The college experience isn’t complete without the ratchet bacchanalia of frat parties. As you foray into the dark and treacherous terrain of college frat parties, whether down the memory lane or as a first-time explorer, here are some particularly dangerous beasts to look out for:
1. The Hyper Grinder
This might sound like the name of a coffee machine from a 2 AM infomercial, but it’s actually the guy who’s just very happy to see you…and you…and you…and you. Other names for the hyper grinder include “guy who is sick of the long-term relationship he has with his right hand” and “surprise.” This is the guy who sees a party as a very large Pokémon arena – you know the phrase: Gotta catch ‘em all. Typically, he’ll leap out of the shadows and grind every friend in your dance circle, because he’s nondiscriminatory. As an eye-opener to the fathomless depths of college social interaction, I present to you two (undoubtedly surprising) rules that the success of the hyper grinder depends upon:
Don’t be unattractive.
2. The Couple Having Vertical Sex
Okay, so sex is an exaggeration. But here’s what the ultimate party animal Robert Frost once said: “Dancing is the vertical expression of a horizontal desire.” This is one of those very poetic phrases that become bastardized by teenage Tumblr girls who set it in Helvetica against a slightly blurry and poignant picture of an empty mug, but it nonetheless stays true. The Couple is a prime example of it.
I know that they’re technically two people and not one person to avoid, but they could count as one anyway with how tangled their limbs are. Parties are, after all, the perfect excuse to PDA the hell out.
3. The Guy Who Dances Badly On Purpose
A lot of people use this trick. They don’t know how to dance, so in order to mask that, they dance comically badly on purpose. They’ll back up with “The Lawnmower” or do the monkey arm-swing, and the thing is that the routine garners legitimate laughs for the first minute, but then it becomes a joke that’s dragged on too long. Bystanders can see right through this sad ploy. Eventually, all that the kitschy dance moves garner are awkward chuckles and averted eyes, the same reaction an autistic kitten’s tone-deaf yowl would achieve.
(Of course, it’s likely that the final joke is on those bystanders. When you realize that the only people around to pass judgment are drunk college kids, the quality of your dancing becomes less significant.)
4. The Red Cupper
These kids, who hover around holding a red cup and never actually dance, are split into two subsets:
- Those who hover around with a red cup and take pictures for social networking, making sure to hold the red cup in obvious view
- Those who hover around with a red cup and slowly clear the entire area of any food available
5. The Sweat Mountain/Range
The number one person you want to avoid at a college party is the sweat mountain. This guy personifies sweat. Olympic swimmers could train in the sweat pools under his armpits and on his back and chest. When he brushes against you, the sight of slick and shiny residue on your arm is enough to destroy your soul. The fumes hit you like a freight train does, because both kill you*.
Multiple sweat mountains create a sweat range, usually located in the center of the dance floor. Only the bravest venture here, and always with a partner. Here, you don’t even know who you’re rubbing against or what body parts. It’s not really a mosh pit, because at least in a mosh pit you can kind of wiggle around and jump a bit. In the sweat forest, the individual is lost. It simply becomes one with the writhing smell of teen spirit**.
*Those fumes will kill you on the inside.
**Also known as sweat.