Remember when in 10 Things I Hate About You, Larisa Oleynik sees her sister’s black underwear and tells Joseph Gordon-Levitt it means she wants to have sex someday, or is sexually active? Because that’s the only reason someone would have black underwear. Underwear means things!
So ladies and gents, when you take off a girl’s pants, know that the underwear she’s wearing indicates what she thought this night would lead to, and what kind of girl she really is.
A nice, lacy thong
Girl knew she was getting laid. She pretty much thought you were a sure thing. She probably shaved her legs too. Whatever your plan was for the evening, she knew it was gonna end in sex. But she still wants to impress you.
She’s trying to look like she just wears this kind of underwear all the time, and if you say, “But my girlfriend does just always wear lacy thongs,” you are wrong. She just hasn’t opened herself up to you completely yet. The lacy thong means she still wants you to have some mystery, to think of her as a sexy ethereal being. Enjoy it while it lasts. (And for god’s sake, compliment them! She’s wearing them for you!)
She’s a cool, chill girl. She probably wants to hang out, smoke weed, and watch a “Batman” movie. If your girl’s wearing boy shorts it means she’s still trying to look cute for you but she’s not into all that frilly mess. She probably doesn’t wear much make up and she probably won last year’s March Madness bracket while telling you and your friends to “suck it.”
She likes your friends. She likes low-key nights. She likes beer. She wears what she finds comfortable and she doesn’t like stress or drama. Keep this girl.
Underwear with words on the butt
Questionable. Her taste has to be somewhat not that great if she thinks splashing, “Up All Night!” across her butthole is attractive or funny. It’s not funny. It’s weird to think of someone reading your butt. Why is that a thing?
This is probably the same girl who carries around a tiny dog and always gets the pink version of every new electronic. That girl can be fun and great, but beware someone selfish and high maintenance. I mean, you’re just trying to make sex enjoyable for you both and now she wants you to read her ass? Too much work.
I know what you’re thinking but I wouldn’t immediately forget about this girl. The girl who wears granny panties either does not give a fuck, which I wholly respect, does not care what you think because there’s still a kick-ass vagina under there so, so what, which I also respect, or just doesn’t do laundry. (And come on, neither do you let’s be real.) I would say this is a case of peeling back the layers to find the treasure underneath. Don’t judge a book by it’s cover here.
That, or your girl is very innocent and did not expect this encounter to end with sexy times. Oh, so this hook up is a surprise, and maybe she’s embarrassed? Play it off without mentioning it or being rude, and you’re the king.
Might as well have been commando. What are you even covering? Are you a stripper? It’s more than cool if you are. I just don’t know why anyone else would bother unless you’re — oh! Is this a wedding? Are you hooking up at a wedding and didn’t want pantylines? Nice. I change my mind then. This girl is spontaneous and dirty in bed. You probably can’t satisfy her.
Something you have to unbuckle
She’s French. Or she’s about to rock your world. Or both.
Day of the week, cartoon characters
This girl has a real affinity for Zooey Deschanel and coloring books. She’s a manic pixie who never grew up and thinks cutesy will always be in style. If you sleep with this girl, she’s gonna cut out your heads and put them on a heart-shaped doily. You will probably have to marry her.
Unless they’re Spiderman underwear from the boy’s department, in which case, this girl also never grew up but like, in the cool way. Don’t have sex with her. She’d probably rather just trade comic books, go on Tumblr, and listen to Harry and The Potters. You’re actually interrupting her RPG session, so could you like…not.
Stained, ripped, etc. Girl really did not think today was going to end is sexual healing. Are you down with period sex? You should be. If you are, next time she’ll wanna make up for it with some lacy thong action for you. I guarantee it.
Bathing suit bottoms
She’s me on laundry day. Heeeey!