It’s hard to love someone while also understanding that you are not good enough for them. If you love them, you care so wholly for their well-being and you have to insist that they not settle. And that would be you, together: settling.
You know this for sure: he deserves to love someone who deserves to be loved by someone like him. And that is not you. You with your flaws, you with that knot in your heart that beats unlovable, unlovable, unlovable.
You constantly think about the ways you can change, and how long that would take. Can you be worthy fast enough to not lose him?
These are the equations that are always running in your head. The gaps you need to fill and the amount of days or months or years it would take you to close them. You think about how much he cares and how much you think he deserves to cares and realistically if there will ever be a point where you feel like you’re on some kind of even footing.
If he told you he didn’t care, that he chose you over any of these numbers or arguments, you’re not sure you’d be able to believe him. You know this because it’s a scenario you play out in your head often. You’re still human, you still hope. In all the universes that could exist, there’s got to be at least one where you’re together and your brain is quiet. No one is running over this list of reasons you’re flawed, no one is keeping score. In that quietness, you nestle into him and are at peace.