How To Tell People You’ve Written A Book
By Karisa Tell
I recently published a book with Thought Catalog (you should buy it) (this is how I’m telling you). It’s pretty great, if I do say so myself, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t pretty pleased with myself for writing it. The only problem is that I’m kind of an awkward person—this comes in handy when you’re writing a book about being an awkward person, but it makes getting the word out a little uncomfortable. Here was my strategy.
Step one: Post a teaser on your blog about a big announcement you’ll be making in the near future. Realize that you look kind of pregnant in the outfit you wore that day, and hope no one jumps to that conclusion. Aggressively drink wine to excess whenever you’re around friends or family so no one will think you’re with child.
Step two: Finally announce that the big news was a book, not a baby. Several people will express disappointment and tell you that they were sure you were pregnant. Others will be relieved you aren’t giving fetal alcohol syndrome to an innocent child.
Step three: Explain to every person you’ve ever met, separately, how to download the Kindle app to their computer or phone. You’ll need to explain both how to download the app and how to purchase the book. You’ll also need to explain why it’s not a tangible print book, and that they’ll need to print it out if they want to read a physical copy or use it as toilet paper.
Step four: Drink too much at a work event and shout “Who ELSE do you know who’s written a BOOK?” to your co-workers. Many of them will slip away unnoticed, but the few who can’t get away will be forced to listen to you talk about the plot and the writing process and everything else regarding your book. One will even purchase the book just to get you to STFU.
Step five: When your book club finds out that you’ve written a book, they’ll suggest discussing it at the next meeting. You’ll explain that it’s not really the kind of book you’d analyze for literary themes and motifs before you realize they were joking.
Step six: Tweet about the book and how excited you are about it. One person (a fellow book club member) will retweet you. A spammy self-publishing site will also follow you because you used the #book hashtag.
Step seven: People you barely know will hear through the grapevine that you’re a “published author” and have way more respect for you than they should. Practice saying thank you without sounding like you’re in love with yourself. This step has one of two possible outcomes: you’ll either end up looking like a complete douche or you’ll talk your book down so much that the person will not only not buy it, but they’ll also feel compelled to stop other people from buying it.
Step eight: Post on Thought Catalog imploring everyone to buy it. Tell them they won’t regret it. You won’t regret it.