When I thought the world had ended for me, when I lost all the hope and excitement in life, when everything just fell apart, you came in and turned the burgeoning gloom in my life into dancing pastel hues.
It’s not easy to believe again, to move on, and gain the same feelings and positive anticipations the first time I loved. After all the failed relationships, after all the struggles which I found merely recurring, I was already convinced that perhaps I am meant to live this life alone. Perhaps no one is really going to share the ideal love life with me, and that’s actually difficult to accept. For I believe it’s better to die soon than live long only by yourself. But I had to be strong. I had to just continue living and stop dreaming about a blissful love in infinity.
I hardened myself and became a cynic. I locked my heart and threw the key in the ocean. I need to learn to be happy all by myself, I thought. And I swore I’ll never be that stupid again. I needed to be fierce and firm. I needed to master the skill of saying no to love and the art of forbearing when I yearn to be loved. But one day you told me you were wondering why my life looked like it had been drained of all the joy it should’ve been containing, and I couldn’t deny it’s true. Yes, I was happy being independent.
But I wasn’t happy living in bitterness.
You told me I don’t deserve this kind of pain. You were convincing me to give love another chance. To let it in again once it knocks. To gain the fullness of healing by allowing myself to feel the magic of love anew. And to my surprise, my soul sensed a weakening comfort when you whispered the words, it’s okay to start again.
Perhaps those are the words I longed to hear. The words I thought no one would ever tell me because people no longer believe in my heart’s resiliency after it had been broken so hard. It was so hard it that it cultivated deep, permanent melancholy and bitterness in me. But then you changed everything. You believed in my ability to still hope for wonderful things to come and didn’t see me as someone whose worth has devalued despite the dents it gained from the past. You brought that elusive happiness back to my life which I am really grateful for.
Thank you for washing all the tormenting memories away. Thank you for removing my stubborn hand from something that needed to be freed. Thank you for diverting my thoughts from the person I couldn’t get over, to the things I need to consider most and to the people whom I can still share lifetime happiness with. Thank you for eradicating all my fears and clearing out my traumas. Thank you for reminding me it’s okay to start again.
It’s okay to start again because I deserve to enjoy true love which is found through serendipity. It’s okay to start again because every beginning bears a higher level of wisdom and strength, and because it’s a sign of forgiveness, of faith, of full recovery. It’s okay to start again and again until I get what I really want and deserve. And it’s okay to start again because life is about winning, losing, and then winning again.
So now, with no hesitations, I’m stepping forward and give love another chance.
Because with you, I’m finally sure that starting again doesn’t anymore lead to a painful end.