Today in The Worst News Ever, country supercouple Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton released a statement announcing their divorce after four years of marriage. This comes as a serious blow to those of us who believed in true love, as Blake and Miranda were always counted as one of those couples we thought would make it, a Tim and Faith for the ages. But now they’re donezo and we need to let them go and be free … and wait with bated breath for the incredible breakup album that we’ll get from Miranda. After all, Blake sold out to pop-country and got a big Hollywood ego, and Miranda does her best work when she’s heartbroken and/or pissed off.
Are you as devastated as I am? Good. I made us a playlist of Miranda’s best heartbreak songs, from her quiet and sad moments where she really shines to those bad-bitch with a bone to pick riots that made her famous. No one masters the emotions of a country breakup quite like our girl.
“Same Old You”
You know when you realize that no matter what, this relationship ain’t gonna work? You love each other, but you’re tired of his shit and you’re out of there? This is the perfect song to articulate that feeling. Maybe it’s an ex you reconnected with on the off chance that he had changed, but whoops, he didn’t! Maybe your man just sucks. You’ve done some thinkin’, and you think you’re done with him. See ya later. You’re sad, but it’s the best for both of you.
“Love Letters” is a classic country weepie. “You’ve broken my heart for the last time,” she sings in her goodbye. Miranda knows that this breakup has to happen, but she’s allowing herself to be bummed out.
“Hard Staying Sober”
It’s totally true that when you’re completely devastated, a drink or five is a great way to divert your attention. “It’s hard staying sober when I’m getting over you,” says Miranda. The idea of coming home to an empty house is keeping her at the bar.
Mid-breakup, you have days where all you want to do is stay in bed hiding under the covers and feeling completely terrible. You want to text them, call them, beg for another chance, but you know that’s not gonna happen. You’re just going to feel desperate and dejected for awhile. Miranda understands.
“Better in the Long Run”
Awwww, this is a duet with Blake. We should’ve seen it coming, read between the lines. The two sing about loving each other but not being able to make it work, and that giving up will be better in the long run. Miranda released this in 2011. Why did we turn a blind eye to it? Hope and faith in love, I guess.
Miranda is the patron saint of crazy ex-girlfriends. This classic Miranda jam includes the stellar line, “When you are a hammer, everything looks like a nail.” It’s OK to be pissed off and jealous, honey.
“Mama’s Broken Heart”
During my own insanely painful breakup in 2011, I played the shit out of this one. No one knows how raw and awful you feel when love goes bust like Miranda.
However, that pain can’t last too long. Soon you’re seeing your ex for the shitty person they were, and remembering all their faults. You’re actually glad to be done with them and feel so much lighter now that you’re not carting around all their emotional baggage. Play this one with the windows down when you’re zooming down the highway and belt every word. Better yet – play it twice. They ain’t your problem now.
“I Can’t Be Bothered”
You’re finally done feeling sorry for yourself and shitty about your failed relationship. You’re ready to move on, shove the mementos under the bed and fall in love again. You can’t be bothered to miss that stupid ex. You’re moving on! You’re golden.
“Love Your Memory”
Except when you’re not. It’s OK to miss them sometimes, to save those memories for a rainy day and revisit them when you want to wallow. You don’t wanna see them in person, but you might want to dwell on the good times tonight. Let Miranda join you.