People do some weird shit in the name of beauty. We stick all sorts of needles into our faces. We plunge our bare feet into a bucket full of fish and let them chomp off the dead skin. We willingly allow people to sand down our fingernails with a whirring tool and affix new plastic nails atop them. The beauty industry is crazy, and that’s why I love it.
As a beauty writer, I get to try all sorts of fun new treatments and products, but there are a few that even I am not so sure about.
1. Scalp Botox. More and more people are having Botox injected into their scalps to help prevent sweating. I get it! I had hyperhidrosis, which is a disorder that makes you sweat uncontrollably from some body part or another (mine was my hands/feet), and Botox was one of the suggested remedies. I also understand that you want to keep your blowout going as long as you can, but you also wanna go to the gym. It’s just the idea of sticking a needle into my scalp that skeeves me out.
2. Bubble nails. Thankfully the incessant coverage of “bubble nails” has ended. I was frightened by them each time they popped up on my Newsfeed. Bubble nails are a style of acrylic nails where thick, goopy layers of acrylic are applied over and over to create a bubble-style nail that reminds me of E.T.’s fingers. Ew. Think about putting a tampon in with those.
3. “Eye Contouring.” You know this just means applying different shades of eyeshadow, right? Like, when you blend a darker shade into the crease? That’s contouring. Don’t try to make it a whole new trend.
4. Urine facials. You name it, someone’s slathering it on their face to look younger. Even pee. I hope it’s the pee of a very well-hydrated person.
5. LED beds. LED lights are amazing. Dermatologists use them to help zap zits and wrinkles, and now they’re going to make actual beds full of LED lights solely to treat your entire body. It’s almost time for us to look as flawless as Stepford Wives!
6. Clown contour. Clown contour got some buzz during the summer, but I’m still not over how creepy it looks before you blend. You use a variety of colors of foundation, highlighter and concealer all over your face, clown-makeup style, and then blend the hell out of that shit until you look like an Instagram makeup artist. I would for sure freak out if I walked in on my friend in the bathroom with her face all done up like that.
7. Bird poop facial. OK, the official name for this is “Geisha facial,” but you know what it is? It’s bird shit. Gross! No thanks. I hate birds. I don’t want their shit all over my face. Although I guess if you were walking down the street and a pigeon shit on you, you could just rub it in and pretend it was for beauty purposes.
8. Snake massage. Just no. Please, no. I am Indiana Jones. Why does it have to be snakes?!?! Imagine having snakes slither all over your back. Does that relieve tension? How can it? I would be tense as fuck.
9. The Derma Roller. Dermarollers aren’t new, but I’m still afraid to try them. You roll the medieval torture-looking instrument over your skin and its tiny needles help open up your skin so products soak in better. I’m not afraid of needles, but I don’t exactly want them all up in my face three times a week, either.