1. Weird: Women who read romance novels have a tendency to have twice as many lovers as those who don’t. Does this mean that the terrifying women who slept on the streets outside Barnes and Nobel stores the night before the recent 50 Shades book came out are having a lot of sex? Because I’m genuinely shocked by that.
2. Ugh: 73% of the times you have sex will be initiated by a man pushing his hard-on into your back while you try to sleep. (J/K that’s not real.) (But it’s basically real.)
3. Not chic: Womens Health mag and Planned Parenthood polled 3,385 women about their sex lives and found that the majority (58%) rarely or never use condoms. Guys! You’re going to die of chlamydia!
4. In that same survey, they found that 95% of the women surveyed rarely or never use protection during oral sex. Hmm… yeah, that makes sense to me. Giving head with a condom is social suicide.
5. No thanks: The world’s largest recorded penis belongs to 44-year-old New Yorker Jonah Falcon, whose dick is 9.5 inches flaccid and 13.5 inches erect. Having the biggest dick in the world sounds fun, but if you listen to Falcon in interviews it’s actually really sad, because basically when he takes off his pants women run screaming. Wait, did I tell you about the time I was fucking a guy whose huge dick literally knocked my IUD out of my uterus? Inconvenient.
6. Gross! – When two people kiss, they exchange between 10 million and 1 billion bacteria. Wait… is that gross? I don’t even know what that means really.
7. Lol: Hitler and Napoleon each had only one testicle.
8. Really? – After fingers and vibrators, candles are the phallic objects used most often by women to masturbate. What happened to the cucumbers/shampoo bottles of my youth?
9. Real talk: Sometimes, after a guy comes inside you, you’re just walking around the earth like normal and then suddenly you lay a semen egg that you didn’t realize was inside you. Smart sluts carry wet wipes.
10. Warning: Smoking can shrink a man’s penis by up to a centimeter. Don’t smoke! It makes you smell like shit and gives you wrinkles and kills you and makes your dick smaller
11. Ahh! – If you don’t take birth control at the same time every day, the effectiveness can be as low as 92%. Babies are disgusting! Get an IUD. (I suggest the Mirena, it’s amazing and changed my life. It makes your period super light—sometimes you don’t even get it at all—and after you get it implanted you don’t have to worry about getting pregnant for over 5 years, yay!)
12. Fetuses can have erections. No comment.
13. Men are clueless and women are masochists: A recent study conducted at Indiana University found that 64% of women reported having an orgasm during their last sexual encounter, while 85% of men believed their partner had an orgasm the last time they had sex. Lol or nolz?
14. People from the past were dumb: During the Middle Ages, a child with red hair was thought to be conceived in “unclean sex,” meaning during menstruation. lolol. Now we know that having red hair mean you’re a witch.