Lately, I’ve been held in a ceasefire; the notion of remembering and forgetting has been plaguing my mind. Stuck in a waiting game, I’m starting to think it’s time to put a part of myself to rest, to surrender from things I have been holding onto for too long, things that are becoming too heavy. I would be lying if I told you I wasn’t afraid; it’s been a long time coming, but what if things only get colder from here. I can’t hold on for any longer.
The pain has consumed every inch of my vessel and I no longer know who I am or if I’ll be able to survive without it. Maybe what I’m missing isn’t a body beside me but a closer link to myself, yet every time I close my eyes, memories of us flood my head like the crashing waves of the ocean. A beautiful masterpiece that I can’t draw my eyes away from. A monumental moment of time, pure bliss and paradise. But, when the clock strikes midnight, the colors blur into one and sadness slowly creeps over me. It is then when I long for you, the warmth of your flesh consuming mine. Time seizes, a fatal blow to the gut knowing the remains of us will only live-in memories, that all beautiful things must die in the end.
Some days are worse than others. Sometimes grief buries itself between the crevices of my ribs and every exhale feels like a death in itself. Days when the weight of your absence cuts me too close to the bone for me to withstand. I have learned that pain has a way of building up inside of you whether you like it not, that you must feel it through to heal, yet I’m stuck wondering when this torment will be over. I know love is never easy, but they never warned you about the way it devours you whole when they leave and the pain that follows.