It’s funny how our lives are made up of a series of multiple choices. A series of infinite choices, of countless joys and a myriad of mistakes. Funny how even the smallest of choices can create so much change in one’s life. I never really took that into much thought, not until now.
Looking back, I realized that everything leading up to this moment was a result of an equation that is consisted of numerous choices.
One is how I chose to sit down next to you and talk to you during our first group dinner. I’m sure you remember that night, you were wearing a plain black shirt and were calling me crazy because of my useless jokes. Another is how I chose to hold your hand when you were in the middle of that silly fist fight. I’m sure you remember that particular instance, I mean who wouldn’t, right?
And how can I forget, how you chose to ask me, of all people, out to watch that movie you’ve been dying to see for quite a while now. Of course you wouldn’t forget that day, you couldn’t even stop talking about it.
But it’s not only about the things that we chose to do. It’s also about the things that we chose to ignore, the things that we chose not to do. How I chose to ignore all of their warnings even if they probably know you much better than I do. How I chose to still entertain you even if I knew that it would do me more harm than good.
Lastly, how you chose not to choose me.
And now here I am, choosing myself. I’m not letting you go, setting you free or allowing you to be with whoever you want to be with regardless of how I would feel. No, I am not doing this for you, not for another man, nor am I doing it for anyone else.
Keep in mind, that I’m doing this for myself. I am choosing to be selfish because I know that I deserve to be treated however I want to be treated, I deserve to feel that the person that I chose is not setting me aside.
I’m cutting you off because I don’t deserve mixed signals because I’ve come to terms with the fact that mixed signals should never be considered as signals at all.
Whoever wants you will pursue you without confusing you or without any sign of doubt with regards to how much they want you. They will just pursue you.
This is me choosing a path that no longer includes you, not because I don’t want you here, but because I’d rather be alone than wait for someone who can’t decide whether he wants to be with me or not. I don’t want to wait for someone who’s uncertain of what he wants. I can’t keep on chasing after you, it’ll just further inflate your bruised ego. I don’t want to play your stupid mind games anymore, I’m so sick and tired of them.
This is me, saving myself. This is me, trying to keep myself from more damage. This is me, choosing myself.