1. Open a Word document and type nonsense or song lyrics. Furrow your brow. Never stop typing.
2. Make Minesweeper super small in the corner and have your work email super big. Switch between them.
3. Roll your eyes and tsk your tongue in annoyance whenever someone comes to talk to you.
4. Eat lunch at your desk. People will assume you’re too busy to leave work and admire you.
5. Print out a bunch of important-looking papers and walk around holding them in a pile in your arms.
6. Have a billion windows open on Safari and Firefox.
7. Open Excel and start making a nonsensical spreadsheet or one of your favorite bars ranked by drink price and ambiance.
8. Walk to the vending machine. Walk back. Walk to the vending machine. Walk back.
9. Organize your desk. Line up your stapler and your tape dispenser and your paper clips. Put them in size or color order.
10. Test your improv skills by holding your work phone to your ear and talking to no one, loudly. Whenever someone comes over, hold one finger up.
11. Open some folders and put papers in them. Then take them out. Then put them back in.
12. Xerox some stuff.
13. Look up random fax numbers and fax them messages on blank paper like “Hey” and “What are you wearing?”
14. Take out a calculator and punch the numbers for a while.
15. Keep an email from your boss open (even an old one) to divert to whenever someone looks at your computer screen.
16. Roll your sleeves up and then back down over and over again.
17. Pass notes with your co-worker, if they’re cool. Write messages back and forth that you pretend are important but actually just say things like, “Can you believe we have another six hours?” and “What is with Meredith’s top today? Can you say circus tent?”
18. Pretend you saw a pigeon or a bat indoors and go on a mission to shoo it out. “Don’t worry guys. I’m working on getting the bat out. What bat? Oh my god, you didn’t see the bat? Don’t worry. I’m on it.”
19. Put things on shelves. Take things down off shelves. Put them up on other shelves. Repeat.
20. Send yourself emails from different addresses labeled “IMPORTANT.” That way when people glance at your inbox it’ll look like a lot of people need your attention.
21. Actually do your work and be glad you have a job.