What I Imagine ‘Mad Men’ Is Like Having Only Watched One Episode

Mad Men
Mad Men

The world is still obsessed with “Mad Men.” It blows up my Twitter every Sunday. I think this is the last season, but I’m not sure because to date, I’ve only made it through one full episode. I feel like I know the plot of the show because it is such a cultural force, but maybe you guys can fill me in. And so, without further ado, the plot of “Mad Men” as explained by someone who has only seen one full episode …

“Mad Men” is a show about a guy named Don Draper who once killed a guy in the war and then stole his identity. Don Draper used to be named a different name, but I don’t know what it is. People steal identities in soap operas all the time. Is “Mad Men” a soap opera? Don Draper was a soldier named Dick and then he killed a guy and emerged in a nicely-tailored brown suit and changed his name to Don Draper like the dead guy. The dead guy apparently has no family.

Don Draper has a mean blonde wife named Betty who shoots squirrels. She is from Norway. They have a son with a prosthetic leg. He also has a daughter named Sally Draper, who will later go on to star in the worst Lifetime movie ever, the adaptation of “Flowers in the Attic.” I think maybe Don and Betty have another baby later in the show and then they get divorced and she gains weight? But then she gets skinny again. Don cheats on her all the time. She is kind of mean, so that’s probably why. She is not very nice to her kids either. I think Betty is unsatisfied with her life. Maybe she starts smoking pot or reading feminist literature?

Don works in New York with the guy who wanted to pee on Carrie in season three of “Sex and the City.” They are in the advertising industry which means there are lots of secretaries to sleep with. The prettiest one is Joan, the redheaded one with the big boobs. She is married to the drugged-out guy in “Super Troopers” in real life. It is the ’60s so the men can make the women get their coffee and call them “honey” patronizingly and nobody is publicly offended. Everyone wears fedoras on the show; fedoras have not yet become the douchiest part of an OKCupid profile. Everyone also smokes. They smoke in the kitchen! They smoke in the church! They smoke everywhere.

Don is not very happy. I’m not sure why. He likes to help this one mousy girl named Peggy Olsen (is she from Minnesota?) climb the ladder and but he doesn’t like it when she does better work than he does! Eventually Peggy gets cool and gets a better job.

Other people in the office include the smarmy guy named Pete who has a baby face, the gay Italian guy who dies and a British guy who dies. Everyone dies on this show. The ad industry must be stressful. Maybe Don is unhappy because all his friends die.

Then Don gets married to Megan Draper, who has a lot of teeth when she smiles. All I know about her is that she wears very short skirts and once sang a song called “Zou Zou Bisou.” I do not know why that was Internet news, but it was. Everyone on the internet thinks Megan is going to get murdered. She lives in California and Don lives in New York.

This is the last season of “Mad Men,” so who knows what’s left to happen. Should I start watching season one now to catch up, or am I pretty close to the plot? Fill me in, guys. TC mark

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