I just wish that for once, I could put my gun down when it comes to relationships.
The first relationship I’ve had was full of nothing but pain, suffering, and rejection. Emphasis on REJECTION. I really have a sore spot for that since I sold my soul to the devil, and then some, just to keep someone who never wanted me. That pain has created its own unique dent in my psychology, which causes me to fall down that same dent over and over in my relationships. I say things I don’t mean. I do things I wish I hadn’t. All of this leads to the guy leaving, becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy of my own mistrust. These quick, impulsive responses I have towards men are all because of FEAR.
Fear that I am unlovable.
Fear that I’ll be abandoned.
Fear that I’ll get my heart broken all over again.
But what I didn’t see was that they were not the ones who broke my heart. I broke my own heart. Turns out that lately, I have been the one rejecting guys, just the way my first love rejected me. And I hadn’t even noticed. I’d think I was having a normal conversation with a guy, when all of a sudden he disappears, and I realize I have a smoking gun in my hand.
I guess I act that way because I’m just a little bit traumatized. I’m so used to getting hurt that the moment someone enters my personal space, my subconscious instinct is to attack them… before they attack me.
That’s why I can’t hold on to relationships. That’s why I’m miserable now. That’s why I currently wallow in pain…
So what now? Am I just going to let myself fall into this trap forever?
I may be traumatized, but that doesn’t mean I have to be insane. I can choose not to repeat the same mistakes. I can push myself to grow, to change. Here’s what I’m gonna do:
1. I’m gonna let go of the past. It’s been there for long enough. I don’t want it anymore.
2. I’m gonna watch my actions and make quick, direct changes to the actions that are not helping me.
3. I’m gonna allow myself to feel again. It’s scary to get hurt. but opening myself up again is the only way I’ll ever let love in. I’ll have to take that risk.
For the longest time, my pride has been the only thing I held onto. And now I have to let that go.
Wish me luck. I’m falling again.