There’s No More ‘Coming Back’ For Me And You

Toa Heftiba

Myriad of damages has been done. You’ve hurt me. I’ve hurt you. We’ve forgiven each other but it seemed we couldn’t get over this chronic problem that debilitated the foundations of our relationship. And yes, my heart still bleeds for you. It still craves the intertwining of our arms around our bodies with the impassioned desire to keep long as though there were no tomorrow.

I still love you. So much.

But I couldn’t understand. Can love change? Is it still love when they change? I couldn’t understand why you hesitated to see my need as your significant other. I just wanted to feel that I’m not the least in your priorities. I just wanted to feel that you think of me as someone special like how it was before. I just wanted reassurance. But everything went awry.

The first day I started to ask what’s happening, that first day I tried to gently confront you of why you seemed too cold—you instantly went into conniptions instead of listening to me. Afraid that I might worsen it, I resisted myself from badgering you to give me answers. You just asked me to give you some time to think, to give you space. So I compromised. From that we had the halt of hearing from each other which I was not used to. That’s the night I couldn’t sleep because of tears gushing forcefully from my eyes. That’s the night I asked myself: does he really love me?

It didn’t take so long though, you told me you still loved me.

You said sorry and so I did, for being such a paranoid, for not trusting you, and for all the words I’ve uttered when in fact they were just coming from the damages you caused my heart; in fact I had the right to doubt because you gave me no reassurance. And you? You were just sorry with no explanations. But since my love for you didn’t wane even a speck, I didn’t mind.

What’s important for me was you. Always you.

My standards kept on stooping to lower levels as I tried to overlook how you’d been taking me for granted. When I asked you again to give me updates whenever you have time, or to just send me short nonsense messages during your breaks, you seemed to get irritated like it’s a big demand from me. (And to be honest, I also wanted you to ask updates from me, but I could sense it’s a bigger deal for you.) Is it too much to ask? Communication? The last time I check, it’s still a vital ingredient of love. Nonetheless, I did not attempt to dwell on this issue—because I wanted to keep you.

I always made sure that I see everything you do for me—big or small.

Please don’t think I have also overlooked your efforts for me. Those day-off’s you spent to travel great distance just to see me. Those nights you brought me home so you could protect me along the way. Those lunch dates, movie dates, every treat you have given me despite your insufficient finances, I can never forget them. Every single effort you made for me, every bit of it, I made sure they were always in my memory, so when something would go wrong, I would just remember the good in you. But the sad thing is, they have become only memories. I tried my best to be consistent in all my actions since the day we fell in love with each other, but you did not.

I don’t want to worsen the damage, so there’s no more coming back.

I’ve persuaded myself many times to fight for what we have built, to keep on growing stout defense around it. But soon I became numb due to the exhaustion of putting efforts that should’ve been shared between us. Surprisingly, it dawned on me that I got tired not because I was alone in the battle where you should’ve accompanied me. I got tired because you were actually fighting… against me. Bull’s eye. You don’t want me anymore, I got it. You were not saying it, but I could feel it. I know I was just trying not to see it before, but I don’t want to multiply the wounds anymore.

This is the day I feel both happy and sad. Happy because finally I’ve come to the point of wanting to let you go, and sad because I did not expect I could arrive to this. I’m sorry for keeping up when you already wanted to give up. I’m sorry for strangling you when you wanted to be emancipated because you no longer see the future with me. This is not easy. It’s still you whom I want to be with until the end as my love for you hasn’t ceased. But the time has come for me to necessarily stop. It’s time for me to walk away. And this time, there’s no coming back. TC mark

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