1. Get out of bed to go to the bathroom when you’re already swaddled in your comforter.
You finally get comfortable. You’re about to fall asleep and then, bam. You have to pee so badly. Do you risk moving? Do you get up, walk all the way to the bathroom, pee, and then get back into bed now fully awake again? Ugh. Maybe you should just pee the bed? Or get an adult diaper? That astronaut who drove across the country wearing one is starting to make some sense. This is basically worse than choosing between Elijah Wood and Macaulay Culkin at the end of “The Good Son.” Remember that movie? Ugh, you still really have to pee.
2. The dishes
They are piling up to an unacceptable mountain of filth and part of you is like, maybe I should just throw them all away and get new dishes? No. That’d be crazy, right? But they have grown mold colonies and you don’t want to even get close, let alone touch and scrub these things you once ate food off of. Better to just get this over with than to let it keep growing until it becomes sentient and starts mocking you from across the kitchen.
3. Go out with people when you really feel like staying home
You made plans you’re obligated to keep but man does it feel like a night where you put on PJs and pimple cream and crawl into bed forever. But no, you’re stuck out at some loud nightclub or bar where you hate everyone and you have to make nice and pretend to be a person who can socialize. You’re so unfocused on what’s happening that you actually find yourself in the middle of a conversation and you have no idea why you’re talking or what you were saying. You’re not only bored. You’re actively annoyed.
4. Repeating yourself
You just finish explaining a whole thing and then someone new who wasn’t paying attention is like, “Oh, wait what?” No, bish. You lost your chance to hear this story. I am not going to start at the beginning just so you don’t feel left out. Get it second-hand. Too bad.
Goddamnit. You said you weren’t going to cry. You don’t even care that much. You thought you’d come off strong and aloof but your stupid eyes didn’t get the memo and now you’re blubbering away. I hate crying. My eyes are puffy for hours and everyone is all, “Oh man, what’s wrong? You look awful.” Crying when you really don’t want to cry is the worst.
6. Sneeze as soon as you put food in your mouth
Anyone else do this all the time? It’s gross. Make it stop.
7. Go to school/your job
Jessa on “Girls” said it best, “It’s weird when you have a job and you have to go every day even if you don’t want to.” Sure, it’s spoiled but ugh, why do we spend so much of life at a place we hate so we can earn paper we’ve deemed important but really has no value otherwise? Is this just a stupid hippie thought I had while high? Probably. But having to go to school and work when you really don’t want to is so painful. A little piece of you dies inside every time you see your boss/your school.
8. Public speaking
I sweat through my clothes every single time. My hands shake. I feel like I’m going to vomit. It’s so terrible just looking out at the lights and the people staring back at you, judging. Public speaking is the worst. If I know I have to do it, I will have panic attacks every day until the event. I hate it so much.
9. Explain why something is messed up to people who don’t get why it’s messed up.
I am so tired of saying, “Hey that’s not cool,” when some idiot says something racist or sexist in my presence, because usually they’re immediately like, “Why? Don’t be so uptight.” Then, I have to explain to them why what they said or did was effed up. One out of a thousand times, they might get it and change their ways but generally, they just think I’m a buzzkill and continue being terrible. I understand why it’s important to do this, but it is so tiring and frustrating. How about just being nice to all people and shutting up so I don’t have to school you every single day?
10. Take off wet clothes
Have you ever tried to take off wet clothing? It is not as sexy as the movies make it seem. You have to peel it off and then you’re freezing and jumping around like a popcorn kernel, falling on the floor just to get your tight pants off. It’s not hot. It’s just annoying.