Joan Rivers died at the age of 81, and those of us who loved her trademark cutting, sometimes catty but always clever, humor are heartbroken. There will definitely never be another zinger like Joan. She’s got way too many classic jokes to list here – and some haven’t aged well – but I rounded up a handful of my favorite Joan quotes on life, love, sex and aging.
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
She’s so pure, Moses couldn’t even part her knees.
I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.
We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
My vagina is like Newark. Men know it’s there but they don’t want to visit.
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, “The man goes on top and the woman underneath.” For three years, my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
Wanna know why women don’t blink during foreplay? … Not enough time.
On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, “Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.
A man can sleep around, no questions asked. But if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes, she’s a tramp.
I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.
Everybody talks about multiple orgasm. Multiple orgasm — I’m lucky if both sides of my toaster pop.
I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware.
I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, “You are here.” I wore Angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum. “My God, the floor’s immaculate! Lie down, you hot bitch.
Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
I have a million dollar figure … but it’s all loose change.