Things To Avoid On A ‘Sex Jams’ Playlist

Pitch Perfect
Pitch Perfect

Do you ever fuck to music? I don’t do it that often, but when I do I’m kind of picky about it. One time a dude and I were about to do it and “99 Luftballoons” started playing on his iTunes shuffle. I burst out laughing and ruined the whole thing. Boner lost.

Other music you might not wanna bone to:

  • The “Titanic” soundtrack. Especially the Irish dancing part, though I think “Nearer my God to Thee” would be pretty disturbing too.
  • Gregorian chants. Or maybe that would help you focus?
  • Tori Amos.
  • Kids playing outside. Hey, it happens.
  • The “Pitch Perfect” soundtrack.
  • Bagpipes.
  • Any “soothing nature sounds” CD – you know, the ones with whale sounds and waterfalls?
  • “Blurred Lines.” I mean, really? I made out with a dude on the dancefloor to it once, but that was a lapse in judgement. A momentary madness, if you will.
  • Any ’80s compilation. “Take On Me” WILL sneak up on you.
  • Showtunes. Unless you’re into that. Oh yeah, baby, Bernadette Peters and Liza Minnelli really get me going. NOT.
  • Billy Ray Cyrus. Is he still making music?
  • And in relation, Shania Twain. Love her, but not sex music by any means. Can you imagine getting it on to “From this Moment,” THE most popular wedding jam of the ’90s? No. And “Any Man of Mine” is just inappropriate. So is “Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under,” for that matter. I’d be all like, bro, are you cheating on me? IS THIS HOW YOU’RE CONFESSING?
  • Primus. My high school boyfriend ALWAYS boned me to Primus. WHY.
  • While we’re on the topic of high school pickup-truck sexing, the other big one back in 2004 when I was getting it regular in the back of a Ford was the “American Idiot” album. LOL, no thanks.
  • Any playlist made by an ex. Maybe you guys liked to bone to ___ and it was all very sweet and romantic, but that will be RUINED for you for the rest of your life, at least for a good while. If the relationship ended badly, trust me – you will never want to hear “Exile on Main Street” again. Which sucks, because that’s a really good album. TC mark

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