even defined yet. We aren’t over yet, but we are so damn close.
I know I can live without you, but as I am saying that sentence the thought of “can I really?’ comes up. Our love wasn’t perfect. You weren’t even the guy that was supposed to break my heart. You were an accident. You looked like the boys in the magazines and I didn’t look for that. Our first date may have been perfect for the other girls, but for me it was oh so typical. But even then I wanted to give you a chance. I wanted to see who you were, because boys like you don’t open up. And maybe that’s my punishment; accidentally falling in love with someone you tried to figure out.
But there is nothing to figure out when it comes to love. You are going to fall in love with someone who listens to you, who you can cry to when the whole world seems against you, someone you can feel protected by the way the put their arm over you as you walk through a crowded street, someone who introduces you to his parents, someone who cries in an international airport as he sees the one he loves move across the world. You are going to fall in love someone like that because the love that was given to you was something completely unexpected and new.
And even though we aren’t over yet, my heart is breaking because I know that distance is too much. I know that we wanted it to work. But I think that our love can’t handle that much.