10 Things I’d Blog About If I Had A Lifestyle Blog

I think lifestyle blogs, for the most part, are totally bogus. Like, sure, I occasionally expound some “wisdom” for you here and tell you how to decorate your house on the cheap or opine on the best beauty products for a twenty-something girl, but I would never want to funnel that into a blog. How insufferable! And they’re all so cliché at this point: the white backdrops, the succulents, the picture of the socks and coffee on a white bed … blah, blah, blah.

Wouldn’t you feel like such an asshole introducing yourself as a “lifestyle blogger?” I would. I’m sure these chicks who write the popular ones are very nice and smart beings, but to me their lives seem very contrived and whitewashed. I like my life to look Instagram-worthy, for sure, but it’s not where I live 24/7. I’ve got too much STUFF and too little interest in cooking to start a blog all about my damn life.

But if I WERE to launch one, I think the content might look something like this:

1. How to take a good butt selfie. This shit is hard, man! You have to get the perfect angle so your butt looks its highest and firmest. And you have to hold that position just so to snap the perfect picture. It’s an art.

2. Wearing the same shirt five days in a row is an art. I know you can do it! I’ve been wearing the same black Michael Lauren shirt for DAYS and it’s totally fine. Nobody notices. Whatever – it’s my comfort shirt right now, OK? The key is to find an item that is just boring enough where no one will catch on to your lazy repetition.

3. The best gluten-free pizza to buy, because you’re sure as hell not gonna make it yourself, dietary restrictions be damned.

4. No striped shirts. Ever. Self-explanatory. There would be no striped shirts on my lifestyle blog.

5. Barfing in a bar bathroom … discreetly. I am a pro at this. I barfed twice one night at a relatively upscale bar and nobody noticed. Puke. And. Rally. Bitches.

6. Hot mess American glamour tutorials and inspiration boards. No “French style” allowed. I only want to talk about Guess-era Anna Nicole Smith.

7. Throwing a dinner party where you don’t cook anything. I like to eat and I like the IDEA of cooking, but I’m honestly just not that interested in cooking anything beyond scrambled eggs and toast. I love dinner parties, though! And I’ve often gotten away with hosting one and not cooking a thing. (Hint: Supply the alcohol. Only invite foodie friends.)

8. Cussing out catcallers in a subtle, yet effective manner. I find that “GO FUCK YOURSELF” doesn’t get such a good response, but a strong middle finger does.

9. Boxed wine is delicious! Why waste time creating “craft cocktails” in your kitchen and spending a ton of money when you could just buy a $12 Bota Box and even get a “bonus” glass by cutting the edge of the bag off to drain it entirely? Maybe I’m a cheap date.

10. Extensive Kardashian coverage. Hate on them all you like. I don’t give a fuck. My blog would talk all about Kim’s outfits and Kardashian Beauty makeup and Kris Jenner’s excellent facelifts and how cute North West is. I mean, the Kardashian lifestyle seems pretty swank, and wouldn’t you like to emulate that? I think we all would.