Today I’ve Decided To Give You Up

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Today I woke up with a quite different ambience, with a nostalgic scent wafting through the air in the room I used to breathe with you. It was just last month, I thought. It was just last month where we’re still having fun, cuddling, and making love like there’s no tomorrow.

I lifted my head that’s brimming with questions about you and me. About why all these things need to happen, and how we have come to the point where we no longer have a clear future together. I took a sip of my black coffee and its bitter sting woke up my mind to the truth I’d been denying myself of. The truth that I couldn’t take it anymore.

That truth that I had to let this go.

I realized that the struggles that are meant to make us stronger are actually making us weaker—gradually undermining the love and trust we’ve invested. The ups and downs our relationship went through didn’t build a teamwork in us but opposition in between.

There has been so much misunderstanding that we’ve started to think of each other as selfish and insensitive. Our hearts have gained painful stripes caused by the exchange of hurtful words and actions. The touching of our skin had been cold that we no longer sense comfort no matter how much we try to feel back the warmth. I miss those times. I miss us. Us, enjoying every scintilla of the moments we’re together. Us, being heroes to each other when life was throwing us lemons. Us, being enough so there’s no reason to find somebody else. But today I am convinced, there’s no more ‘us’.

Today I realized we are so much different from each other. And the length of years we’ve shared cannot blur out its effect. I was fighting against it. I was fighting for our relationship. But it was only I. And I don’t know why there was no you—ever since.

Maybe you just didn’t know we have to fight the odds against. Maybe you just couldn’t see we were actually struggling more than loving. Maybe you were so nonchalant and confident we’ll never split. Maybe you were fighting in a different way. Or maybe, you didn’t truly love me at all. And I cannot blame you that I was too gullible to believe all the promises, all the actions that were actually show-offs. I cannot blame you for having me fallen in love with mere affectations. I jumped headfirst, and now it’s time to heal.

I’m going to surrender my hope to fate. Because fate might have been telling me that it’s the one we need to really believe in. That it will give us the person we’re meant to be with. Even if it’s not the person we love. Now, even if it makes my heart writhe, I’m killing the expectations that one day you’d come back to me. That one day we’d exchange the sentence I’m sorry, and ask each other, can we start over? I’m killing it because I realized we’d been doing that and nothing really happened. We had reconciled myriad times but we ended up the same, and we didn’t seem to apply everything we learned.

I’ll just wallow in the pain of separation. I’ll let the haunting memories to swallow me up. I’ll submerge myself in sadness and longing. Because I believe this is part of healing. And the best healing always comes after a tormenting pain in climax.

Today I decide to finally release the thought of us. Perhaps it’s the best kind of giving up. Something that’s not done because of weakness, but because I know I’m going to be strong enough to face loneliness, to surpass it, and to stand strongly on my own.

Today I will open the door for better things to come. I will choose to love myself first, and most.

I will choose no other day, but today, to be the end of us. TC mark

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