Suddenly, the smile that used to light the fire caged in your chest, warm and home, is now all burning and extinguishing. And turning all your soft parts into concrete.
Try to name the feeling eating up all the good in your memory of that person. When did it begin? Wonder why. Is it just you?
Fight back the festering and suppress the symptoms. Some days, everything is back to normal and you actually forget it’s there. They’re making you laugh, and it seems like the world is back on turning. Savour those moments. They won’t last.
Blame yourself on the days it gets the best of you. Maybe you’re being oversensitive, or maybe you just can’t let go. It wasn’t always like this. It shouldn’t be like this. Or should it?
Be haunted of his lips on hers, their regretful hands and your mouthful of tears, then their apologies that could not sow back your ripped trust. Remember the times they left you behind, and you, always the one waiting. Have all of it replay in your head like a broken record.
Take note of the day you begin to slowly pull away. When you realise you would rather be alone than be in their company and the cacophony of alarming emotions. A part of you knew this was coming but you ignored it until the decision tattooed itself right in your chest, right through your bones – you want to start over without them.
Spend days under blanket forts and getting drunk on guilt. Think of how unfair your sudden silence is, walk away farther to escape the sinking, run until the distance between the two of you could no longer be crossed.
Call a friend when the weight is drowning you. No, not someone you both know. Someone that isn’t part of the mess. Let go of the ocean of emotions you’ve been bottling up, cry if you have to. Have your friend try to talk you out of breaking up with them, despite knowing nothing could change your mind now. Wonder if it was also as difficult as this is for them when they were choosing between your fragile faith and the hammer in their hands.
Be selfish and choose yourself first this time. Decide to break the silence. Build up the courage to conjure the words you’ve been meaning to say. You and your shaky hands, dig deeper. Write it on paper so you don’t forget, don’t waver. Set the date.
“I’ll wait, for as along as it takes for you to be okay,” they’ll say. Try to believe them. Even when you don’t know if you’ll ever be okay again, if there even is peace after this. Cry on your way home, mourn for the person you have just lost along with your burning memories.
Travel back to when looking at them wasn’t painful. To life’s important events spent together, to meeting and becoming each other’s families. Think back to the sober nights lived spilling secrets and celebrating the little moments you thought would last forever. Then wonder how a hurricane of wrong decisions could easily rip apart the two of you, as if the foundation you shared wasn’t rooted deep enough. Silly girl, some things aren’t meant to last no matter how real and beautiful they were. And this is one of them.
Exhale. The first step after this is accepting that you can’t go back to a closed chapter, you can only move forward. So go on, take that step, pick your favourite pen and start writing a new one.